An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
(I know my font is annoying plz get over it)
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I hate it when my washing gets Lindt all over it!!
My wife and I were drinking wine last night, and she looked over to me and said: “Wow... your cheeks get really red when you drink wine, it could be Rosacea.”
I looked back and her and naturally said: “...actually it’s Cab.”
My back gate was frozen shut today. Had to try to climb over it to get the garbage to the alley.
I somehow managed to get myself stuck up there. I’m still on the fence about it.
As a very fat man I took my kids horseback riding. I placed my youngest on a small horse and it huffed a bit. I put my oldest on a medium horse and it huffed a bit. I walked over to a rather large horse and tried to get up on it. His eyes got big...
And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"
What does a duck say when it gets run over by an avocado truck?
It is suggested that women over the age of 55 get a mammogram every 2 years.
Shouldn’t men be recommended to get sirograms?
What do you call it when you get a hard on from burning someone over the Internet?
WE GET IT! SEPTEMBER'S OVER! GREEN DAY! YADA YADA
Professor: Okay, Today we will be going over WW1, I'll try to get done with it as quickly as possible.
Me: I'm sure that's what the soldiers said too.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
How do you get over a fear of elevators?
Just take some steps to avoid them.
My wife caught me playing with my son's train set. I was so embarrassed, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
My wife threatened to leave me over my bad sense of direction... I beat her to it though.
I packed up my stuff and right!
Context for non-Indians - Her name is Shilpa. Get it?
Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?
After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.
It carried over into real life, too!
I saw a butterfly on the ground with no wings, so I poured Red Bull all over it.....And Bam !!!!
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
What’s it called when all the smart people get vaccinated?
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
When I get sad, I like to get on an elevator. I find it very uplifting.
If you get an email about spiced meat, don't open it.
I cannot afford the new PS5 and it's getting me down
No-one knows how to console me.
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Get it? Because it's in Erie, PA
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
I swear, I put it down right over there!
To get over my divorce, I keep telling myself 25 letters of the alphabet
Avoiding the X helps a lot
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.
This post might be a little ballsy. And if it gets a lot of attention, I might get cocky.
I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger when it gets closer
I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a rocky road.
So I peed on my college application and submitted it to get into my choice college. Guess what they told me?
There were two muffins in an oven, and one says to the other “is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” Then the second one says-
“AAAH! TALKING MUFFIN!!!”
This I getting better hahaha
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
What does a beam of light wear when it wants to get kinky?
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
If you get and email titled knock knock don’t open it
It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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