Funny Wow Puns

They were rowboats in disguise.

I said "I know. But where?"

She said perhaps we could put the heating on? I said I wasn’t thinking of spending that much

Too bad I’m an insomniac

He wet his plants.

But alas, it was all in vein.

Here we go again, 2 more dressed as policemen!

I stood up, walked around the room, and asked again

The dadliest one wins.

Edit: wow, what a response. You got me with your dadliest puns. I'm pretty sure by February I'll be completely dad. I guess that's only funny if you know my wife is pregnant with her first.

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

Fill it with spring water.

I said, “No, but I’ll watch for a couple of hours.”

0°

I ducked

The bartender, worried, asks him, "What's wrong? Why are you looking so down today?"

The man answers, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would not talk to me for a month."

The bartender, confused, asks, "So, what's wrong with that?"

The man replies, "Tonight is the last day."

The think it’ll have a microchimp.

An influenza.

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

Because she couldn't see that well.

A flat minor

So I have used this joke religiously for many many years. My oldest 20, second 5 and then my baby girl is just over 18 months. Every time any of them need a new diaper.

“Alright looks like you’ve broke it, there’s a crack in it so you need a new butt.”

The two older ones still crack up and princess dances around when I say it.

(Yes that is a mighty big gap in ages and yes all the same mom)

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

One a rapist and one a conman. The mayor decides to have them punished for their crime in a way that reflects their crimes and also make some money for the city. He sets them in stocks and charges $2 to punch the conman in the face and $5 to kick the rapist in the balls. The line goes around the block all day.

By the end of the day the conman can barely be recognized. Someone pays $2 walks up and kicks him in the balls instead.

The mayor yells “Stop you can’t do that!” The guy asks “why not he’s still a criminal?”

The mayor says, “this is the punch line.”

She said "It was good, I did a Jillian Michaels."

To which I replied, "Wow! That's a lot of Michaels!!"

Hahahahaha I'm so funny.

Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast.

Mom: "Do you have a car charger for the van?"

Me: "Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas."

Mom: glares

Dad: chokes on eggs

Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny! Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D

Background:

My dad recently retired and has since gotten a new favorite joke that he tells everyone who calls to congratulate him with his retirement.

The pun doesn't really work in english(I'm danish), but I thought I would share it anyway. This is how it usually goes:

Caller: How are you holding up? are you enjoying your spare time?

Dad: I actually just started my pHD

Caller: What? Wow

Dad: Pensioner every day

(In danish It would be: Pentionist hver dag, hence the PhD)

It's not funny at all, but he loves it and tells it to everyone

Hellifino

I'll tell a joke or something and he will always follow with, "Wow you're really funny". Then after like 20 seconds of everyone in the family knowing what comes next he goes, "But looks aren't everything!!". Then he proceeds to laugh for like five minutes. He does this every time someone says something funny.

At dinner, my mom was telling us a story of one of her kids (she works as a teacher) and how she accidentally sewed some string into her pants. This followed:

Me: Wow, that's sew funny!

Dad: Needle-less to say, I hope she was alright

Me: You have a point there

I don't believe anything else was said after that