Funny True Puns

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond...

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I came home yesterday (Friday) and excitedly told my wife that my boss decided to offer paternity leave to all new dads at the law firm.

She reminded me that I'm self employed and the only employee of the firm, and that if I wanted to pay the rent next month, my ass better be back at work on Monday.

So I guess I'll be at work on Monday...

If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking

She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

I'm 45...

But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.

1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

Ordered a cafe mocha at a ghetto McDs. African American "Barrista" asks me "you want the chocolate drizzle?"

I replied: "drizzle my nizzle" in the most white snoop dogg voice i could muster.

Barrista laughed. Daughter shrank. I then held my head high for the rest of the day. F'n proud was I.

We were out in our yard and a v of geese flew over. We both looked up and he said "You know why one side of the v is longer than the other?" Now I was expecting some intelligent response so, intrigued, I said "no why?" He just turned to me and with a completely straight face said "Well there's more geese on that side" and continued working. I still laugh like crazy when I think of it.

So not the kind you tell the kids, but certainly Dad jokes, and totally true!

I recently had a vasectomy and the guy 'doing the deed' was some genius wordsmith or was just trying to be punny.

The first thing he said in the prep-talk was "you won't feel a thing".

A few mins later it was "don't worry it will all be over quickly"

and finally whilst administering the local anaesthetic "you may feel a small prick".

We, I thought it was funny and he certainly gave me a chuckle.

Me: because I’m all groan up!

(True story, he’s 10... says dad jokes are funny but. Can’t quite finish the sentence but is sure there’s something wrong here. )

I broke my jaw, my cheek bone and cracked my skull in 2 spots.

It's funny because it's true.

Always wear your helmet.

A boomerang.

(Sorry if it's not funny, but it's true)

I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."

!False

It's funny 'cause it's true.

I was out at dinner with my parents a few nights ago, though I'm only getting around to posting this now. For some background, my mom is basically the nicest person in the universe, but my dad, brother and I are all capable of being assholes on a whim as long as we think it would be funny. This came up in conversation, and we got the following exchange:

Mom: I don't understand how you can be so rude when you live with me.
Me: You're too nice. We have to balance you out.
Dad: We're regressing toward the mean.

It actually wasn't all that bad at first. He didn't over-enunciate "mean" or anything. It really only became a true groaner once he added the ultimate joke killer:

"Get it?"

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium. · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Here's a "classic" from my own father:

"I remember one time I was at my grandma's house as a kid. I was so excited to tell her what I'd been learning about in school that week. I was telling her about how we'd learned all about πr^2 that week. She kept giving me funny looks and telling me that I was wrong, but I insisted that it was true, we had learned all about it. Finally she took me into the kitchen and opened the oven, where there was a pie baking. She pointed to the pie and exclaimed, 'Pie are ROUND!'"

This would happen way too many times during my childhood and I never learnt... maybe because I couldn't actually find another way to express it.. anyway:

My eye would be sore and hurting really bad

Dad: What's the matter? Me: I've got something in my eye. Dad: Yeah, your eyeball.

-seriously unhelpful while I can't even see properly...thanks Dad-

I have however used it to friends as I got older... they also found it to be rather unhelpful and annoying lol.

True Dad jokes are only funny if you're on the outside of the problem haha.