Funny Parenting Puns

When it's full groan.

They learn fromage

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, “it’s my high knee.”

Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

Seriously, any tips are welcome.

A solid 10, but also imaginary

"You avoid 'meet' whenever possible".

Clearly I've raised her well.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

When asked the question, "What came first, the chicken or the egg" the boy stared out the window for a few and came back with...

"I don't know, dad, I can't crack that one."

He had no idea why I was laughing so hard.

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif

I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!

When I was in 2nd or third grade and my sister was in kindergarten, we asked my dad why he didn't work anymore, he had retired earlier that year. He convinced us he had invented the question mark and every time someone read one, he got ten cents. It was funny, until my sister's teacher mentioned she was honored to meet such an important inventor at the parent teach conference. Then it was hilarious.

So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, "I like the dill rye bread." My dad replies, "that's because it's made of dill dough!" And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen. 37 years together and she still finds him funny.

As we order our ice cream, my parents, girlfriend and I.

Gf to dad: French vanilla huh? Fancy

Dad: Oui. Groans heard around the store

Dad: Ha! I'm funny

Mom: yeah, funny lookin'

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."

"...but it's not a blasphemy!"

https://imgur.com/a/Jx3pS

dad joke owning r/funny post

My parents have been traveling the world and my Mom bought my Dad a big world map (in a frame) for his birthday. It comes with tacks that you stick into the countries you have visited. Once they put the tacks in I dropped this.

Me: Isn't it funny how every country you have visited is now "under attack"?

My Mom glared at me and it took my Dad a couple seconds. He giggled and gave me that "I'm laughing but you know that was terrible" look.

The other day we went for pizza and the server asked if we were ready,

Server: what are you having?

Dad: I'll have a calzone, size 40.

Me: ...

the server and my parents start laughing.

Mom: come on son, laugh, that was a funny joke.

Me: no mom. That joke was too cheesy

EDIT: in spanish the word "calzone" translates to "underwear" amirite italians?

When I was about 15, I asked my parents if I could see "The Matrix." At that time, if I asked to see an R-rated movie, the rule was we waited till it came to video (yes, at the time it was videotapes) and my parents would watch it first without me to decide if they were comfortable with me watching it.

They watched it, and the next day, my dad asked me what I thought The Matrix was- I said it was some kind of group of cops or something that could do cool aerial fighting moves.

He said, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is... You have to see it for yourself."

For those who are unfamiliar, this is exactly the line used by one of the main characters when he introduces the concept of The Matrix.

No one? Just me? I thought it was funny. Oh well.

I was out at dinner with my parents a few nights ago, though I'm only getting around to posting this now. For some background, my mom is basically the nicest person in the universe, but my dad, brother and I are all capable of being assholes on a whim as long as we think it would be funny. This came up in conversation, and we got the following exchange:

Mom: I don't understand how you can be so rude when you live with me.
Me: You're too nice. We have to balance you out.
Dad: We're regressing toward the mean.

It actually wasn't all that bad at first. He didn't over-enunciate "mean" or anything. It really only became a true groaner once he added the ultimate joke killer:

"Get it?"

Okay lets be clear this is more of a Mom joke, but it is a Dad joke of a Mom. Now that's out of the way I was over at my friend's house, his parents are pretty funny and this joke is about his parent and not mine own.

So my friend has a four year old sister and she was mad because she couldn't have soda, so she threw a four year old fit. Her dad comes up to her and tells her she can have a cup of water. She starts crying and yells "I am going to my Womb", as four year olds can't pronounce Rs. Her Mother appears from her room and screams "Hey once you're out, you're out. There is no coming back in" The Dad who was doing his poker face breaks and starts crying laughing, so does everyone else but the daughter who just looks confused. After a few seconds we calm down and she says it again and storms off, as we chuckle.

I was talking on the phone with my parents and i was discussing my upcoming birthday. as soon as i mentioned this, i accidentally hung up on them. when i called back, my dad said that he continued the conversation with "so what do you want for your birthday" and upon hearing nothing from me because I had hung up he replied "good because thats exactly what we got you".

very funny dad

Talking about a cousin-in-laws new boyfriend

> He's getting a Ph.D. in Statistics, so he's pretty smart

Me: Would you say that he is significantly smart?

Someone wanted the stuffing:

> Did you know that when it isn't in the turkey it isn't called stuffing, but it's actually called dressing??

Me: Just don't put it on your salad

The parent's and my wife groaned but the little kids thought it was funny.

Not really a joke but I think you guys might appreciate it

Sometimes I find funny or cool videos about rc planes/drones on the internet and send them to him at home. So I found a video of someone crashing a 3.000$ drone at the first try to bring it up. My dad crashed his drone at new years eve but he got it to fly for a few minutes.

So I called my parents to check up on them and talked to my dad for a while, asking him if he get the video I sent him

Dad : "Yeah I got it, wasn't funny though. Remember new years"

Me : "well at least you got it up"

Dad : bursts out laughing "Hahaha I sure got it up" leaves the phone laughing and tells my mom what I said

I'm just sitting there while my mom joins my dad laughing

My wife told me the other day that when her and her siblings would finish their food, they would say "Dad, I'm done" and he would reply "What? Your dumb? Why would you say something like that about yourself?".

Yeah, nothing crazy funny, but her parents are native Spanish speakers so I think he used to troll the kids all the time and use that as an excuse. I think he still trolls me after 7 years.

But Im alright nooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

This was the original my parents used to say years ago. One day when I was 13 or so my dad came out with the following

"I once was a werewolf, but now Im alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttt!!

Caused a few face palms but damn funny. Still dont know if he meant to do it or not

We were riding in the car on our way to Atlantic City, New Jersey. Things were surprisingly calm for my family of five. Kids in the back, parents up front. Randomly, my sister asks my brother if he still has Lyme disease. He caught it two summers ago when we lived in an area with many ticks. My brother replies, "no, not anymore". Then my dad turns to face us from the passenger seat: "Yeah, it turned into Lemon disease". I chuckled because I immediately was reminded of this subreddit but my brother wasn't as amused. "Not even a little fucking funny".

Do you know what the 3 rings of marriage are? Engagement Ring Wedding Ring and Suffering

The shortest sentence in the English language is "I am." The longest is "I Do"

My parents are happily married, I found them funny though.