r/funny sent me here... My dad had surgery this morning to remove a cancerous section of his colon. He's still got his sense of humor. (X-post from r/funny) imgur.com/ZlOIj9q
πŸ‘︎ 595
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sigogglin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Bought a new hatchet yesterday. Came downstairs to find this note on it this morning.I think my dad is trying to teach me something about putting things away... [xpost /r/funny]
πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bieberfan99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 437
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But IΒ mistΒ my chance. I guess I couldΒ dewΒ itΒ tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 445
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A father, wanting to instil some manliness and maturity in his sons, brings them camping. The only food they get to eat is the food they get from the forest.

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

β€œWe played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

β€œWe gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

β€œOkay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

β€œPea soup.”

β€œLunch?”

β€œPea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

β€œWhat’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

β€œNothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

β€œWell, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

β€œPee soup.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Brain to mouth filter disengaged

The other morning my daughter was feeling down because she has been outshined by a male in the mixed netball team and felt she couldn't do better because she was a girl.

I of course pointed out that girls can do anything that a guy can do if she puts her mind to it. So far so good.

ERROR - brain to mouth filter disengaged.

Then said, in earshot of my wife, look at your mother over there growing a moustache.

She did not find it as funny as we did.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tailsandtails
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Joke chain...

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked by a toilet

For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.

Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.

Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.

The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:

"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/txgsync
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Get my wife whenever I set my alarm clock

She asks "What are you setting it for?"
I give her a funny look and tell her "To wake me up in the morning of course."

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Still cracks me up when I think about it. Dads are the best!

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Wing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my own dad with this one.

I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/missphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Very punny, husband.

I'm in my kitchen this morning trying to make myself some oatmeal when I discover that we are out of bowls yet again. (We only have a couple and we have a roommate, so this is a common problem.)

I say to my husband, "We need more fucking bowls! This is bullshit!"

He starts to giggle.

"What the fuck is so funny about not having enough bowls???"

"It sounded like you said, 'This is bowlshit.'" He continues to laugh.

Sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ladybrekizzle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Fog

Just dropped this one on the guy I'm seeing: Him - Did you see the fog this morning? Me - No, I only got up 20 minutes ago so I mist it.

He thinks I'm funny because he laughed!! I think it might be love ha ha :)

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PM-Your-Thoughts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
🚨︎ report
"You must've slept funny"

Wake up in the morning feeling sore.

Girlfriend: How did you sleep, babe? Me: Not too great I've a sore back. Girlfriend: Aw, you must've slept funny. Me: Really? I don't remember telling any jokes while I slept.

It took her a second, but when she got it, she gave me a groan and a smile.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad, when trying to remember the name of the series I was watching.

Last night he took an interest into the show I was watching - the new series of unfortunate events.

In the morning he wanted to know what it was called so took a stab in the dark:

"That show... funny incidental things"

He was dead serious, never change dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wild_starbrah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Do I dad joke too much?

My fiancΓ© and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she picked up her empty glass and said, "I'm thirsty."

My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. I turned with entirely too much vigor and extended my hand to her in greeting. And before I could say anything she said, "haha nice to meet you. You're so funny."

Does it still count as a dad joke if you don't even get to say it?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shiningmidnight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joking the news

I listen to the news on the radio in the morning. Any time they mention the World Health Organization, I frown and say "Who?", whether or not anyone's around to hear it.

Years later, I still find this funny.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andronikus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
🚨︎ report
I pulled off a gutsy dad joke this morning.

My wife woke up late. So she asked me to help her with her morning routine, things like making her a lunch and stuff like that. When she was ready for work, she said, "Thanks, Husband. Sorry you had to pick up the slack. I got a little behind."

I teasingly said, "Is it under the rest of it?" ^^Oh ^^man, ^^I ^^hope ^^she ^^finds ^^this ^^funny.

Thankfully, she got a good laugh out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/k_kolsch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my wife this morning...

The kids didn't find it funny either....

When she woke up this morning, I had coffee on the kitchen counter for her. a few minutes later she was talking about the new bed we bought, and having it come in on Monday. So, I make a crack about "testing" the new bed Monday night...

Wife: aaargghhh... you make me crazy. (as in "you're an idiot, stop talking to me")

Me: No, I made you a coffee. It's on the counter... remember...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/binky_snoosh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my supervisor

I've been waiting so long to use this...

Me: Good morning, sir.

Supervisor: Morning, you're painting until sometime after noon. I need you to go pick up some parts for me.

Me: Sounds like a plan, Stan.

Supervisor: Funny guy... Okay, I'll call you later.

Me: Actually, you can just call me Tyler.

Supervisor didn't even crack a smile, but my life has been worth it now. β€ͺ#β€Ždadjokes‬

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Newdul1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
🚨︎ report
I kicked 80s references into high gear with my family last night.

We were driving to the fireworks celebration in town as Bad Company's "Feel Like Making Love" played on the radio.

> Hey, if I worked as a manager at a glove factory, I would would ask new employees if they 🎢 Feel like makin' gloves?!? 🎢

Of course I couldn't let it go, so I followed it up with:

> If I worked at an aviary that specialized in dove procreation, I would ask my co-workers each morning if they 🎢 Feel like makin' doves?!? 🎢

The wife thought it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boyerman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
A Dad-tastic April Fools joke

This morning my friend and I were exchanging conversation about what our dad's usually do to prank us on April 1st. My dad always calls and says he was in a horrible car accident and broke a limb. It's never funny, but he laughs and laughs so I go with it. My friends Dad however is a classic Dad-joke type of Dad. This year, my friend tells me: >Friend: My dad said Mr. Lion called for me

>Me: Mr. Lion eh?

>Friend: Yea he gave me a number to call, but I haven't called it yet.

>Me: I'll call!

I get the number from him, and the automated message service for the San Diego Zoo clicks on. It's pun-tastic, a fun, and non aggravating April Fools joke.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaszune
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Mom joked too many times

My mom's used this one 15 times in the past few days. Maybe one of you can still find it funny.

"I named the toilet 'Jim' so I can say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tkellogg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
🚨︎ report
20 month old dad joked my 3 1/2 year old...

So my oldest was having my youngest say things back to her in the car on the way to daycare this morning. Mostly to be funny - things like booger and toot.

Oldest finally starts trying to have her say a bunch of stuff... Went like this.

Oldest: "ok, say, booger and red and blue and tree and car and boat." Pause, "hey! Say this!"

Youngest: "This!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoyGreen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
🚨︎ report
The punchline is key

A few weeks ago I stayed at my dad's house. In the morning I found I had forgotten my keys and therefore had locked myself in. Because I didn't want to get told off/mocked by my dad, I phoned my brother's girlfriend to go to my brother at his work, retrieve the key from him and bring it back to dad's house to let me out. The following week my brother (the traitor) told my dad about this escapade and dad phoned me to mock me and tell me that not only was there a spare key in the house already, dad just happened to be driving past the house when I left anyway so could've let me out himself...

These are some of the key-related puns since then.

> me: dad, I didn't get the job in [city]

> dad: don't worry, it wasn't a key position.

Today in the restaurant we ate at: oh look! They do KEY lime pie!

Dude turns his head to look at me as dad and I walk down the road together: oooh! He looked keen. Geddit? Keen? KEY-n

> me: okay dad, you can stop with the key jokes now.

> dad makes the motion of sealing his lips and locking them with a key, immediately bursting into fits of giggles before he says: nah I think this joke has many more possibilities to unlock. more laughter

So many groans...

Ninja edit: something went funny with the submit page...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad this morning

Everybody was sitting quietly at the breakfast table this morning and my dad decided to break the silence with this.

Dad: This orange juice tastes funny...

Mom: What does it taste like?

Dad: I don't know, but it has a dole flavor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/like_and_umm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad pulled a double dad joke yesterday

Mom walks in

Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.

Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!

Mom: haha you're funny.

Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!

....

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyllama256
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked as soon as I walked into the office.

Heading in to work in the morning and the first thing I see when I walk in the door is a wooden skid. It was pretty dirty. First thought was "I hope that doesn't leave any... skid marks!"

Haha, I found that much more funny than anyone should have.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gameslasher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.