Funny Jello Puns

... and I couldn't for the life of me understand what he was trying to say so I ate his white glowing, delicious looking flies and then he died. The fuck? What the hell dude they where just flies. I was absolutely sure he was like super important, going to give me purpose, help me make sense of it all etc. But No absolutely nothing. Now I am at the edge of the fucking world with a deceased robotic gummy-bear. I give up.

I have many many JNF stories between my redneck meth head aunt to my husband's mentally unstable father and a NMIL and NGMIL in the mix for fun. But I can only dole out the crazy a bit at a time or risk sending myself into depression or rage or both.

Today I will start with a kinda funny tale about one of the better and more stable members of this circus, my SFIL.

My SFIL is a doddering old southern boy who mainly means well (100% my MIL's e). When I was pregnant with DD#1 in 2008 I was sick. Not morning sick, not all day sick, but literally vomiting all the time sick. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum and ended up in the hospital a few times on fluids.

Out of pity SFIL, who lived next door at the time, brought me a box of jello. It was a sweet gesture and I know what he was going for there, but the jello he brought me was http://gbnfgroceries.blogspot.com/2012/06/from-misc-products-aisle-jello-1-2-3.html?m=1 123 Jello... In 2008! I looked it up and the last run was in limited areas in like 1993. So at best he gave me 15 year old jello. I didn't make the jello, but kept it for a while as an oddity, till the powder exploded out of the disintegrating box and I finally put it to rest. Funny thing is, DH and I realized later that it had moved several times and went through at least one divorce in that 15 years. That box had seen some shit go down.

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I haven't had my baby yet but my main concern is people doing what they want with my baby such as kissing his face and whatnot. I was venting to my sil about going off on people for trying to do these things and she responded with a smile that she was gonna lick my baby's face over and over just to mess with me. I know people love to piss people off and use whatever they can to do so but here's the thing. My sil literally shares her food and drinks with the dogs. She isn't bothered one bit by germs and I have witnessed her literally spoonfeed jello to the dogs and then eat off the very same spoon not even trying to wipe it off. She is no germaphobe to any degree. Yes there is plenty of proof to show that doing such things can make a baby very sick but what if she would decide to overlook these things to be "funny"? My question is what would you do if someone actually licked your baby because they think it would be funny to see you angry over it.

Do your worst!

Ntrails the Demonspawn Chaos Knight began the quest for the Orb.

https://crawl.xtahua.com/crawl/morgue/Ntrails/morgue-Ntrails-20220115-102334.txt

So, having needed 20+ attempts to get a DEWz out with the orb, in what felt like very hard work, I thought I'd do something silly and try out Ck/Xom. Obviously with a race I don't have yet, and the suggestion seemingly was Demonspawn.

It started pretty much perfectly:

284 | D:1      | Gained mutation: You have a pair of small horns on your head. [demonic ancestry]

Xom, obviously, thought this was hilarious. But I guess I'm roleplaying a minotaur now? Only with just Xom awful aptitudes in literally everything holy shit.

1501 | D:4      | Identified the +6 dagger of Adghefun {pain, rElec rPois rN++ Str+2} (You found it on level 4 of the Dungeon)

Well, screw axes, I'm a dagger demonspawn now. Thanks dungeon!

6139 | D:7      | Identified the +6 rapier of Lies {flame, rElec Will++ Str+2 Int-3} (You found it on level 7 of the Dungeon)

I misspoke, I'm a short blades demonspawn. Obviously. At this point the whole world felt pretty tab-able. Xom started mutating me for funsies, but way more upsides than downsides. Went down to d:12 (skipping a couple of scary looking vaults).

11575 | D:12     | Identified the +3 plate armour of Qeothuho {rElec Regen+ Dex-4 Slay+3} (You found it on level 12 of the Dungeon)

I think I made a mistake wearing this from the get go? I saw some messages around "your armour prevents you from poking things" which was probably not enough skill/strength?

Mostly tabbed through lair, with some "help".

11979 | Lair:1   | XOM: summons 7 hostile demons
12665 | Lair:2   | XOM: summons 5 friendly demons

Xom is nothing if not even handed eh?

13086 | Lair:2   | Gained mutation: You are almost entirely resistant to further mutation and mutation removal. [Xom's grace]

Ahahahaha, you can stop right there Xom. I'm mutation proof. Locking in only good things. Super chuffed.

13804 | Lair:3   | XOM: give mutations

Ah. That doesn't work on Gods obviously. Balls. Lair complete, down to Orc which was mostly fine bar an encounter with more mobs than I could handle alongside a couple uniques.

17207 | Orc:1    | Noticed an orc warlord
17222 | Orc:1    | Noticed Harold
17234 | Orc:1    | Noticed Snorg

Shhhhiiiiiit...

17240 | Orc:1    | XOM: cleaving
17242 | Orc:1    | XOM: potion eff

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

BKTB back again, check it, direct it, let’s begin. Well, we actually began on Monday so...let’s continue.

The Hall of Fame has unleashed their 2022 ballot on voters and included 13 new players for consideration. We’ve been doing this for four years now, I think most people understand what’s happening here. And for those who don’t, I promise it’s not complicated and you’ll figure it out pretty quickly.

Now let’s get started!

Justin Morneau

Bill James Hall of Fame Monitor: 56

Career bWAR: 27 (14 seasons)

Stats: .281/.348/.481, 349 2B, 247 HR, 772 R, 985 RBI, 120 OPS+

League Leading Stats: Games (163, 2008), Batting Ave (.319, 2014), Sac Flies (11, 2006), IBB (16, 2008)

Awards: All-Star x4 (2007-2010), Silver Slugger x2 (2006, 2008), ASG Home Run Derby Champ (2008), 2014 Batting Champion (NL), MVP (2006, AL)

Teams played for: Minnesota (2003-2013), Pittsburgh (2013), Colorado (2014-15), Chi Sox (2016)

Number of Concussions: banana

Justin Ernest George Morneau—the pride of New Westminster, British Columbia—would like you to know that he doesn’t need your stinking Hall of Fame vote. One of the ten best players to come from the frozen tundra, Morneau has already been enshrined in the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame, receiving the honor in 2020.

According to Morneau’s Wikipedia page (which I am not discounting the possibility of having been written by Morneau himself), he played catcher for his youth baseball teams and was a goalie on the school hockey teams growing up, dabbling in basketball as well. He was a member of back-to-back National Champion baseball teams in 1997-98, being named the best hitter of the Championships in the latter season. He played a season of Junior League hockey as a third-string goalie in 1998, before dropping the puck and picking up a catcher's mitt full time the following spring, after the Twins drafted him in the third round (89th overall pick) in the 1999 draft. Prior to leaving the sport, Morneau said he figured hockey had been responsible for giving him “a couple” of concussions in his youth, but that’s not the kind of thing that tends to come back to haunt a guy, so why even talk about it now?

Morneau would go on to club minor league pitching like a bunch of baby seals, posting identical 1.018 OPS marks at the Rookie and A-ball levels, and hitting a combined 60 homers and 139 RBI across AA and AAA and being ranked as a Baseball America to

Haven't seen anyone post a full report so I figure why not air my issues out.

In 2018 I lost my mother and by spring 2019 my father (a very very frequent cruiser) decided to get the family together in 1 year when all the kids would be able to get off school for a 7 day sailing on the largest passenger cruise ship in the world... April 2020. For 10 months I prepared, finding out the secrets of the ship, seeing what I was going to look forward doing and had that pre-vacation euphoria riding high. By Feb of 2020 my sister was the first to face the reality of the world while I kept saying "of course we're still going, you're crazy." A month later as the NBA/NCAA canceled their seasons and my employer canceled my employment Royal was canceling my vacation.

Fast forward to June of 2021 and cruising ramps up for a relaunch, my father sees there is a Symphony sailing the week of Xmas that will work with the kids and we book by July 4. All summer I follow along with the new processes on the ships. The tests, the masks, the reduced capacity and reduced offerings. My father goes on a cruise in July and another in Aug and another in September. Tests all go well, cases are virtually non-existent, food is good but repetitious and not all shows are yet in service, but it's all ramping up. I get a good deal on the drink package at $53 a day, got my booster and by November passenger counts are going up, activities are progressing and all shows are operational the only negative I was worried about was the annoying bracelet that people complained about.

Then Thanksgiving and news of Omicron came out, but come on, the restart came during Delta's onslaught so why worry? Then it all started going downhill on the 17th when they released the new mask mandate and then the articles regarding the 44+ passengers and then the 12/18 sailing's delayed arrival and I started to brace for what I knew would be a cruise that fell severely short of even covid expectations. As the days went on and I saw reports from the 12/18 cruise saying the activities on board were being cut.... no escape room, no laser tag, shortened hours on things... i really began to mentally prepare and then we got our own 2 hour delay emails... but even with my being prepared for a lesser experience, I had no idea just how disappointed I was about to be.

The morning of the 23rd my father says "email be damned! We'll get there at 1130 as scheduled and if they make us wait outside, so be it" ... we pull up and see

They’re on standbi

𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙

She brought a jello mold as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift, lime with what looked like ricotta and ham inside. Yikes.

“I’m Marguerite, but everyone calls me Mitsy.” She smiled, teeth as perfect as the pearls around her neck. “Welcome to Bedford!”

“Penny,” I replied, accepting the shivering green abomination. “The DMV calls me Penelope.”

She laughed, throwing her head back with PEZ-dispenser-esque theatricality. “You’re funny! Isn’t she funny, Waldo?”

Waldo looked like he could use a Klonapin or a blow job. Maybe both. “Very drole.” He smiled painfully. “Uh, your gardener, Penelope. He isn’t live-in, is he?”

My gardener? I didn’t—ohh.

“My husband? Amadi? Glasses, kinda tall, dreadlocks?”

The last descriptor made Mitsy’s left eye twitch, confirming something for the both of us. Again…yikes.

Her smile tightened. “How…modern.”

YIKES.

Amadi was less surprised that miscegenation was “modern” for our new neighbors.

“Wait..Penny..Mitsy-with-the-good-pearls is…racist? My stars…” He swooned. I giggled. “Look, don’t let the solar panels and Biden signs fool you, Pen. They’ll welcome you, smile at me, but they associate a face like mine with a threat. It’s shitty, but…you know.”

I didn’t, not really, but that night, I stared at that ‘threatening’, handsome, loving face as he swiped through his iPad in the living room. I almost cursed the flicker of blue light from the window for spoiling his pensive focus. Amadi looked up.

A moment later, there was a knock at the door.

“Police. Open the door.”

Amadi knitted his brow and I gave my best reassuring look. We didn’t do anything wrong. It was fine.

“Hello?” I said, looking through an obscured peephole. “Could you step back, officer? And what’s this about?”

I waited.

Thud Thud Thud

“Police. Open the door.”

I looked back at Amadi. He stared, his jaw rhythmically tensing. He silently shook his head ‘no.’

“I can’t see you... Please step back... Hey!”

No change.

“This is a private resid—“

THUD THUD THUD

“Police. Open the door.”

The door shook. Windows rattled. But the voice was calm, measured…repetitive.

“Tell me why.” The peephole was still dark. “Fuck, man, tell me anything other th—“

The slow turn of the doorknob stopped me. I grabbed it, suddenly aware of my sweaty palms and quickened pulse thrumming in my fingers.

THUD

The house shuddered and behind me Amadi was gasping quick, short breaths.

“Police. Open the door.”

THUD

“Open the doo

BamBOO!