I met a woman today who had 12 breasts. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Sounds funny..

Dozen Tit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BezWates
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Beauty lies in the eyes of the... (not mine, but still funny) m.imgur.com/Ca0CRPV
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fogledude102
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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In a hairy situation with your car? Maybe a sticky situation with your truck? Service with a wink and twinkle in their eye (xpost from r/funny)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omgitsblol
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Sponge bob | (β€’)(β€’) | , Patrick / (β€’)(β€’) \ , Squidward ( (β€’)(β€’) ) , Plankton | (β€’) | , Mr. Krabs |β€’| |β€’|

Made me smile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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[OC] death goes grocery shopping
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fyahspreadit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Why do dads tell dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Always important to bee yourself
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuBjUb1121
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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My girlfriend asked if I liked her new glasses

"It's quite a spectacle"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blx666
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heyaliheyali
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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My girlfriend said that my jokes aren't even funny

"I agree. They're odd funny!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanyyDezeyte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2014
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Son got me!

Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...

Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".

Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"

Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"

Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"

Im still laughing!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Dad joked my teenage son this afternoon

Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.

Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.

I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/copast2
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChoozeGooze
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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My dad at a restaurant

We were at a chinese place and we ate everything but a few vegetables. My mom asked if we should bring anything home. My dad asked the waiter for a take home container for the glasses of water

It was hilarious. But in text doesn't seem as funny. Fuck it. I'm posting this anyways.

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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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Sometimes I miss my dad and his jokes :( This one was his GO TO, would tell it every single chance he got.

Dad: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(expectant silence)

Dad: (relentless attempts to evoke wrong answers from audience)

Dad: No eye-deer??? (:D)

I never found it funny, but now that he's not around to tell it I kinda chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreamOutLoudd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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What did the Dr. say to the Leprechaun when the Leprechaun hurt his eye?

"Oh yeah you're Eye-rish"

I made this up in 3rd grade but still thinks its funny

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yacobeem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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My sister asked my pop to pass the seafood at the dinner table.

I have a scrawny, little, younger sister and we always have a seafood buffet for Christmas dinner.

Sister: "Hey, dad can you pass me the shrimp and I want some mussels too please?"

Dad: "Here's the shrimp, for mussels you're gonna have to go to a gym and do some exercising" [continues eating his food without ever passing the mussels]

Sister: "Hey, dad....."

Pops: "Hay is for horses, this is seafood."

This was especially funny due to the fact that he kept a poker face the entire time and never made eye contact with my sister, being completely serious and never cracking a smile. These exchanges happen at least 7X a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/konvictkarl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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Priest got me today.

Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said "That's a pretty funny dad joke!"

His response: "That's Father Joke to you."

Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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My dad's corny jokes

My dad has this habit of pretending he didn't hear what you said, and then "repeating" it. Like if I said I was going to see an art show, he'll say, "You're going to a FART show? I had no idea you'd have any interest in that!" Lots of jokes along those lines, amongst others.

When I was younger I would laugh because he was kinda funny, and also to make him happy, but as I've gotten older I laugh not JUST because he's funny (in a corny way) but because the fact he still makes these jokes makes me so happy and really warms my heart. My mom is physically disabled, my dad has a bunch of health issues, we've all suffered terribly at times because of all this illness. And no matter how bad it gets, my dad is always there trying his hardest to put a smile on other people's faces and to lighten the mood a bit with his jokes. I've always been the type of girl to mope and be depressed when things are hard, but as I've gotten older I've tried to be more like my old man because I think it's something really special and admirable and selfless about stepping outside of your own negativity to give others something to laugh at or smile about. My dad is such a fuckin hero, I love him so much, and I can't imagine how unbearable this world would seem at times without him trying to make us all laugh.

So to all you dads telling your corny dad jokes, don't ever stop. Your kids and wife might groan or roll their eyes, but inside they love their corny old man and appreciate the goofy puns and fart jokes you tell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Osusanna
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Dad joke from a non dad

SO i work in a store and basically:

A new girl had started and was scanning through this couples items. Last on the list was a Β£5 jar of Nescafe Gold. As she scanned it through the man went to grab it and it fell and broke. I instantly turned round to her, looked her dead in the eye and said "Now thats what I call... Ground Coffee"

My boss started laughing as did everyone at my Till and she was laughing shouting "Its not funny".

I do this every time she drops a jar of coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXxXREMNANTXxXx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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I can cut a tree just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

Originally posted on r/funny

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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"It may be a blast for you..."

"...but it's not a blasphemy!"

https://imgur.com/a/Jx3pS

dad joke owning r/funny post

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeusTroanDetected
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
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I made salmon for dinner last night...

Girlfriend: "I can't eat this it tastes funny."

Me: "Are you sure? I'm certain the label said salmon and not clown fish."

Cue groans and eye rolling

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/champthebit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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today at work I found out I'm ready to be a dad.

I work at a summer camp where my ongoing joke is instead of doing activities we are going to real, eat vegetables and do math. one kid did not find it funny and asked why:

kid: why do we have to do math? Do you ever use it during summer?

me: sum times.

I repeated it with emphasis on both words for a bout a minute or so until his eyes rolled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungun
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
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Do I dad joke too much?

My fiancΓ© and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she picked up her empty glass and said, "I'm thirsty."

My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. I turned with entirely too much vigor and extended my hand to her in greeting. And before I could say anything she said, "haha nice to meet you. You're so funny."

Does it still count as a dad joke if you don't even get to say it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiningmidnight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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Pun overload!

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gibbens15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
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Want to do a cross Canada camping trip?

I don't know if you could handle it. It could be in-tents.

Que eye roll and "you are not even funny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialWarPig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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At the Coinstar machine with my cousin.

My cousin and I pour two buckets of coins in to the machine and it kicks out the rejects into a little slot. My cousin starts sending them back through the machine to try to get them accepted.

I look over and say, "come on, now you're just nickel and diming it."

The teller chuckles. My cousin rolls her eyes and says, "you're not funny."

I say, "that's just your two cents."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JabbaDHutt
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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Grandpa at the dinner table, Thanksgiving

So, Grandpa, you can't fly for a bit then? (He had eye surgery, can't fly due to changing pressure or something)

"Yeah, but mostly because I don't have wings"

No one else found it as funny as I did unfortunately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afrocolt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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On a trip to Universal Studios

This was quite a while ago, I was probably in middle school (currently 26). My family took a quick day trip to Universal Studios Hollywood since we live in the greater LA area. Now to set the scene, my dad is a native of Mexico but has lived here since his late teens so his English is pretty good with a tinge of an accent since Spanish is his primary language. We park in the parking garage on property and we do the usual "make a mental note of where we parked for later". That's when I see a smirk come across his face as he turns to me laughing under his breath.

-"What's so funny?"

-"Notice where we parked?"

-"Yeah. Jurassic Park lot, 3B"

Cue dad

-"Jurassic Park..." half expecting me to laugh. He continues "Jurassic Park... Jurr-Ass-is-Parked"

facepalm

As terrible as it was at the time, I've tried to pull this joke out with friends years later, eye rolls and crickets. Thanks dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lpmark04
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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Joke de père

Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!

Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.

So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.

See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You got it, right? She said, "the second cookie is my tip" (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply "tip? Cookies are for eating!" (Pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MAN, its funny as hell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brunovitch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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finally got my bf

making the bed

"I got that sheet right" i instant lock eyes with my bf and start grinning

he said it wasn't funny and then we got in bed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aufleur
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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Got my new classmate today.

Just went to this new class and started conversing with random people, then this girl says that her dad is in Turkey.

Girl: "Yeah, he's a lawyer and travels a lot"

Other classmate: "Oh that's cool, does he ever bring you anything from the places he visits?"

Girl: "Yeah he normally does."

Me: "Let me guess, I bet this time he'll bring you Turkey!"

To which some classmates rolled their eyes and she smiled and said she was a vegetarian, but it was a funny joke. I think I made a great first impression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremiah1119
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my gf with a delayed effect.

So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her "You know why eating a clock is a bad idea?"
She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming.
"Because it's very time consuming."
She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it.
A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by "that was really, really lame, honey!"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smallwater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
🚨︎ report
"Dad, this lamp isn't as I heavy as I thought"

Of course not, it's a light

Cue rolling eyes and a "that's not funny"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minnick27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
I didn't grow up with a dad, but my mom makes me laugh.

Me: How'd you sleep? Mom: With my eyes closed!

I also like, "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a few mistakes."

Well, I think they're funny..

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarletblush
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my wife during shark week

Wife: "I feel funny"

Me: "Then tell me a joke"

Wife: As she rolls her eyes " I mean my insides feel funny "

Me: "Then tell me an inside joke"

She just sighed and went to bed while I chuckled heartily.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtygreen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
🚨︎ report

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