https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jul/06/leading-the-country-south-australia-to-ban-plastic-cutlery-straws-and-stirrers
This is literally where it’s at in Australia. One state is “leading the country” because they’re going to introduce a bill to parliament in 2020 to ban plastic cutlery and straws. Well whoopy fucking do.
“Sarah Hanson-Young, a federal Greens senator from South Australia, praised the Liberal government for “listening to the people and moving beyond single-use plastics”.
“It’s well past time to act on this issue,” she said. “With the extinction crisis looming, we know reducing pollution is an important step.”
This sounds like something The Onion would write as satire. Ban straws and save all the animals from extinction!
.
My daughter was all grown up. It was a challenging thing for me to accept. I know it's how life is supposed to work, but that doesn't make it any easier.
My hands were stuffed inside my pockets as I wandered around the foyer. Kendra used to crawl up and down these halls, fumbling around in her diapers. I used to hear her gibberish all the way up the stairs. Now she was standing in the foyer, all her possessions sealed in cardboard boxes.
Off to College. Ohio State. She was going to be a Buck-Eye just like her father.
“Did you make sure you have everything?” Miranda asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Yes, Mom,” she smiled. “Triple checked, just like you asked.”
“Parker checked the fluid levels?” I asked.
“Yes, Dad.”
We stood there in silence, all stalling tactics thoroughly exhausted. The only words left were goodbye.
Tears flooded from Miranda's eyes, a stream of black mascara steadily running down both cheeks as she wished our daughter goodluck.
I bit down hard on my cheek as I bear hugged Kendra. As she broke free from my embrace, I quickly wiped away the salty trickle from my eyes.
“Don't get so worked up guys,” Kendra said. “ I’ll be back in the summer.”
“And for Christmas?” Miranda enquired.
“And Christmas.“
“Reading break, too? “ I urged.
She flashed another pearly white smile as she opened the door, “It’s a really long drive, Dad. We’ll see.”
Kendra grabbed the last of the cardboard boxes and promised to text us once she arrived.
“I love you guys.”
Just like that, our grown up daughter was gone.
***
As far as I was concerned, no one would ever be good enough for my daughter. Plenty of people would heap praise over how exceptionally gorgeous she was. She was tall and slender - just like her father - but her most striking features were inherited from her mother: amber eyes that blazed with tenacity, soft skin and rolling cinnamon locks. Her selflessness- an endless capacity for love that seemed to beam out of her- I had no idea where she got that from, but I was damn grateful that it was a part of who she was.
As she got older, I tried my best to lay down the law. No partying. No boyfriends. I ruled with an iron fist out of fear and protection for her. I knew how teenage boys could be (and that terrified me), but I soon realized that this was a losing battle. As time went on, she retreated more and more to her phone, opting to text and giggle in her room over spending time with the family. I would find paintings and sket
... keep reading on reddit ➡“Why am I here?” Orn’tol asked.
Rob and Keira stopped short, curious expressions on their faces as they turned to face the young Ranger. “What do you mean?” Rob replied. He gestured at the empty street they’d been walking down a moment ago. “We’re searching for a Locus of Power. Same thing we’ve been doing for the past hour.”
“Yes, but why am I here?” Orn’tol gave a helpless sort of shrug. “You’re the only person that can sense a Locus of Power. At present, I’m little more than a tagalong. When you invited me to join your search, I assumed it was with the intent of giving me a purpose. Some way I could assist you.”
“You’re assisting,” Rob assured.
“How so?”
Shit. Called my bluff. “Um...” Rob stalled for a half-second. “Emotional support?”
Orn’tol sighed and shook his head. Rob decided to call that a win – Orn’tol would have been way more exasperated if he knew that the real reason he was there was because Rob got caught up in the moment and invited everyone along for dramatic effect.
“Emotional support is as fair a reason as any,” Keira said, lying through her teeth.
Orn’tol scowled at her, looking – just for an instant – like the spitting image of Riardin. “And why, pray tell, are you here?”
“I’m shirking my duties,” Keira stated. “Had I stayed with the crowd, they would have foisted responsibility after responsibility onto me, the first of which would have been hearing their vapid complaints.” She adopted a nasally, high-pitched tone. “Keira, why didn’t you slay the Blight in a single blow and spare us all this trouble? Keira, can you make my grief disappear with a few kind words and a pat on the back? Keira, Keira, Keira.”
She rolled her eyes and blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. “I can’t be bothered with any of their mundane trivialities. They address day-to-day issues, and I kill things that need killing. That’s the arrangement, and perhaps one day they’ll understand as much.”
Rob and Orn’tol blinked, glancing at each other as surreptitiously as they could. “Keira...” Rob said, hesitant. “Are you okay? That’s a bit more disdain for the townsfolk than usual.”
Keira winced. “We’re all apprehensive about what happened,” she hazarded. “In that regard, I am no different from anyone else.”
<She couldn’t kill something that needed killing,> Diplomacy supplied. *<She didn’t even try. As a result, Randor died, Lycia died, hundreds others died, and Elder Duran is on the verge of joining them. She feels as if she failed,
... keep reading on reddit ➡--------------------------------
Gabriel hadn’t been tired but leaning against the wall with dimmed lights and the sleeping body of Tac on his chest made him fall asleep anyways. He awoke when the weight rolled off him. As he was waking up he felt a scally finger run across his right eyelid.
Tac mumbled to herself: “How?”
Gabriel answered instinctively: “I wouldn’t die even if I tried killing myself.” Elle had never explicitly stated so but he knew it.
Tac’s voice was still shaky but at least she was speaking to him: “Are you seriously expecting to score sympathy points?”
‘Patience and communication’ He reminded himself of his mothers advice before answering: “Do you remember why I came to you? I need someone like a princess to run this place for me.”
She chuckled in distress as tears started forming in her eyes again: “Like a princess. I’m not a princess anymore. I’m not even a daughter anymore. Do you remember why?”
He could vividly recall decapitating her father: “I’m sorry. Yo-”
She interrupted him, pissed for an unknown reason for him: “Shut up. I’ll take the co-queen job but please just shut up and leave me alone.”
He left after suppressing the urge to mention manners. The hall made him realize just how much her room was different to the bright beautiful outside. However there will be other days to enjoy this beauty. For now he had power to consolidate.
Gabriel spent the rest of his day working through Gorf’s to-do list. First was accepting oaths from the inner guard. He learned during those hours that he was not comfortable in the slightest with the endless bowing, kneeling and swearing. One funny thing was when they offered him their best warriors as bodyguards. As battle hardened as they looked they were only Skiks, the mere suggestion made him laugh out loud. He knew in hindsight that his reaction wasn’t polite and their faces showed that. After giving it a second thought he accepted them under the condition they’d split up equally between Zuski and Tac.
Next up was cleaning the mess in the city. The city was laid out as a series of large compartments carved out of the meteor, which were joined together by tunnels and the supply corridor leading outside. The two issues on hand were the remaining militia forces hi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Do your worst!
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
Good Evening you crazy people, here it is, and a bit earlier this time, a good hour and a half before midnight, so as always, comments and constructive criticism in the comment are very much appreciated
and now, have at it!
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Taruk:
"What can we do about this Mushty? Is it possible to change to a different FTL lane?" Taruk was pacing back and forth on the bridge, rubbing his hands.
"Well, sure we can change FTL lane, but that will add a significant amount of travel time, but choosing one that takes us closer to Republic controlled space will be safer. Do you want me to plot a course and give an estimate of our new travel time?" Mushty was sitting in her captains chair already plotting several new courses trying to get estimates on travel time, and looking for empty slots in the FTL lanes travel system.
"Don't bother giving me an estimate, choose one that's far safer than our current path and make the shift, Ethan is no way prepared to deal with a full on pirate assault." Taruk was wringing his hands at this point.
"Should i get our old gear out, just to be safe?"
"Once your done with the new course, I don't think it will be a bad idea to at least be prepared, we are still only just a day or so away from the station, what is the likelihood of getting attacked so close to a Republic station."
Ethan:
Suddenly Ethan felt a cold shiver run down his spine. "This can't be good" he thought as he was carrying two chairs and a table towards the cargo bay, a small red and white cross patterned bundle lay atop the table, containing a set of plates, cutlery, glasses and a candlestick, made to look like brass, complete with candles.
Once in the cargo bay he found a nice corner spot and put it all down, but before he started to set up he needed to change, so off the engineering bay once more, last he was there all the fabric was done but nothing had been collected yet.
Upon entering, he saw that both Tifa and Tonfa was standing there admiring the new dress Tonfa had designed.
Ethan cleared his throat, which made the two Loraxian sp
... keep reading on reddit ➡
You take away their little brooms
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
"okay class produce your homework of bringing in some random item from your houses for us to do magic on. Oh looks like a lot of people have brought metal cutlery, the people who have done that should come over here, we've got a scroll of an ancient text by a dude called faradey, you get no other information but you get points if your measurements line up with the results from the other class, we're seeing whose fork can get the most rusted when we plug them in to different batteries it's called "electrolysis" or some shit. Alternatively, here's a Bunsen burner, the only rule is you can't burn anyone else or their shit without their permission".
"Okay class it's PE: fight! Here's some boxing gloves and don't go for the head or we'll move your set down. Alternatively, you can come over here and learn HOW to fight like a boxer, that way your lot can do better in the punch up area. Useful for kids who get bullied, learn how to box and then fucking go for that kid who burned your aluminium coke can with a Bunsen burner. Alternatively, here's a ball you can kick about, and nerds who don't want to physically exert themselves here's a book on how to referee a football game."
"Religion studies, oh yeah! We're all gonna LARP as members of a particular chosen religion for this hour. It's like playing mum's and dad's except I'm here to explain what parts are accurate in your LARP of what the community structure of Tibetian sikh monks are like lol. We do atheism once a term too where we watch a film with Morgan Freeman in or something and chat about mental health or Camus' myth of sysiphus. Also if you're already in a religion and you don't want to do another one even as a pretend, come on the days we're studying your religion and help others live as your religion accurately, that's cool too."
"Foreign languages: for an hour we're just literally going to speak French to you, we're gonna say no English language at all whatsoever, nobody's allowed to do physical violence but if you don't start Google translating the shit I'm saying quickly you're probably gonna spend an hour being very fucking confused. You're allowed to converse with people in your class to try to figure out what they're saying, but if you understand the conversation I'm having in French with someone and successfully convince the class it's about something else you go to the top of the class. Also sometimes I'm gonna stop speaking French and just start speaking gibberish, the first person to call my
... keep reading on reddit ➡There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Bob
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
My daughter was all grown up. It was a challenging thing for me to accept. I know it's how life is supposed to work, but that doesn't make it any easier.
My hands were stuffed inside my pockets as I wandered around the foyer. Kendra used to crawl up and down these halls, fumbling around in her diapers. I used to hear her gibberish all the way up the stairs. Now she was standing in the foyer, all her possessions sealed in cardboard boxes.
Off to College. Ohio State. She was going to be a Buck-Eye just like her father.
“Did you make sure you have everything?” Miranda asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Yes, Mom,” she smiled. “Triple checked, just like you asked.”
“Parker checked the fluid levels?” I asked.
“Yes, Dad.”
We stood there in silence, all stalling tactics thoroughly exhausted. The only words left were goodbye.
Tears flooded from Miranda's eyes, a stream of black mascara steadily running down both cheeks as she wished our daughter goodluck.
I bit down hard on my cheek as I bear hugged Kendra. As she broke free from my embrace, I quickly wiped away the salty trickle from my eyes.
“Don't get so worked up guys,” Kendra said. “ I’ll be back in the summer.”
“And for Christmas?” Miranda enquired.
“And Christmas.“
“Reading break, too? “ I urged.
She flashed another pearly white smile as she opened the door, “It’s a really long drive, Dad. We’ll see.”
Kendra grabbed the last of the cardboard boxes and promised to text us once she arrived.
“I love you guys.”
Just like that, our grown up daughter was gone.
***
As far as I was concerned, no one would ever be good enough for my daughter. Plenty of people would heap praise over how exceptionally gorgeous she was. She was tall and slender - just like her father - but her most striking features were inherited from her mother: amber eyes that blazed with tenacity, soft skin and rolling cinnamon locks. Her selflessness- an endless capacity for love that seemed to beam out of her- I had no idea where she got that from, but I was damn grateful that it was a part of who she was.
As she got older, I tried my best to lay down the law. No partying. No boyfriends. I ruled with an iron fist out of fear and protection for her. I knew how teenage boys could be (and that terrified me), but I soon realized that this was a losing battle. As time went on, she retreated more and more to her phone, opting to text and giggle in her room over spending time with the family. I would find paintings and sketches
... keep reading on reddit ➡When I got home, they were still there.
My daughter was all grown up. It was a challenging thing for me to accept. I know it's how life is supposed to work, but that doesn't make it any easier.
My hands were stuffed inside my pockets as I wandered around the foyer. Kendra used to crawl up and down these halls, fumbling around in her diapers. I used to hear her gibberish all the way up the stairs. Now she was standing in the foyer, all her possessions sealed in cardboard boxes.
Off to College. Ohio State. She was going to be a Buck-Eye just like her father.
“Did you make sure you have everything?” Miranda asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Yes, Mom,” she smiled. “Triple checked, just like you asked.”
“Parker checked the fluid levels?” I asked.
“Yes, Dad.”
We stood there in silence, all stalling tactics thoroughly exhausted. The only words left were goodbye.
Tears flooded from Miranda's eyes, a stream of black mascara steadily running down both cheeks as she wished our daughter goodluck.
I bit down hard on my cheek as I bear hugged Kendra. As she broke free from my embrace, I quickly wiped away the salty trickle from my eyes.
“Don't get so worked up guys,” Kendra said. “ I’ll be back in the summer.”
“And for Christmas?” Miranda enquired.
“And Christmas.“
“Reading break, too? “ I urged.
She flashed another pearly white smile as she opened the door, “It’s a really long drive, Dad. We’ll see.”
Kendra grabbed the last of the cardboard boxes and promised to text us once she arrived.
“I love you guys.”
Just like that, our grown up daughter was gone.
***
As far as I was concerned, no one would ever be good enough for my daughter. Plenty of people would heap praise over how exceptionally gorgeous she was. She was tall and slender - just like her father - but her most striking features were inherited from her mother: amber eyes that blazed with tenacity, soft skin and rolling cinnamon locks. Her selflessness- an endless capacity for love that seemed to beam out of her- I had no idea where she got that from, but I was damn grateful that it was a part of who she was.
As she got older, I tried my best to lay down the law. No partying. No boyfriends. I ruled with an iron fist out of fear and protection for her. I knew how teenage boys could be (and that terrified me), but I soon realized that this was a losing battle. As time went on, she retreated more and more to her phone, opting to text and giggle in her room over spending time with the family. I would find paintings and sketches
... keep reading on reddit ➡