*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Have you heard about that coder who's been making fun of kids at school?

He's really been boolean them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaurususaurus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Do you remember how fun it was blowing bubbles as a kid?

He’s back in town and wants your number

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuppetNuts86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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My 7 year old came up with a dad joke: What do Zombie Cows say?

"Grains"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollyon82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like β€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said β€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truplup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Dad Joke in the time of Quarantine

Hi! Not sure if it's allowed here, but my kids and I made a fun dad joke video about being home during this pandemic. Enjoy (if it makes it through)!

https://youtu.be/NMBZ6cQYKEM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmcarlee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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An Impossible Riddle

Today my father asked me:

F: "Someone's mother.."

Me: "Oh no, please no" (In mind)

F (continues) : "... has four kids: west, south, and north. What is the name of the fourth kid? Tell me"

Me: "..." (Is he making fun of the riddle or himself)

F: "And let me tell you the answer is not EAST, haha"

Me: "..."

F: "It isn't easy eh?"

Me: "Kill me god, please just kill me. This is so painful"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razor54672
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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I’ve reached peak Dad!

Went to the outdoor ice rink yesterday with my wife and son. Ran into our friend Rosy and her kids who were just leaving. Rosy said they had fun but were cold now so had to leave. I responded β€œyea you look cold. Your cheeks are...........rosy” cue my wife’s loud groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deep_6d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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I try not to drive behind buses.

Because I know the kids in the back are making fun of me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M27fiscojr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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On zombie cravings...

My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend...

What do zombie plumbers crave? Draaaaains!!!

What do zombie pilots crave? Planes... Plaaaanes!

What do zombie conductors crave? Traaaains!

What do zombie opthalmologists crave? Fraaames!

What do zombie construction workers crave? Craaanes!

What do zombie nurses crave? Paaains!

...

What do vampires crave? Blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monza700
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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My son unintentionally dad joked my dad

So my dad (known as gramps) has taken my kids for a week for a fun summer vacation. While they were all eating at a restaurant, he texted me a conversation that took place:

Kid: "How do I know when my chocolate milk has expired?"

Gramps: "Look at the cap."

Kid: "Wow, they got this at best by!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwiikberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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Holes in the pool

When I was a kid my dad would take me to this public pool by our house. He'd carry my because the water was too deep for me but he'd always fall into these damn holes and I'd end up underwater. Sure it was kind of fun but when I got older I couldn't find any holes.

TL;DR My dad is a fucking LIAR. j/k love you dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrExpress
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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The meta dad joke

My college roommate's dad had a brilliant way of taking well-known jokes and butchering the punchlines. Could be fun when your kids are slightly older. A couple memorable examples:

  • A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender pours him a beer, and remarks that the wheel looks uncomfortable. The pirate replies, "Yar! It's steering me balls."
  • Two cannibals are having dinner. The first one says "my mother-in-law tastes awful." The other replies "then have some more potatoes."
  • How do you make a salad wrap? Just add drums!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
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Wife texted me with a question

W: What would you say if I took the kids to the park?

M: Have fun

W: ok

M: Are you taking them to the park?

W: yes

M: Have fun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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Got my 3 year old on the way home from vacation

We drove to Florida from the midwest for vacation last week. After fun in the sun all week, it was time to go home on Saturday. We had lots of movies for our 3 kids to watch including Hugo, which they had never seen.

My 3 year old doesn't like movies that aren't animated so as soon as she saw I was getting Hugo she starts up the whining: "I don't want to watch that, waa aah" and so on. So I turn around in my seat (the wife was driving) and say "We'll then, why don't Hugo to sleep."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dryhumpback
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Dad joked my trig teacher

Teacher: you're all looking at me like I'm speaking Spanish or something

Me: nah, just teaching us sine language.

(Collective groan from class)

It's funnier because I'm the weird kid learning sign language for fun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/horseholio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Road signs

Whenever we drove down a road that had a "SLOW KIDS" sign my dad would feign outrage and say "The city has no business making fun of the mentally handicapped!" or something to that effect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peeonyou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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A police officer while out on patrol

A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."

That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyesick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Old School Dads Tell Jokes Too

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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My dad on mushrooms (the food, not the hallucinogenics)

My mom chopping up mushrooms for a stir fry, while I'm sitting in the adjacent living room.

Dad walks up to Mom and says "No fungi for this fun guy!" With the exuberance of a kid on Christmas. Needless to say, I cringed fairly hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rheino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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Boss and coworkers' conversation.

My boss likes to bust one of my coworker's balls. It's all in good fun and it usually results in a witty comeback.

Boss: I'll have to pick up some diapers for the grand kid after work. Hey Kevin, do you want me to grab you some?

Kevin: Depends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ANDTHEMETSWIN
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Dadjoked my coworkers and their grandma today

I work at insurance agency owned by two brothers and their sons. The grandmother is visiting and one of the sons tells her that the toys she had previously brought for the kids to play with in the waiting room are too loud and that we need quiet toys instead. I said that there aren't any quiet toys that exist and his grandma replies with "well there's board games". I reply, "well those aren't fun, they're BORED all the time."

Audible groan from everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fmskat3r
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Redditor dad joked in /r/aww

/r/mitchstanton > That dog is amazing with kids!

/r/jeffontiv17 > Wonder how much he charges per hour.

/r/crash7800 > Looks like quite a few times, but he's just funning. Won't really knock her over.

Link to comment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mantis_Pantis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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The lever bee.

This was always one of my dad's favorites to tell us.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kentron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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I need help writing airplane puns for a message on a dating site.

So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.

Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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