Friday Night Puns

With friends like that, who needs anemones?

Go clubbin

Like the title says. We're having a large backyard style dinner on the Friday night before our wedding, it's called "Dinner, Drinks, and Dad Jokes". So...we need lots of dad jokes to tell all of our guests. If you would be so kind, hit me with some of your favorite dad jokes!

Want to know why I spend all my Friday nights at the library?

...It's lit.

He's Canadian and I'm from the Southwestern states (Arizona) and he had never had a corn tortilla street taco, so I made pork carnitas on Friday night. He loved them and then he said to me, "That was a maize balls!" Took me a minute to get it but then I rolled my eyes at him.

Had a table consisting of a mom, dad and a little boy. Dad is reading the beer list (which is all local stuff, including a Bridgeport I.P.A) and he says "oh, you have the Canadian Bridgeport, I'll have that." To which I reply "um, the Bridgeport is an american beer sir."

"No, it's an I.P., eh."

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

I’ve got the Friday Night Blights

Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital and Friday she was moved into the IVCU (Interventional Cardiac Unit). As I was leaving her for the night I said, "I'll V C-ing U tomorrow". She was too tired to acknowledge my pun, so I posted here.

Sort of an inverse dad joke scenario here. My daughters seem to have hit a re-title theme. They are staying for the weekend. It started when I walked past them to go for a pee. They nodded in agreement, that was "The walking dad". Then I came back. "Return of the living dad".

Later on Friday, when it was time for them to head for bed. As they went upstairs, that was "Left for dad". The next night it was "Left for dad 2". They said it was ok, they knew I needed my time alone .. because obviously it was time for "Night of the living dad".

I've been out dad joked.

... on Friday night and parked in a zone that allowed 24 hour parking on weekends, but only 2 hour parking during the week. While he was there, a family member slipped something into his drink and sold him to a gang that traffics in frog legs. After the amputation he was taken to a hospital. He woke up to his mother telling him him the story you just read. He was a bit froggy from the sedatives, so he said "whaaaa?".

She replied: "I to'd you, toad, you got towed because you we're de-toed by de toad.

guy: how did your friday night go?
girl: it was amazing, we were all trashed. I ended up pulling a muscle
guy: wait... you went to the beach!?
girl: what? no, why?
guy: where else are going to pull a mussel?

the guy then proceeded to laugh at his own joke. Not sure if he was a dad, if not then he is on the right path

Edit I derped on the spelling of mussel

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

Two pregnant ladies meet at the prenatal care unit. They quickly hit it off and can't wait to start hanging out. They have ladies nights on Mondays, double dates with their husbands on Wednesdays, but on Fridays they decided to learn Karate. The instructor at the dojo reluctantly accepts, against the advice of his understudy. Go figure, two weeks in, both ladies have their water break. The instructor tells his understudy,

"quick, call my Optometrist!"

The understudy responds, "What? No, I should call for an ambulance. Why would I call your Optometrist at a time like this?"

"Because my pupils are dilating!"

We're a thoroughly American family with German/Danish roots. For fun we went to a Greek culture festival as a different kind of Friday night. As soon as we're through the gate, he turns to my youngest brother and mutters:

"Everything seems so...foreign."

He was so pleased with himself that he repeated it to each one of us separately.

Last Friday my logic circuits professor gave us a pretty difficult test. Today when we came in he addressed it

Professor: The test may have been hard, but I looked through them last night and someone did get a 100% so it couldn't have been that bad

*Everyone looks around in disbelief

Professor: Yeah, I think his name was Mr. Key or something like that

... I laughed

Friday night I came home and found out my dog destroyed my mattress.

Saturday after work we went out and I bought a new one.

Sunday it was delivered. Made the bed, laid on it. She asked me how I liked it and I said I wasn't sure.

"Oh, I guess you have to sleep on it!"... I groaned.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

Wife: Do we have thyme? I want to make dinner tonight.

Me: Idk, friday nights are always pretty busy.

It was a dark and blustery Friday night. My wife and I were doubling with my sister and brother in-law at a delicious BBQ joint. Bro in-law (Jordan) asked us if we were up on the latest celebrity gossip.

Jordan - Did you hear about the actress who killed her husband?!

Us - what? No! Who?

Jordan - Ya! She stabbed him with a knife when he came home. I just can't remember who it was... What was her name?... Reese! Reese something...

Us - Wait! Witherspoon??!

Jordan - No! I just told you. With a knife!

See ya later, have a great night and if I don't see you tomorrow, have a Good Friday!

Scene: Party on Friday Night

Him- "Man, today was a sad day…"

Me- "well, tomorrow will be a Saturday"

starts slow clap

Friday is my boyfriend's birthday. My dad suggested a board game as a gift, and I decided that would be the present when I thought of this. I will be getting him the game "Life" simply because at some point during the night when we're playing it, I'll be able to slip in "I'm glad you're sharing your life with me."