Flirty Food Puns

The piranha is crazy, right?

I haven't eaten for days... Ngl You're looking kinda tasty rn 🍴

Would you be happy if your partner had a friend like this?

My partner works with this girl. They've in the last few months become very very close. Partner insists he's just made a new friend.

I've been told by our mutual friends who work with him that he is very very tactile with her, hugging her, picking her up etc... They are always giggling away together. People have actually used the words sexual tension.

When I've met him outside work before they've walked out together and he's said stuff like you'll miss me tomorrow cuz I'm not in, or stuff like "bye love you" (in a mocking ish tone).

She's single, my partner said she finished with her boyfriend over Christmas last year. Around the time they became close. She's very attractive, and very friendly.

They've hung out before, and he's planning to hang with her again... He asked her if she wanted to do anything fun and he'd plan it for her. So they're doing this activity together and getting food and drinks after... Isn't that a date?

They text each other multiple times a day when they're not in work. Nothing really flirty as such, but just generally talking about nothing? Like no reason to be in touch that much.

I think he's falling for her...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

On mobile, at 6 years of NC and counting, don’t steal my shit. (Edit for clarification: LBB is my mother.)

This “date” happened when my DH was just my Darling Fiancée. My DH is an AMAZING cook. I know, I know, I’m biased because he’s my DH. However, he is regularly told that he should open a restaurant because of his food creativity. So he really is a good cook.

Well LBB learned DH could make her favorite noodle dish so she planned a big to-do and told us what day it was and that we better be there so DH could cook for her. We don’t rock the boat yet so we agree.

Day arrives and we show up with all the prep stuff and DH had all his favorite cooking implements. My father and brother (Dear Brother - DB) were there as well. When it came time to cook the noodles for dinner, LBB kicked everyone out of the kitchen except for her and DH so he could “teach” her how to make them. Father disappeared to whatever hole he vanished to when LBB didn’t need him and my brother and I were sitting on the couch in the room adjacent to the kitchen.

As my brother and I watch, LBB’s tone gets REALLLY flirty. It goes up an octave and she starts...touching DH as he’s cooking: rubbing his arm, giggling, putting her hand on his lower back, “bumping” into him with the excuse the kitchen is too small, asking if he could feed her a taste of the sauce.

DB and I look at each other in horror. He says, “What the FUCK.”

I look at him and say, “Is she FLIRTING WITH MY FIANCÉE?! You’re seeing this too, right?”

To which DB replies, “YES! This is disgusting!!!! He doesn’t even realize it!!”

“HOW DO WE STOP THIS?!” I know LBB had always been innocuously flirty with my boyfriends in the past, but this was another level of awful.

DB: “I don’t think we can. If we try something, she’ll get violent.”

Luckily, DH just thought she was stupid, clumsy, and a very touchy person in general, so he rolled with it. Dinner was AWKWARD because everyone had to switch places so DH could be seated next to LBB at the table. My father was oblivious and checked out as always.

On the ride home I filled my DH in on what had actually happened. He was dead silent for quite awhile. I finally began apologizing profusely for not stepping in and he quickly shut me down. He said, “And what would you have done? Run in the kitchen and scream at her to stop assaulting your fiancée? She’s fucking nuts - she probably would have grabbed the hot pan and hit you with it. I just thought she was a grossly touchy pe

But Bill kept the Windows

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

Someone in a cyberpunk setting is looking for work and visits a web-based job board, meets with a man who knows people who want things done, or a potient team member has a spotty resume. What low-paid, horrible jobs could turn up (along with the plot hook?)

1. Personal Loans Compliance Officer (and Knee Breaker.) u/Duggy1138
2. Relocation Officer for Residentially Impaired. u/Duggy1138
3. Mobile Child Wellfare Provider: the homeless child crisis is getting out of hand. You take your truck to the worst areas and round up any kids that look orphaned. u/helloIamalsohere
4. Corporate Agricultural Protections Officer: a farm/crop security guard. What little livestock and produce remain now need 24/7 security detail because fresh food has become expensive and hard to come by and people are starting to steal directly from the source. u/Drew2609
5. Repo-man for Cybernetic Implants. u/Duggy1138
6. Medical Supplies Smuggler (the original meaning of Bladerunner) u/Duggy1138
7. Neuro-Implant Tester. u/Duggy1138
8. "Voluntary" "high" grade military weapons testers/test subjects: someone's gotta make sure these new laser rifles wont blow up in a giant, maybe-maybe-not radioactive fire ball. u/RobinTheWizard
9. Cyberware Weapon Testing: imagine how many malfunctions happen during it. Like maybe one got someone a stroke due to a human error. u/MPRobotGirl01
10. VR Pain Tester: Someone has to make sure that the real-life feedback is calibrated correctly. u/Devilrodent
11. Biologicals Test Subject: laws have made experimenting on animals illegal, as they cannot consent. Humans, on the other hand, can. u/Coalesced
12. Subliminal Message Test Subject: You spent some time being subliminally tested on. They told you what food to eat, which clothes to wear how to act and think and feel. But you're done with all that now and all the mental programing has been undone. Probably. u/SamFeesherMang
13. Stress Tester - corps need to know how far the human mind can be pushed before it stops being useful. Get paid to be a test subject so we know when to give our employees a break. u/helloIamalsohere
14. Sextoy Tester: Unsurprisingly, sometimes this job is fun. Surprisingly, sometimes this job is dangerous. Most surprisingly is how often it's both. u/SamFeesherMang
15. Biological Material Artisan: employees genetically modified and paid to live a very specific lifestyle so that corporate can routinely harvest useful tissue o

And then you will all be sorry.

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

I will find you. You have my Word.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

“thank you for your cervix.”

i just feel the need to vent this story into the void because this has possibly been one of the weirdest interactions i've had in the 24 trips around the sun i've survived for. sorry if it's long, i just tend to ramble a lot. this started about two weeks ago and it finally came to a head yesterday.

to preface, i work in a hospital as a nurse during the afternoon / night shifts. i also happen to drink a lot of coffee, so i tend to go to the one place open late enough when i'm able to take a break - a Subway that is in hospital grounds. on a lazy saturday night, going for my daily caffeine intake, i see a new worker around the restaurant - dude was heavily overweight, shaved bald with a patchy beard and just.. kinda lazy with his appearance, really. never the one to judge, as i also sometimes look like i've crawled from the depths of hell with a vengance, but i reserve that mostly for when i'm in the comfort of my home, not really out in the public eye. didn't even speak or pay much attention to the guy, just got my shit and sat down with my coffee to the bench by the restaurant. surprisingly, guy came out about 5 minutes after, food in hand and sat next to the bench beside me. all was quiet, until he pointed out the lanyard i had sticking out of my pocket (it's from Assasination Classroom). i never have much the chance to talk to people about anime, so i jump to the opportunity when i can, plus the dude didn't really look harmless at first. we talked anout old achool anime for a while, plus some other random life things. he told me he was studying to be a nurse, and the conversation steers a bit. a red flag popped in my head when we discussed what sort of field he was going for after he finishes. he answered that he wanted to get into Labor and Delivery which is.. sorta fine? not a lot of male nurses even manage to get into that field for many reasons, it will forever be a female-heavy field, but when i stared asking why, the answers just seemed kid of off to me. like, there was some sexual inuendo to his reasons?? it's like a male pre-med student wanting to go to gynecology just to stare at pussy all day, which just gives off the creepiest vibe unimaginable. the first thought that came to mind was that i hoped he would never get a nursing job a day in his life and any next life. i checked out mentally and made me never want to strike up conversation with this guy again.

once i got up to leave, he tried to ask for my number to keep talking about anime, bu

Made me smile

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

But now I stand corrected.

To talk about this topic is extremely uncomfortable for me and that’s why I made a throwaway.

So I m16 hooked up with my neighbor and she is in her 30s. My parents are barely at home because of work, I’m too old for a babysitter but someone’s gotta watch out for me and that someone is my neighbor. Everyday she checks up upon me if everything is alright. I have online class so I’m everyday at home. Anyways my mom asked our neighbor if she can stay with me for a week because she was worried about me and she agreed and stayed here, I didn’t liked the idea because I wanted to be alone but I couldn’t say no. I thought it would get lame but it was the opposite, I got finally some normal food because I have to order me food everyday, we watched movies together and she even gave me some alcohol (was my first time).

These were the first day she slept here but in the last days she got a bit flirty and I flirted back because she is very attractive (btw I’m 16 but I’m already 6,0 and look much older for my age), well and one day things got very flirty and we end up having sex. It wasn’t my first time but it was my first time experience such a rough sex, it almost hurt. We did it almost the whole day. Well two days past and now I’m feeling weird.

I don’t know what this feeling is, I never felt like this and it’s really uncomfortable and it gets worse when I think about her. And I have a guilty feeling because I’m talking right now to a girl, she had a crush on me and I had a crush on her too but we are not a couple yet. Idk everything is just so confusing and I don’t know what to do. My mom told me that she is gonna stay next week again here and I’m kinda happy but also having a weird feeling. I really need some advice here, I have so many questions, it feels like my head is gonna explode.

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

Theoretical Fizz-ics

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

I said, “That makes two of us.”

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.