What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rumblebully
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother?

Sudden Lee

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Von_Bostaph
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far nobody has given me a straight answer

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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Pulled a Dad Joke on a Nurse

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei_920
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...

..... Will get a reward.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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I'd ruther not say
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Rational
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mainhoonmadrasi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Why are elevator jokes so good

Because they work on many levels

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zayan-ali
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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[PART ONE: THE SEDUCTIVE CHARACTER] <<<<<<<< THE IDEAL LOVER>>>>>>>>> "THE ART OF SEDUCTION: An Indispensible Primer on the Ultimate Form of Power " by Robert Greene

Index

<<<<<<PREVIOUS: The Rake

THE IDEAL LOVER

THE ROMANTIC IDEAL

  • One day, around 1760 at the opera, a young woman was with her husband. She met a met who kissed her hand in a very romantic way, he was Giovanni Casanova. He asked her to go to the ball the next evening and that night, she couldn't stop thinking about him, she couldn't wait.
  • The next day she saw him and she invited him to dinner at his big and eccentric home. When his husband has retired for the evening, she showed him around. She pointed to a wing of the house, there was a chapel. She wished he could read her mind and her bold thoughts. And he did.
  • Casanova would wait inside the chapel's tiny confessional for her all day with some books, candles, and food. Now, she had something to live for. Some day she had to take a journey with her husband and when she came back, Casanova had vanished.
  • Years later, Miss Pauline saw an ad in a local newspaper where a man was looking for a lady lodger to rent a room in his house. She was a lady, she came from Portugal to London waiting for her lover, but his arrival was delayed and she couldn't return to Portugal, so she accepted because it was affordable and he just asked for company. This man was Casanova.

Giovanni Giacomo Casanova

  • Casanova was a true gentleman, educated and generous. They played chess, talk about literature and ride horses. One day, he told her he was madly in love with her. She told him it couldn't be possible and that he has to ride a horse to snap out of it or something, and that's what he did. Unfortunately, hours later she was notified that Casanova fell and was injured. She was inconsolable and felt guilty. This was the perfect opportunity for her to surrender, that night they became lovers. It came time for Miss Pauline to leave London, and Casanova didn't stop her. He said each of them had offered the other the perfect, temporary antidote to their loneliness, and that they would be friends for life.
  • Time later, in Spain, he met Ignazia. He invited her to go to a ball, but she didn't want to accept so he asked Ignazia's mother to be the chaperone. At th
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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Argon enters a bar, the bartender says β€œWe don’t serve noble gases here.”

Argon does not react.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dick_Squeakly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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If Apple made a car what would it be missing?

Windows

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moplex1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Interviewer : why should we hire you as a waiter?

Me : For starters, I bring a lot to the table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Motor_Fox_9541
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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My 3 yr old daughter made her first pun today and I almost cried. She was eating an apple and I asked her if she liked apples.

She said apple-lutely

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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He needs grounded
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AthanasiaStygian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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"ground" the kid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakynit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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MMM, burgers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkxviii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tieyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Well there goes his reproductive fitness...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annnnnnnnie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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Proud dad moment.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaBarbaGuapa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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Apologies if it's a bit corn-y
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediashiznaks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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so many choices
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorNebula
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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Gottemm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the... Bottom...

(as told by my 5yo son, I'm so proud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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What pan is the best to make sushi in?

Japan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Most-Stomach4240
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Well that didn't cross my mind
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonPetreasCoach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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24 [M4F] Anywhere/Online Charmer opening up applications for adoring pen pals ! Would love someone to engage with intellectually and emotionally too.

There's something pure about an online friendship - completely uninhibited from real life and expectations. Rush of freedom that accompanies anonymity. The joy of sharing thoughts unhindered by real life images. The gleeful nerves that accompany the wait for a reply to a flirty text. Oh, so beautiful.

That's what I'm looking to recreate here. A sweet romance replete with friendship. I’m looking to recreate all the sweet things we feel when a new romance begins.

Something gleeful. Something beautiful. Something pure.

I'm looking for someone interesting who is willing to sustain a long term correspondance that is built on a strong friendship, but has no shortage of romantic and flirty moments. I'd love

What can I offer ? A good friend, a charming camaraderie, fantastic intellectual discussions, emotional bonding, eclectic musical tastes and interesting chess games.

I do love myself a healthy dosage of romance. I'm more than willing to enter into regular discussions, coy vocal talks and recreating all the magic of a cute romance.

The rest is a mystery. I have a wide range of interests and hobbies, which I’ll leave for us to find later. I'm excited to see who’s eye this post catches!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElegantSeducer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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He knows too much
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Potato_salad123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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My son accidentally handed me a dad joke on a platter and it was glorious.

This happened a few years ago when my son was 6ish. When my kids hurt themselves and it doesn’t look serious I always do the β€œwe might have to amputate that bruised hand” shtick with them. I’ve done it enough that they now roll their eyes.

So, my son got hit lightly in the face with a rubber ball. It wasn’t a hard hit and I could tell he was more upset by the shock of it rather than the pain. So I say β€œlooks like we will have to amputate your nose.” To which he replies β€œthen how will I smell?” And I say β€œterrible!”

It was my greatest dad joke ever. I felt like I could retire after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perryt2007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..

it's Hans free now..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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where do pirates get their hooks?

second hand stores!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigus-_-dickus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Charjar Binks
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCloud-YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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My 6 year old wanted me to share his joke with you all. What is a horses favorite store?

Old Neeeeiiiiighvy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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3.14159265387279 snek
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
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I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Rock bottom
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theo19555
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear!

I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!

Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasn’t expecting this!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/motherduck5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Well Rounded Pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpivLife
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...

He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeaze
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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I never really understood why it was spelled: camouflage

and not:

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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This sub
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Bend5385
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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I threw up in the toilet
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Which one is it?
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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