Flirting Fishing Puns

I've made a few mistaken advances since (re)entering the dating scene.

"With me it's never a gamble..."

Dude had game and tremendous moxie.

Just for a fun exploration as well as to create a safe space for acceptance, I would like to enumerate all of the trivial and absurd things people have said men cannot do because it wasn't "manly" or "masculine" in an attempt to expose and reverse the damaging statements. Let's free ourselves of this stupidity together.

Share any you have experienced and I will add it to the list below! As people have repeated answers, I've put the tally of the total responses.

1. Crying x9
2. Fruity alcoholic drinks x8 (esp in martini cocktail glass)
3. Not liking sports x6
4. Wearing nail polish x5
5. Being vegetarian/vegan x6
6. Sitting down to pee x5
7. Sitting with your legs crossed x5
8. liking cats X5
9. Being a feminist x4
10. Cooking x 4
11. Having long hair X5
12. Washing your hands after you pee x3
13. Having plants x3
14. Drinking alcohol other than beer x3 -ironically beer was invented and sold by women first
15. Expressing your emotions x3
16. using lotion x3
17. Liking wine x3
18. Not liking alcohol(being sober) x3
19. Wanting a relationship x4
20. Dancing x2
21. Having epilepsy x2
22. Baking x3
23. Being bisexual x3
24. Enjoying cartoons with female characters X2
25. Doing cardio x2
26. Liking flowers x2
27. Wearing pink x2
28. Fancy chocolate x2
29. Not being excited about hunting/fishing x2
30. Calling out other men when they catcall women x2
31. Not wanting to participate in violence x2
32. Liking board games x2
33. Listening to pop music x2
34. Being indecisive x2
35. Not being competitive x2
36. Being a passenger in a car with SO x2
37. Skincare/haircare x2
38. Doing theatre or acting in general x2
39. liking romance novels/movies/anime x2
40. hugging male friends x2
41. not wanting sex all the time x3
42. being autistic x2
43. Being close friends with women x4
44. Wearing floral prints x2
45. Having a female role modelx2
46. Wearing colors that are not blue, grey or black, Pastel colours
47. Wearing jewelry
48. Wearing makeup
49. Wearing heels
50. Wearing certain types of fabric
51. Holding your children's hands
52. Skipping
53. Smiling at people
54. Drinking Frappucinos at Starbucks
55. Eating a salad
56. Having accessories in colors other than blue, grey or black
57. Enjoying cudling

repost from /r/TIFU, original post by /u/CheerfulChaosPancake

 

 

I’m couch-surfing with my sister and her BF; I work for him at the lake-side bar, trying to pay for college. My state is “open” and while I’m not thrilled, I need both the job and my scored sofa accommodations to make it work. To give them their space, and myself a break from the doomscrolling, I take a run by the lake in the mornings. This lake is bombass and draws scuba divers to the flooded town at the bottom.

Today, I was in my own head running when a dark mass floated to the surface 40 feet away. I was on the craggy side of the lake and this dude looked dead. D.E.A.D. Facing away from me, his head was tipped back, eyes closed, bobbing like a fishing lure. No one else was around, so I thought he was quantum crazy out here scuba diving alone at the crackass of dawn, giving himself the bends or some nonsense.

Like a jackass, I didn’t yell at him to check-in. Instead, I toed off my shoes and stripped to my skivvies to save the imbecile. The movie trailer in my head had me taking three glorious steps and launching into the deep blue water, black widow style. Instead, my tender feet hit the sharp rocks and I contorted under the pain like a slinky as I uncoordinatedly pitched myself into the water, doing a side-flop. I was also wearing my contacts so I swam hard in his direction with my eyes closed.

When I open them, he was dead-ass staring at me like I’d lost my ever-lovin’ mind, so I blurted, “Are you okay?”

He removed the regulator and incredulously said “yes”.

My brain blue-screened while I tread water. The lake felt infinitely deep. Before I could terrify myself by hearing the jaws theme song, I turned to nope the hell out of there, yelling over my shoulder, “I thought you needed saving” to explain my idiocy.

As I pivoted, another dude cleared his throat from 30 feet away on the other side. I never heard a sound from him so I freaked out, failing and belting an ear wounding scream at him.

Both asshats laughed as a few more heads surfaced around us. I was surrounded by divers all wildly entertained by my ridiculous high-octane FU. After pointing to me and the beach, the merman that was my original target cautiously swam toward me after I nodded and “escorted” me to the shore.

The beach was much further than I had anticipated, so I was trying to low-key breath, hi

I've just had 2 days off. Things have been tough recently. I've (38HLM) been experiencing panic attacks for the 1st time - they're scary - and working 6 days a week.

Had these last 2 days off.

Let my wife know I'm trying not to watch porn anymore and seeing positive results. She said she wasn't bothered. I said I thought she should be. I've been experiencing performance issues in person - never with porn. That's a bad sign (I think).

Told her that. Told her porn has an addictive neurological result and that not watching was seeing me get horny more frequently and be more interested in her. Showed proof that I was ready to rumble.

Made a concerted effort around the house over the weekend. Spent time talking to her, being close to her, took the kids off her hands, looked after a couple cleaning tasks I know she doesn't like and cooked a couple of meals.

Now that weekend is gone. Not a moment's thought from her. Not even a comment about me being more interested or battling an addiction to have more energy for her.

I only started watching porn because 5 years ago I was so angry about being the only one initiating that I figured I'd solve the problem myself.

Grrrrr. Why does this have to be so difficult? I don't want to break up my family. I've spent my whole life being told how many problems broken families cause.

Went to a massage today with a happy ending and I couldn't 'finish' because I was stressed about cheating. I suspect I'm just going to keep going back until that's no longer an issue. Honestly, outsourcing intimacy seems like a pretty viable option.

We kinda flirted with each other for a few weeks before but then i asked her out and she said yes, and now she refers to me as her boyfriend LETS FUCKING GOO.

(except we just went into a stay at home order so we probably can’t see each other for a little bit)

Edit: Thanks for the nice wishes everyone

Edit 2: This got a lot more attention than i thought it would, and some people are asking how i did it so imma try to explain but don’t expect me to do a good job.

1. Just start talking to his/her and their friends and work your way into the friend group from there you will be able to talk to them without it being uninvited or uncomfortable.
2. Get their number or snap or whatever they prefer and just make a point of talking to them at least once a day.
3. Crack jokes and make some flirty comments to test the waters, and if they aren’t open to it then find someone else and go back to step one
4. Once you feel like it’s a good time just make an attempt at asking them out. If you get rejected it’s ok, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea. Bonus tip: don’t change yourself to fit their idea, find someone who likes you for you.

In case you are still doubting to hop on the spaghetti trenbolognese, i invite you to roll one or grab a drink, sit down and read this.

For the TLDR , No backstory about my time/cycle in prison and my previous cycles, skip to the fat marked TREN part.

Also disclaimer i paid for all my crimes trough court of law and justice. And i don't have an issue with leaving my identity here in the form of pictures of my transformation and my ex gf, as to give a clue of the former driving force behind me. IG is at the bottom

So I have been reading a lot of these stories about cycles and tren in particular, seeing Derek react to them. Maybe mine will make it on there too sometime, could be it's not entertaining enough. But i feel like it it's a good read, and i have the need to send it into the world, as it did leave a heavy impact on my life. But i paid the price and managed to pick up the pieces, is why i feel comfortable talking about it now, i see clear again, positive.

This would be another topic, but i was diagnosed with severe adhd and was put on ritaline at the age of 7/8. But i Stopped taking the meds as they gave me strange episodes. And at 12/13 and switched to marihuana daily. Bad life choice when you realize on top i was born too early. Small heart defects and assisted breathing at birth, little glass box baby. But i grew up healthy, no issues. Lucky me!

I used to be quite undisciplined when things didn't interest me, i wanted to do sports now that i think back, i dropped out of cooking school and couldn't hold a job, kicked out by my parents at 18 for being a little terrorist and smoking up the house, but damn was i motivated when it came down to girls xD. Even though i was bullied for my unique looks and "psycho" eye colour, i always had the urge to have a girlfriend, mind was always focused on sex, very frustrated and hyperactive. Most encounters with girls though... Can't say there was one among them that didn't cheat on their boyfriend with me, or didn't cheat on me. I seemed to always have disloyal women in my life. First girl ever, gave me oral, went back inside to the party, and kissed her boyfriend on the mouth, i was 15 i think xD

Eventually my traits and life perks didn't get me very far, i ended up in debt, 1000 here, 1k there, no job, no girlfriend. My stoner ways and a breakup with a girl led me to live a solitary life with my stoner buddies.

And practically from 19yrs old, till 24 yrs old, i lived in self chosen poverty, deb

So I got several posts to make this weekend. (since I'm posting this one at 7:30 on Sunday, I'm putting the odds as pretty long on me finishing but we'll seee.)

First is this one where I'm going to piece together some things that make me believe the DA is coming in the near future and I what I'm going to do about it. (SPOILER: BA's right, don't fucking buy short dated shit). As with all things I write, its laced with thc, alcohol, and hopium and you should basically ignore it but for its entertainment value. (brought to you by "Old Chub" Scotch Ale by Oscar Blues. 10/10 but not a session beer).

Second is a moderately smart thing about why PSTH is spac evolution a step ahead of its time. This is also quickly evolving into a tasteful chance to shit-talk r/spacs.

Third is resolving a bet with u/Ey_Yo_Gurl. This will be an unnecessarily intricate DD into the 'I' word we've all been thinking about recently.

***

I fuck a lot of things up but I want to take a moment to brush off my shoulders on this whole LOI thing.

I made this post

https://www.reddit.com/r/PSTH/comments/mhmgg2/s1_on_lois/

late in march. Guess I didn't realize the spam filter got it but I've been pretty convinced for awhile that PSTH had a Letter of Intent in hand and were working through the due diligence pursuant to the Definitive Agreement. Anyway, I've been saying this shit for awhile so I'm saying my fucking told-you-so.

Bill Ackman has said openly that PSTH will not report anything about their negotiations until they have a Definitive Agreement. But that doesn't mean they skip the Letter of Intent step. The S-1 makes 17 references to "Letter of Intent" when you ctrl+f the phrase.

Most of them are the same clause repeated about "blah blah blah if we run out of time, we get 6 extra months if we have a DA or a Letter of Intent" (not and, not and/or....and before you start commenting about splitting hairs, that shit makes a difference legally even if its subtle).

Aside from that is the 11th reference. It is a qualification for the terms regarding expenditures impact on the bag of money should it take a long time. It clarifies:

>We believe that amounts not held in trust will be sufficient to pay the costs and expenses to which such proceeds are allocated. ***This belief is based on the fact that while we may begin preliminary due

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

Capital of Ireland

It's Dublin everyday

http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz

But Bill kept the Windows

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

You officially hit rock bottom

And then you will all be sorry.

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

Because he wanted space

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I will find you. You have my Word.

First of all I would like to apologise for this post, I’m sure you get hundreds of posts exactly like this one but I’m just looking for some advice.

My girlfriend of 3 years has been acting strange around me recently. She has lived at my parents house for the past year and we are constantly with each other. She has been complaining that we never do anything together and that we don’t spend a lot of time together. I work 9-5 and she works 6am-10pm so we never really have time together.

The last few weeks she has been very distant, going out with her friend, being very blunt over text and avoiding me.

My parents have picked up on this and have said that she is even being distant with them and they have been asking me if everything is ok. She has not been at work today and has been at her mums all day and came home, went to get changed and then went straight back out and didn’t return until 11pm

When she came home it has been on my mind that something isn’t right so I checked her phone when she fell asleep and have seen that she has been messaging a 30 year old man on Instagram through her car page for the past few weeks. Some of the messages were sent at 5:30am as soon as she wakes up for work.

After reading through all of their messages if appears she has not been flirting back but has Been sending selfie’s to him like she is fishing for compliments. It also sounds like they have met up a couple of times. She has mentioned me and our problems to this man so she has not hid that she has a boyfriend and has not been flirting back but has been fishing for compliments

I’m in a really tough position as she is living at my house and has no idea that I am aware of her messaging this man.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. My head is a mess at the minute. Apologies for any typos or parts that don’t make sense, it’s 3:3am and I haven’t been to sleep

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

She said how do you know he was headed to work?