[OC] FjΓΆrgyn, the firbolg Cleric! A recent commission
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︎ Feb 20 2020
[Art][OC] FjΓΆrgyn, the firbolg Cleric! A recent commission
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︎ Feb 20 2020
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito.
My 11 year old daughter told me this one this evening lol.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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︎ May 01 2020
An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there
"For excessive drinking" the officer replies
So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"
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︎ Feb 23 2021
If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely proud of this one, and nobody in the chat found it funny =(
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
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︎ Mar 05 2020
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
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︎ Apr 03 2020
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
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︎ Feb 27 2020
What has 4 wheels and flies?
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︎ Dec 04 2019
What do you call a person with no body and no nose??
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︎ Apr 04 2020
Every day at breakfast, I announce that Iβm going for a jog, and then I donβt.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
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︎ Dec 17 2019
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Dec 01 2019
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
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︎ Dec 16 2019
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
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︎ Aug 02 2019
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︎ Dec 23 2020
A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
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︎ Dec 09 2019
Did you hear about Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend breaking into an animal shelter and releasing a bunch of huskies into the wild??
Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Itβs got a wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels and a wooden gas tank. Did he ride it? No, wooden start
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︎ Feb 05 2020
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ Jan 26 2020
What's the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle and a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle?
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︎ Dec 02 2019
Dad jokes are the best and here's why
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︎ Jul 27 2019
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
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︎ Jul 29 2019
From my 8yo son: How are dogs and dogwoods alike?
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Coughy filter (source: PunHub)
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︎ Mar 06 2020
My wife asked me "what starts with f and ends with k"
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︎ Apr 27 2019
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Aug 22 2019
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
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︎ Sep 22 2019
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.
W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!
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︎ Mar 07 2020
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas
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︎ Mar 27 2019
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
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︎ Oct 16 2019
Whatβs the difference between a guy with formal wear on a bicycle and a guy with casual wear on a unicycle?
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︎ Jul 26 2019
I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing
for the wurst.
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︎ Oct 08 2019
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
Heβs now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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︎ Jun 04 2019
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
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︎ May 07 2019
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
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︎ Jul 14 2019
And there we have it
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︎ Nov 16 2019
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke.
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
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︎ Mar 25 2020
Bees and stuff
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︎ Aug 28 2019
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
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︎ Mar 18 2019
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.
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︎ Feb 25 2019
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnβt get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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︎ Apr 28 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
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︎ Feb 06 2019
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said βson, what is A for?β
βApple!β
βThatβs right! What is B for?β
βBanana!β
Thatβs right! What is C for?β
βExplosive!β
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︎ Feb 15 2019
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
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︎ Oct 31 2019
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