What did the professor say when his students wanted to hunt male deer before the first day of class?

"Don't get the hart before the course!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChargingTiger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Kansas students get 'first hand job experience' boingboing.net/2017/10/31โ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FraudMallu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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Just realized I dad joked the foreign exchange student the first day of track practice.

*walking down the line asking everyone their name.

And whats you name?

"Lauda"

WHATS YOUR NAME?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GoodLuckLetsFuck
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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First year law student

"I'm gonna go learn how to sue people"

"Sue her, sue her, sue her, get your mind outta the gutter."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pike1944
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. โ€œYou have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.โ€

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, โ€œFor my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.โ€ Poof! The jewels appear.

โ€œFor my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.โ€ Poof! The karma appears.

The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. โ€œI can give you anything in the world,โ€ he says again.

The teacher thinks for a long time. โ€œAs a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote โ€˜lambโ€™ instead of โ€˜lamp.โ€™ Please correct my mistake.โ€

The genie moaned in anguish. โ€œThis is Reddit,โ€ he shouted. Once you post it, you canโ€™t edit the title.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ the teacher smiled, โ€œIt looks like Iโ€™ve got myself a genie for eternity.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FancyAlligator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2022
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:ย  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.ย ย  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!ย  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.ย ย  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.ย ย ย  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!ย ย  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.ย ย  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.ย  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.ย ย  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.ย ย ย  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,ย  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.ย ย ย  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.ย ย ย  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!ย ย  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!ย ย  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.ย  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"ย  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/terjulmar
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: โ€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isnโ€™t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with oneโ€

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: โ€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in itโ€™s ass and hold it in there for a momentโ€

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: โ€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I doโ€

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, โ€œnow see itโ€™s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my classโ€.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wonkagloop
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I dadjoked my students today, pretty proud of it actually.

I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester.

One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use.

St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs...

Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh?

A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful!

Edit: spelling

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sal6a
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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I teach high school English and this is my go to:

Student: โ€œHey can you check this to see if itโ€™s right?โ€

Student hands me their writing.

Me, holding their paper upside down: โ€œwell, first of all, itโ€™s written upside down.โ€

And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ForrestGumpsShoes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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First day of class, professor joke

First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an "exercise."

He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us.

(If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said.)

We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage.

The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bigguy1027
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/U2BURR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Looking for Shark Name puns

Creating a superhero for a project in english and we came up with the Loan Shark, just need names for what he goes by when he isn't fighting student debt. We thought Finn for his first name, but can't come up with anything else.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/r_slash_squid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2016
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Timbuktu

There was a poetry slam competition final between a university scholar and a country person.

Both had one minute to think of a poem that had to have timbuktu in it

The university student goes first and says:

slowly across the desert sand

trekking a lonely caravan

men on camels two by two

destination Timbuktu

and the crowd went wild. then it was the country mans turn to go

he said:

Tim and I hunting we went

met three girls in a pop up tent

they were three and we were two

so i bucked one and timbuktu

Who won?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flynnstar01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Timbuktu

This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."

They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.โ€

The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:

โ€œTim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/qbedo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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During my class today

Instructor: "Everyone can access their student website right? There's a huge file thats hard to pass through the website"

Me: "Have you tried using a laxative?"

Here's my first shitpost.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iAmReallyJoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Shoe Factory

I had just gotten out of college and I donโ€™t live in nice of an area. I really needed money to be able to pay off my student loans for when I was going to have to apply for them.

  My Uncle recommended a shoe factory since it was nearby and the pay was pretty good for what I was doing. After the first year there I had to quit, my body and mind just couldnโ€™t handle it. It was destroying my sole.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lemolo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โ€œDo you want a liftโ€. โ€œNo thanksโ€, they replied, โ€œWeโ€™re Walkersโ€.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โ€œthatโ€™s maderia cakeโ€.


Bought some cream, it said โ€œstore in a cool placeโ€. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says โ€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ€. The doctor says โ€œIโ€™m afraid you are a trifle deafโ€.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisiteโ€ฆ โ€“what a pity it isnโ€™t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโ€™s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโ€™s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโ€™s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโ€™s death? BEN and JERRY.


Donโ€™t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโ€™t be able to budge.


You know youโ€™re a mom ifโ€ฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โ€œOLE!โ€


FORGET LOVEโ€ฆ Iโ€™

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2017
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Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canโ€™t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itโ€™s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoโ€™s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A โ€˜gramโ€™ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a โ€œcarbonkneelโ€


What did one titration tell the other? Letโ€™s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itโ€™s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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An unbridled masterpiece of a horse pun to one of my students this morning. It's a long setup, but dads will appreciate it. This one really happened as written.

So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.

It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: Sรญ, Seรฑor.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wuapinmon
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2018
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My son needs your help

He is running for student council. He can make two posters.

My idea. First one, don't pick your nose, pick Derek

Second. There are three kinds of people, those that can count and those that run for student council.

He is 12

Thank you for your help!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fundhero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics โ€“ the only department of linguistics where itโ€™s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kieuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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I teach the child of a classic dad-joker.

A student I teach came up to me yesterday and told me her dad always says a certain joke at home.

Me: Oh yeah? How does it go?

Her: First you have to tell me your hungry.

Me: Sorry. I'm not Hungry. I'm Mr. Ridicuhsweet. But it's nice to meet you!

Glad I could extend her dad's humour to the classroom.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ridicuhsweet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Techie Joke

Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.

Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.

We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.

I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AceofToons
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Teacher dadjoked an athlete

The girl plays softball and had recently jad a game so he was talking to her about it:

Teacher: So what position do you play?

Student: I play first and second base and right field.

Teacher: Wow you must be really fast to play all of those positions in a game

Confusion and groans ring out among the students surrounding her and they proceed to stare at me as I chuckle in my seat.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kiefgarrett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2014
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I don't know, CAN you?

I just texted my dad, "can i call you when i get out of work?" (Nothing serious) I'm at work right now and the way we file prospect students in the admissions office i work at is by the last three letters of their last name and the first letter of their first name. Before my dad could answer in dad-ways, i read the next file and it said "KAN U". I rolled my eyes when i heard my dad say "I don't know, can you?" In my mind.

The message had already been sent and dad's were uniting.

You guessed it, he replied in exactly that manner.

If you don't understand English grammar, which most people don't, I should have said "may I?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/apfeldaisies
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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My Maths teacher's bicycle jokes.

My maths teacher was demonstrating a 'How to calculate the speed of something when the distance is x and the time is y' type question which involved a bike. It is the first lesson after break-time on Monday morning, so most of us (the students) were dozing off. The maths teacher notices this and begins the 'jokes..'

"I know you're all tired, but you just had brake and I have spoke to you all about not being lethargic in class.

Cue awkward laughter

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/N00dles98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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I work with special needs at a high school and I got 2 dad jokes in yesterday during a field trip!

First One A boy was getting off the bus and wanted to show me his Lego toy Yoda. He hands it to me and I looked at it really closely for a second Me: huh that's wierd. The student and bus driver are looking at me confused. Bus driver: why? Me: I've just never seen that model of car before. The bus driver then rolled her eyes and after some explaining the student had some good laughs.

2nd dad joke of the day. We were on a community outing and we were eating lunch at a park. Around the park there are some roosters waking around. We were all watching this one in particular across the street who was using the cross walk to come to our side. Me: wait a minute..... why did the chicken do that? None of the students got it but my coworkers rolled their eyes haha

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mastrxploder
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2014
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