When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
It took me 20 minutes to find the mollusk in my fish tank
It was very well clamoflaged
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
*Can't find where I parked my van* Me : Damn. Where did my
π︎ 36
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 26 2020
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!β A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
A tourist at The seaside came to me and asked where he could find whales.
I told him that it's located a bit West from England.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults...
Good man, terrible geologist...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
My wife just told me, βI canβt find my datebook. Iβve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?β
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
π︎ 868
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
People only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me ugly and poor
π︎ 30
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
My favorite toilet paper was discontinued. Nobody prepared me for how much of a pain in the ass it is to find a new favorite.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 25 2020
Iβve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them iβm growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, itβs right here next to the sage.
π︎ 282
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
Me: Know what Thanos says when he finds a rotten fruit in his garden? My kids: Ugh.
π︎ 104
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︎ Jun 18 2019
I wanted to go as a streetperformer for Halloween. It took me absolutely forever to find a mime shirt...
But the pantomimes were pretty easy to pick up!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
Me: Mom where do I find the rice in the store?
Mom: (points) you find it rice there.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
Coins find me completely insufferable
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 05 2019
It took me forever to find out what βIDKβ means
Every time I asked someone they would say βI donβt knowβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
When I broke up with my ex she told me that I would never find anyone like her. I told her,
βThatβs the point.β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
I came home from a long day of work to find a surprise my girlfriend left me!
imgur.com/a/9nOTA
π︎ 471
π
︎ Jun 08 2017
I was confused and lost at college, not knowing which building my classes were in. An Asian woman helped me find my way tho...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 20 2019
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldnβt find it....
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
Iβve been trying to find an herbal remedy to keep me from feeling rushed...
...turns out I just need more Thyme.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 08 2019
Son: Math sucks so much. My teacher wants me to find the square root of I Donβt Give a Crap.
Dad: Easy! Next time, just tell your teacher I Donβt Give Two Shits.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter comes up to me and asks: "How did I find the steak?"
I told him I looked underneath the parsley.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
Is it just me? I find magnets very attractive
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 31 2019
Hey fellow dads need some help: If someone finds me hot
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 11 2019
You'd never find me wearing a chameleon costume.
π︎ 107
π
︎ Aug 03 2018
If your lost you can look and you will find me...
π︎ 137
π
︎ Apr 23 2017
My son woke up to find his guinea pig dead. He found me right away and said...
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 20 2019
I asked my friend if she could find some quotes about happiness for me
she said she was positive she could find some
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
My wife is going to be mad at me when she finds out I accidentally mislabeled all of her spices in her spice rack.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 22 2019
My dad always told me, βFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
My Dad always told me "Don't be quick to find faults."
He was a good man, but a terrible geologist
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 13 2020
My dad told me βDonβt be quick to find faultsβ
Great man, terrible geologist
π︎ 74
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
π︎ 978
π
︎ Nov 14 2018
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...
Good man, terrible geologist...
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Sep 11 2017
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo, and try to convince her to marry me.
They know how to make a bad decision, and then stick to it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her...
She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
My dad always told me "don't be quick to find faults."
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
People often say to me after rearranging my garden in alphabetical order, how did I find the time.
I said it is there next to the sage.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 10 2019
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 27 2018
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