6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/717to321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are there in a year.

12 second

Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.

Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsanandhere
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
At what time of the year do women speak the least?

February. It has the least days.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dvtien95
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He took a few days off in February thinking nobody would notice.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReadilyReady
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.

He’ll be born in February.

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Hey there Timmy do you know which month has 27 days?

Timmy: That's easy dad! February!!!

Dad: Haha! Wrong! THEY ALL DO!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Xtabi-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenevi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Ideas for months of the year puns?

Hi, could someone help me out with puns for the months of the year? January was Jan-new-ary, February was Feb-boo-ary, etc.

Just April would be great and if possible, the rest of the year

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My uber driver's first job is a dad

Driver: "So Resetspls, if I ask you how many seconds are in a year, with out your phone or any calculator, could you tell me

"Honestly no."

Driver: "12"

"Uhhhh...."

Driver: "Can I do the math"

"Of course, please"

Driver: " January 2nd, February 2nd...."

πŸ‘︎ 442
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ResetsPls
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I have a whole book of 365 jokes, one for each day of the year. Here are some of the ones I dont cringe at:
  1.    Why do prisoners hate computers?
    

The escape key never works.

  1.   How do trees get on the internet? 
    

They log in.

  1.  Knock knock.
    

Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game

  1. How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.

  2. Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.

  3. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

  4. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

  5. Can February March? No but April may.

  6. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.

[Insert minion meme]

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YepBackAtIt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally found a date for Valentine’s Day

February 14

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneralCoolr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Month puns

Help, I need a name pun for February. December was Decemburr, Jan-NEW-ary, etc...thanks in advance

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Yeah, I have a date for Valentine's Day.

February 14th.

(it's 11:26 PM where I am so it's still Valentine's Day for me)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWM_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a new years resolution to stop drinking

For the 29th and 30th February

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Obimark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Grammar nerd dad joke.

Me: January is almost done. Then it will be February.

My girl: Yeah! Then I can finally be eight.

Me: Yes, but the correct form of the verb would be "eaten."

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bydawee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
My buddy got me with this valentines day joke...

So we're in the car driving him home, and we got on the subject of valentines day. Me being attached and him single, I was really happy for him when he told me he had a date for valentines day!

I ask "So who is she?"

him: "February 14th"

worst part is it took me a while to get it, so I kept questioning him. I got out daded

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Happy pi day

I'm not celebrating pi day this year... I've only just recovered from e day on February 72nd.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beeteedee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
So I got a text from my dad about Valentine's day...

Dad: Do you have a date for Valentine's day?

Me: Yeah, House of Cards and a long car ride.

Dad: Well, I do

Me: Ummmm, okayy?

Dad: Yeah, it's February 14. I thought everyone knew that.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetToTheKarma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Expiration Dates

This happened last February while my mom was about to prepare some lunch.

Mom: This hummus is dated 2-03-13 but I guess it's okay...

Dad: Well your face is dated 2-12-1964 but you don't see us complaining.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/storybookheidi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
It's really hot outside in Texas and my dad said this about our dogs.

Him: if in July we have hot dogs what do we have in February?
Me: what, dad? Him: chili dogs!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
🚨︎ report
how many Seconds in a year?

12...

January 2nd, February 2nd...


told to me by a weatherman, I think it counts, he's a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texacer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
My new favourite Dad joke

An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTelly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Mom get's a calendar for Christmas

Dad - What's in it?

Brother - January, February, March...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coltsfan141
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Just got a letter from March of Dimes.

Last month I got a letter from February of Nickels.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Can February March?

Can February March? No, but April May.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CJRedbeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a date for valentines day

It's the 14th of february

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaku2201
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Has anyone here got a date for valentine's day?

I have...

It's February 14th.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Has anyone got a date for valentines day?....

I have....

February the 14th.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BookerGinger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?..

12

January 2nd, February 2nd and so on..

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GunsNrosas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

12!

January second, February second, March second...

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pancakes_15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend just got a son, and already knows how to be a father

He said: I would like to celebrate my birthday this February, but unfortunately I can't.

Because I was born in January!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Omegaile
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
🚨︎ report

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