Fall Flowering Puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

My wife and I were shopping and noticed the store had a bunch of fall flowers in pots out front.

My wife: "Oh look! They have mums! What size should I get?"

Me: "Well, my paycheck hasn't hit the bank yet, so we should probably keep our purchases to a mini-mum."

My wife: " ... "

In heaven the Elephants are in charge of remembering everything, the monkeys are in charge of giving hugs, the hippos are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, the mice are in charge of dancing on the petals of flowers, the cats are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree and porcupines are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas. 😃 In Hell the Hippos are in charge of dancing on the flowers, the elephants are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree, the cats are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, monkeys are in charge of remembering everything, the mice are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas and the porcupines are in charge of giving hugs. 😫

Mom has left her bag of orange flowers on the floor that she used to decorate the house for fall/Halloween.

dad sees said bag, not knowing its contents

"Hey honey what's in that bag on the floor?"

"Oh just my floral stuff."

...we stopped off by a store that had lots of fall flowers and pumpkins, including various sizes of mums in different colors. My daughter wanted a couple of the biggest yellow mums to put on either side of our front door, which were crazy expensive. I told her, "I'm a little tight on money right now, so let's keep our purchases to a mini-mum."