F.t.a. Puns

Because they're all not 'C's.

Happy No L!

Me: " 'A', 'L', 'F',......'A', 'R', 'T',.....'F', 'R', 'E', 'D' " Judge: "Your first name is 'Alfartfred'?" Me: "No sir, it's pronounced "Alfred". The fart is silent."

I know, this one stinks.

My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".

...

More silence

...

"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.

It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.

Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.

Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!

I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.

It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.

“Hey mom, why do we have thick fur?”

“It protects camels from most temperatures in the desert.”

“ Oh… Ok! And why are our feet huge?”

“So that extreme temperatures can’t burn our feet.”

“Sooo… What about our humps?”

“They store water so we can survive in the desert.”

“The desert?

“It’s our habitat.”

“So what the f#ck are we doing in a zoo in Illinios?”

there was a girl already inside who greeted him with a bright,"t-g-i-f" He smiled at her and replied, "s-h-i-t" She looked puzzled, and repeated, "t-g-i-f". More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t" The girl was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "t-g-i-f" The man smiled back to her and once again "s-h-i-t". The exasperated girl decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday", get it duuhhh?

The man answered "s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."

My girlfriend and I are in an argument. I’m playing video games and ignoring her. I hear a knock on the door but wasn’t expecting anyone. Sounds like a food delivery transaction.

She calls my name, I don’t respond.

She texts “would you like a f*cking slice of pizza?”

I respond “No, but I appreciate the piece offering”

She just left the house. Am I doing this right?

S ‎ O ‎ M ‎ E ‎ v ‎ i ‎ e ‎ w s are r ‎ e ‎ f ‎ r ‎ a ‎ C ‎ T ‎ E ‎ D, but I'm fully transparent.

‘yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’

So with his best effort the boy replies ‘A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’

The teacher says ‘very good but what happened to the P?’

‘Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’

Working at an ice cream parlor there was a customer that insisted I serve him chocolate ice cream even though we were out of it. He just wouldn’t give up. So I said “let’s play a game”. How many “vans” are in vanilla ice cream? -he said “one”(correct) So how many “straws” are in strawberry ice cream? He said “one” again (correct) So then how many “ F’s” are in chocolate ice cream? He said there is no “F” in chocolate ice cream - I said “Exactly- THERE IS NO F IN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!

Anyone who makes a pun about iron should pay a periodic Fe, I would stop now but that'd be Nobel of me, HeHeHe. Be sure to take a deep breath before you say "NO". At this point you might thinking we should get Iridium of this guy in rl too. I'll eventually run out of chemical puns, right? Na, which might be your mood coincidentally. This guy must be a fake as Silicone, he got this from somewhere to which I reply, Si, senor! I Cu calling for the coppers, but any "Bro" of mine wouldn't. Don't worry, the best ones Argon by now. Au reading this! This winding list is surely golden by now, right?

As we close this out, allow me to echo your thoughts one last time, Fr y'all.

"F"In"Al"Y"

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

Because E.T. flew off in a U.F.O, and the C.I.A chased after him.

G u n k P o o F a n t a

Within animal puns, we provide you the funniest bundle of fish puns

What did the fish say when he posted bail? “I’m off the hook!”

Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octopus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments.

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? Damn!

Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one thow it at you.

How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale.

What happens when you drink like a fish? You piss like a fire hose.

Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink? Just Squidding.

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!

What did the fish say when he posted bail? “I’m off the hook!”

Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers

Some kind of superhero name for John F. Kennedy if he was a superhero. Bonus points for making it relevant to something he did as president. Even more bonus points for a supervillain name for Lee Harvey Oswald.

I hope this is the right place to make a request for a pun idea. If it isn't, I would appreciate point in the right direction.

Good luck!

When dad was tired he'd always say "I'm so T-U-R-D 'tired' I could F-A-R-T 'faint'"

Sadly/fondly I think of this every time I feel worn out.

My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.

Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"

Son "Yes!"

Wife " Tell me what the letters are"

Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"

Me "Was that his first dad joke?"

Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J/K no I don't.

NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...

No-el no-L

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I'm missing the iron E.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Bourgeoisie.