Hopefully one day I'll find an f-35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lisamar13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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I (35/f) just dad joked my dad while out for lunch

The parents and I went to a mexican place for lunch. I got a strawberry daiquiri that they mistakeningly made with copious amounts of tequila.

3/4 of the way through the drink I look over to the corner or the restaurant and say, "Dad! We shouldn't have eaten here. They're molding in the corner!"

Both turn to look, mom groans and hangs her head, a look of understanding, then pride slowly moves across his face.

There was infact, and long piece of wood moulding propped up in the corner of the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crochetyhooker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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"I Lost My Job" Puns

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

  1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
  2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
  3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
  4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
  5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
  6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
  7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
  8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are β€œcremation” or β€œburial,” not β€œsmoking” or β€œnon-smoking.”
  9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
  10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
  11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
  12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
  13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
  14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
  15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
  16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
  17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
  18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
  19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
  20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
  21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
  22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
  23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
  24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
  25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
  26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
  27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
  28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
  29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
  30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
  31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
  32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
  33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dleishman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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Help me remember the punchline to an old joke

I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.

Then something funny happens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corruich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
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My local Auctioneer just passed away

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krismoff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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Son is catching up to me in age

This is more dad humor than a dad joke.

Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.

I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.

β€œWhen I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.

I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”

He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.

I said sure I can and made a graph:

https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ

I even included percentages to drive home the point.

He smacked his head and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 879
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustnbig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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My local auctioneer died...

He was aged 30,35,35, 40,40,45.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2022
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Son: S-s-s-s

Me: He’s about to say his first words!

Son: shut up dad you know I stammer. Please, I’m 35

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FI00sh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2021
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The owner of our local movie theatre died last week…

His service is tomorrow at 10:50, 1:05, 3:20, 5:35 and 7:50. No coupons or passes accepted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2021
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What’s the best thing to ever come from Oklahoma?

I-35 South.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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When I was helping my son with his math homework,

I found an angle of 0.35Β°, and I found that odd.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/05_berryCW
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Back in 1993, I inherited a small fortune from my grandfather.

It said "A window of opportunity won't open by itself." The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyID
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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Patient: Is it okay to have kids after 35?

Doctor: I think 35 kids is enough, don’t you?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Like most people my age,

I'm 35.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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My 3 year old daughter was diagnosed with strep throat today.

I absent mindedly let her kiss me this evening, so I went and washed my lips and swished some whiskey for good measure. I know its only 35% alcohol, but I figured it was worth a shot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bebebebeelzebub
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Should woman have Γ§hildren after 35?

No, 35 children is enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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How do you know Jesus was Jewish?

He was 35, lived at home, and his mother thought he was God

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirshenbongfluids
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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(True story) You know you've read too many Dad jokes when:

I was driving along a remote highway on vacation and saw a sign that said "6 passing lanes next 35 miles", and seriously wondered why they would bother telling me about them when they were so far away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Was asking my dad about the xmas party this coming sunday

The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.

Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.

Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother

Me: What time is it?

Dad: 3:36 pm

Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?

Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now

Me: ... What time is the party

Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.

Me: ...

Dad: 3 pm.

Had me and my friends laughing so hard.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: β€œWow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: β€œYeah, well we were married 35 years

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grace832
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
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Just saw an advert in the local newspaper

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! Β£35,000 - Β£40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -Β£5,000"

Wonder if I'll get the job

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keepthefaith62
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Friend lost some weight...

Friend: I've lost a stone (6.35 kg) and I feel great!

Her dad: I am normally sad when I lose something. What sort was it? Shiny and smooth or rough and crystaly? I can find you another one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouAreNotSoSmart
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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My humor has reached the pinnacle.

I made pasta for dinner, my mom suggested trying some Ricotta with it... fast forward 35 minutes

Mom: Can I have some of the pasta?

Me:Yeah sure, go for it.

Mom: Oh you didn't use the Ricotta?

Me: Oh no, I didn't. I guess I forgotta about the Ricotta

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stylish_aggie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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The price of a sweatshirt.

My friend was talking about a sweatshirt he wanted to get online.

Friend: Its 35 pounds, so about 70 dollars.

Me: Wow! That's a heavy sweatshirt!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswingingman97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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Women Should Stop Having Babies

My father and I got in an argument today...

Dad: Your mom fought with me because I said, "Women should stop having babies after 35..."

Me: "Well yeah, autism becomes a huge risk if women are pregnant at that age or older. Why was there a disagreement?"

Dad: "Because why would she want 36 kids..."

Long pause and then sarcastic laughter and slow clap.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rugbybackliner
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Took my parents out to dinner tonight and had to excuse myself for a quick restroom break...

Dad : you don't have to make it quick one. Make it a long one, we've got all night.

I'm 35 and my dad still does this all the time. Of course im.a dad too now but I will never be the master.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tknoob
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Idea

Driving down a country road doing about 35-40 mph when all of the sudden my dad slams on the brakes. "I have an idea", he says as he's pointing to something out my passenger window. I asked him what he's pointing to and just repeats the joke when i notice there's a light bulb on the side of the road.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorSalami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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Out dad-joked during pizza prep

We were slicing olives for the pizza when my dad asked how many we needed. I chimed in "olive them". Due to the frequency of dad jokes in the household for the last 35 years, nobody reacted. However, when my mom asked "does that look good" after spreading the olives out, my dad said "Olive with that" and we all facepalmed. Well played, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XerxesDGreat
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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I was working the ticket drop at the movie theater last night...

Dad spends 35 dollars on tickets for him and his family to see Divergent.

As the group approaches the ticket drop, I hear the dad ask the mom what half of 35 is. She says "17 and half" and the dad gets this big shit eating grin. I rip their ticket stubs and the dad puts on a serious face and says "All right, I'd like $17.50 back please."

The whole family proceeds to groan and tell him to stop as I reluctantly play along and pretend to find some cash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurame21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Every time...

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πŸ‘︎ 861
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
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It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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My friend turned 35 today

I told him he didn't look a day over 35

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brewski82
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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"So how long have you been married dad?"

"35 years son. 20 happy."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyClayDCLXVI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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