Engineering Jokes Puns

We were doing a lab using diesel engines.

"Once the fuel rack has been opened, the amount of fuel injected should be sufficient to keep the engine running under its own steam. Or even diesel."

He and the other prof then just start giggling.

Dad via text: Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Me: I think this might be the first time you've sent me a new joke in several months. Please bring back the old jokes...

But it's what's inside that counts

My TA and someone were talking about a bunch of electronics stuff, and then then got to transformers, and I told the TA, "I tried to start studying transformers, and it looked easy at first, but it turns out they're more than meets the eye."

He started to explain why transformers could be difficult and then once he realized the pun his expression changed to sheer disappointment in both me and himself.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

My dad and I regularly play Words With Friends. I played "joules" for some serious points and he messaged me saying "I guess your physics classes paid off." I wrote back, "Actually you taught me about measurements of energy... the family joules, if you will."

He called me just to say "Ugh... that was terrible."

I don't know, you tell me. I can't hear a thing!

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

You stop pretending.

A civil engineer

Wife: "Hey, you want to go to yoga class with me?"

Me: "Namaste here."

Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.

Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.

He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.

one, two... one, two...

Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere.

She asks, "why are there so many mechanics out here?"

Then I go, "because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first."

my mom didn't get it :[

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.

A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.

Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your “style.”

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?”

“Ye

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

So I dyed my hair fire engine super bright red. I come into work the next day and my dad, who works with me, sees it. He looks at my hair for a moment and then asks: "So is this how you express yourself?" Taken aback I answer "I guess, yea it's one way" "Well, you must be very angry with yourself" chuckles at his own joke, and walks away.

So there is this one engineer at work who always makes the kind of jokes that make you kind of groan afterwards. For instance, a little bit ago, I was trying to get into a set of drawers where we keep supplies and I say, "Excuse me, can I get in there real quick?" And he says, "But.... I don't think you'll fit!" Ba-dum-chuck! Today, I heard him come up to the receptionist to ask where a coworker went. She says, "I think he went through that door," and he's like, "Oh man! I hope he OPENED it first!"

Gave me hundreds. Really remember this gem the best. He asks: How far can you walk into the woods? Me: as much as you want? He: No. Halfway. The other half is walking out. Followed by him walking away saying damn this boy is stupid. Better get him a helmet! (He was an engineer and I outscored him and his friends on a company IQ test at 12 so he joked).

I have a Czech one too...