Can we just take this pun and make it a permanent part of this subreddit? I think it has earned it reddit.com/r/AskReddit/co…
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EvTheSmev
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2013
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my son learned that banks pay you to keep your money and earn more with it.

He said it was interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My 15 year old son asked if I’m buying him a car for his 16th birthday.

I told him:

β€œOnce you’ve earned it buy your own Accord.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obvious_santa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If I ordered a Mint Julep in a copper mug

could I call it a Moscow Mitch?

Explanation: A cocktail called a Moscow Mule is served in copper mugs. The mint julep is Kentucky Derby's official drink, and Mitch McConnell is the senator from Kentucky who has blocked legislation to stop Russian interference in US elections, earning him the nickname "Moscow Mitch" among his critics.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elRobRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate ship pulls into harbour after a long voyage at sea

The captain tells his crew to go out into the town and spend some well earned time off, but to be back at midnight. The crew all go into town and the captain stays in his quarters on the ship.

Midnight comes and the crew still aren't back, so the captain figures they'll all be at the tavern having a drink so he walks in and finds it empty. The captain approaches the bartender and says "YARR, have ye seen me Buccaneers?" , the bartender turn to him and says "YEAH, they're on the side of your buckin' head under yer buckin' hat!".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaHunter93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A story from starbucks

I used to work at a starbucks with my best bud to earn some extra cash after school. Every day an hour or so before closing without fail this older indian man would come in and order two large coffees.

We started to talk with the guy since there weren't many other people in the shop and he told us is name was Haind Sahit and that he was a night worker which is why he drank the coffee. After a while, we would just have the coffee ready for him as soon as he came in the door.

One evening my friend went out back to pick some supplies for refill and had to get something from the top shelf, being a short guy he grabbed an old ladder and started climbing but one of the steps broke and he fell and hit his head pretty hard.

He was rushed to the hospital and woke up a couple days later with no major damages but with a light case of amnesia.

Once he got back on his legs he started working at the starbucks again and as soon as Haind heard, he came back to see how my friend was and stepped up to the desk to greet him. Sadly my friend couldn't remember him at all and just asked what he would like to order. Haind turned around with a tear in his eyes and said "You know, you should really have checked that ladder before you used it".

There was a glimmer in my friends eye and he immediatly started preparing two large coffees. As Haind saw he started smiling and crying and came around the desk to give my friend a hug. He asked my friend "What happened, how did you remember?" and my friend answered "Haind Sahit is always venti venti".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NuvyHotnogger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A dad asks his son what he wants to be when he grows up

"A historian" the son quickly remarks. The dad with a worried expression replies "You do want to earn money when you grow up don't you, it's just I'm concerned there's no future in history"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuyguy12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
New father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SavageTimmy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
🚨︎ report
My son and I were stocking up for the Christmas party at our new rural home...

And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.

We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.

I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."

Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.

Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.

It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BuenaPisteada
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Most literal dad joke

So I'm in the car with my girlfriend and her family. (Mind you I am 17 but a dad joke king) I was still getting to know her dad and a bit scared of him still. He's a nice guy but I hadn't bonded with him much yet, so I jumped on the opportunity to make a dad joke. (I don't remember what it was exactly) And he loved it and laughed pretty hard. At this point, my girlfriend turns to me and says,"He loved that! Keep saying dad jokes!"

I looked her in the eyes for a couple seconds and she seemed confused until I slowly repeat,"Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes." This earned me a swift punch to the shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kemp2288
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
The Tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is beginning to realize just how fast these horses are, so he decides to enter them into a NASCAR race and again, it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This pattern continues until Hobbin wins the Sprint Cup. Still believing that he can push these horses further, he enters them both into an F1 Grand Prix. Unbelievably, against some of most well-engineered machines on Earth, as soon as the race started it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. Hobbin won so often that he was named the World Drivers' Champion. After that the farmer decided that the horses had done it, they'd won the most prestigious races in the world; they had earned their retirement. Five years later, as the two horses were grazing in their pasture, Noggin walked up to Hobbin and said, "Hey, you know, you won all of those races we were in. Do you think that we could race around the pasture, and you could just let me win one race?" "Okay, I'll do that for you" Hobbin replied. So, just like the olden days, the two horses were off, and ever the same, it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, and again, Hobbin beats Noggin by a nose. The old farm dog, watching from the farmhouse's front porch, walks over and asks Hobbin, "Hey, why'd you do that? You said you'd let him win, the race was just for fun; it meant nothing." To which Hobbin responded, "WOW. Would you look at that? A t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Umkazto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
🚨︎ report
Spit this gem out on accident

I needed my shirt ironed and my sister volunteered to help. For some reason we were saying "iron" and "ironing" as "earn" and "earning". Accent jokes, ha. The following ensued:

Me: "Hey Thanks again for earning my shirt"

Sis: "No big deal, it's easy really"

Me: "Yeah. Do you want this pop tart?"

lifts pop tart

Sis: "Really? Sure."

Me: "You earned it."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_Pepper522
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Story about Buying Bread

A man and his wife enter a bakery to buy some bread. Now these are harsh economic times, and the man says to his wife, "I'm not sure if I want to spend my hard earned money on this bread because I don't know who makes it. I don't know whose hands have been on it, you know?", and his wife replies, "But honey, the baker is our neighbor, Alfonso. He kneads the dough."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Ice Cream

So, we had some storms last night, and it knocked out much of the power around us, and the outages lasted throughout the day. My dad suggested that we get some ice cream after dinner:

Dad: "Do you want to go get some ice cream? I think they'll want to try and sell all their ice cream so it doesn't melt, like a clearance sale."

Me: "You mean a Liquidation?"

Note: Yes, I know the "dad joke" wasn't made by a dad, but at school, I've earned the nickname "Dad" for things like this, so I am proud.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NDLPT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my wife while we were playing cribbage...

I had just lost a game of cribbage with my wife.

Her: Well, I guess you didn't win this time. Me: I guess it wasn't in the cards.

That earned me an eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unclematthegreat
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my wife in the kitchen.

Wife: we joked with my boss that this pie cookbook had 200 pies.

Me: Are you sure it isn't 314 pies.

This earned me a swat on the rear.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unclematthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my Dad:

I was talking to my dad about my brothers new wage, when out of nowhere:

Dad: Β£50 a day, 3 days a week he's being paid.

Me: So he's currently earning just under Β£8000 a year?

Dad: Yes, but that's gross. ...

Me: I'd say its pretty great actually!

16 years has built up to this.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/headlesslouis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Classic dad joke with fatherly undertones

I was at my dad's office doing some filing for him.

His secretary says, "Here, I have a job for you."

I respond, "Oh, what's that?"

My dad says from the back office, "It's this thing people do to earn money for themselves."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yikeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
🚨︎ report
'1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition'

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Verapamil123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.