It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.
Neither did he.
But eye jokes are so much cornea..
Nah, it's too corny....
...so I made a joke about an eye. It was cornea.
I'm all ear.
A subreddit.
..do you just get exhausted ?
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
You just have to listen varicosely
She lost her hearing.
B
Edit: Thank you for hugz!
"My ear keeps ringing." My response: "Well why don't you answer it then?"
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
It specializes in ringing in the new ear!
Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke
It means my illegal logging business is a success
Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:
"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!
achoo splat bleah"
Substitute $name for Mia.
Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.
I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.
I felt like I was getting stalked.
It was earie.
I’m sure I’ll get an ear full for this corn-y joke.
Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!
So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"
"I'm board ... cardboard"
"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"
"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"
I asked my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench “so I could draw you.” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur.com/a/IMOR4q5
It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it.
"Man, that must be ear-itating"
"Do your homework"
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob).
As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky."
The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living.
Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...
Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".
Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"
Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"
Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"
Im still laughing!
Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old!
Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now!
Groans were had by both parties
Me: Your ears are so soft. Her: I have Dumbo ears. Me: No, you have Dumbo's mom's ears. Normal sized. Her: That's ear-elephant.
...and we were discussing first title he could watch on his new television.
Dad: "I think I'll watch 'Gravity' first"
Me: "I saw that one."
Dad: "Where did you see that?"
Me: "Pirate Bay."
Dad: "Was it in 3D?"
Me: "Nope. Pirate Bay doesn't have any movies in 3D."
Dad: "Why not?"
Me: "Because of the eye patches."
It took a few seconds for the penny to drop.
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
she comes back into the room after talking to the doctor
"So it looks like you have an ear infection, does it hurt?"
"No not really, it was ringing earlier but that's it."
"Well did you answer it?"
I burst out laughing, I never heard that one before and thought it was hilarious and had to share.
Dad: "Which one?"
Then, later, when I get home from the barber: Dad: "Did you get your ears lowered?"
Every time.
Groans all round.
Great! Because even doe they're coney, I'm a rabbit fan of a really bunny jokr. Sorry if it bugs you, but they make me hoppy and I hope they multiply.
I'm all ears whenever I hare one, br'ers nothing better. If I had burrowed a buck fur every one that's cotton me to chuckle I could buy a 10 carrot ring just in case my brother Jackelopes.
Shoot, I can't remember what the joke was now...
Oh well, Lettuce leaf it there, I've got to bounce over to IHOP for lunch.
I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!
- As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
- Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
- Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
- I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
- Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
- My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
- I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
- The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
- I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
- I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
- I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
- If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
- I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Maize growers - their jokes are always corn-ear.
I was joking that my probable cause of death was going to be strangulation by my fiance from excessive dad jokes. This was her reply to it, so I had to do it. When they find my body, tell them it was suicide :P
Her: Come hear so I can strangle you
Me: [ear emoji] Ear you go
So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.
I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".
As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".
Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."
And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".
It's funny because it all chains together.
His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.
(A joke that my dad told me years ago)
