Lend me an ear for a corny joke.

It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dukbrand
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2019
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Did you guys already hear the joke about the man with peanuts in his ears?

Neither did he.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheStrangerThing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2019
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I'd like to tell an Ear, Nose, or mouth joke...

But eye jokes are so much cornea..

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TedFlowsby
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2017
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Wanna hear a joke about ears?

Nah, it's too corny....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wotmate
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2017
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I tried to make a joke about an ear, but it was too corn-y...

...so I made a joke about an eye. It was cornea.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2016
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When I was younger I lost my hearing in one ear so my self deprecating joke has always been

I'm all ear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2017
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My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 12 2021
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It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

..do you just get exhausted ?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 02 2021
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I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 01 2021
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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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The deaf girl didn’t show up to her court case yesterday

She lost her hearing.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EyeSayAye
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2020
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What do you call bears with no ears?

B

Edit: Thank you for hugz!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 132
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jtfiction
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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Dad-joked my colleague at work today who has an ear infection

"My ear keeps ringing." My response: "Well why don't you answer it then?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/plopple
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2015
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Dude, where’s my
πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Marcus-Prince
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2019
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Crop Top
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eyeyamstewpig
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2019
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Why is tinnitus a good guest for your holiday party?

It specializes in ringing in the new ear!

Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it

It means my illegal logging business is a success

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/taylorgs12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 25 2019
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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Did a corn maize the other day

I felt like I was getting stalked.

It was earie.

I’m sure I’ll get an ear full for this corn-y joke.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2020
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If you want, I can draw you, but you’ll have to sit still.

I asked my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench β€œso I could draw you.” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur.com/a/IMOR4q5

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/destin325
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2018
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jshrad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 17 2016
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My son is almost 3, and frantically calls me into his room when he should be sleeping. Dad! Dad! Put your finger in my ear... so I do...

"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.

Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/yyz-ac
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2020
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How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/perezgc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2017
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My dad was stunned when I rattled this off

He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it.

"Man, that must be ear-itating"

"Do your homework"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2017
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Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 05 2017
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A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2020
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Got my girl to roll her eyes with this one at the fair.

There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob).

As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky."

The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2016
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Son got me!

Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...

Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".

Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"

Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"

Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"

Im still laughing!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anthropic-principle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2016
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Got a girl at a party...

Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old!

Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now!

Groans were had by both parties

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/n1njast1ck
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 01 2015
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My girlfriend is a genius

Me: Your ears are so soft. Her: I have Dumbo ears. Me: No, you have Dumbo's mom's ears. Normal sized. Her: That's ear-elephant.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ImmortalAchilles
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2016
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Dad just got a new TV...

...and we were discussing first title he could watch on his new television.

Dad: "I think I'll watch 'Gravity' first"

Me: "I saw that one."

Dad: "Where did you see that?"

Me: "Pirate Bay."

Dad: "Was it in 3D?"

Me: "Nope. Pirate Bay doesn't have any movies in 3D."

Dad: "Why not?"

Me: "Because of the eye patches."

It took a few seconds for the penny to drop.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2014
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 102
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2016
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Pretty sure my nurse just dad joked me.

she comes back into the room after talking to the doctor

"So it looks like you have an ear infection, does it hurt?"

"No not really, it was ringing earlier but that's it."

"Well did you answer it?"

I burst out laughing, I never heard that one before and thought it was hilarious and had to share.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SethIdol
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2014
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When I tell my dad I'm getting a haircut:

Dad: "Which one?"

Then, later, when I get home from the barber: Dad: "Did you get your ears lowered?"

Every time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Blinkle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 26 2013
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My dad told to eat a piece of corn. I replied "sorry I corn't" Then after he gave me the corn, I looked him in the eye and said "that was a pretty corny joke"

Groans all round.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 05 2015
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Want to hear a bunny joke?

Great! Because even doe they're coney, I'm a rabbit fan of a really bunny jokr. Sorry if it bugs you, but they make me hoppy and I hope they multiply.

I'm all ears whenever I hare one, br'ers nothing better. If I had burrowed a buck fur every one that's cotton me to chuckle I could buy a 10 carrot ring just in case my brother Jackelopes.

Shoot, I can't remember what the joke was now...

Oh well, Lettuce leaf it there, I've got to bounce over to IHOP for lunch.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JephriB
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2018
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It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 89
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Neomeir
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2019
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Who tells the best jokes down on the farm, Dairy farmers or Maize growers?

Maize growers - their jokes are always corn-ear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 28 2019
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Grammer is important

I was joking that my probable cause of death was going to be strangulation by my fiance from excessive dad jokes. This was her reply to it, so I had to do it. When they find my body, tell them it was suicide :P

Her: Come hear so I can strangle you

Me: [ear emoji] Ear you go

https://imgur.com/MUuFq4o

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/engieviral
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2019
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Joke chain...

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2018
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How many ears has captain Kirk got?

His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.

(A joke that my dad told me years ago)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bakerie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2017
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What do you call bears with no ears?

B

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2016
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