If a girl thinks long and hard enough about becoming an e-girl, does that make her thotful?
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WickedSamaritan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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What do you call an E-girl convention?

A SIMPosium!

(Not here to hate on simps just a pun i thought of)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LukeGreywolf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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A little girls teacher asks her what starts with E but you're really bad at?

The girl responds, Spelling!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydroSpecs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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science fact - did you know you can find the gender of an ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, buoyant.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goofy_goon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2022
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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop breasts around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2022
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I was at the mall today

And while I was shopping there a family near me (mom, dad and daughter) whose kid seemed to be around 7 years old.

The kid accidentally stumbled on a price tag and it fell to the ground. Immediately she turned to her father and said:

> Let’s buy it dad! It’s so cheap now that the price dropped.

I don’t know any of them but this little girl will be an amazing dad someday.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiJao97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2022
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A short lesson in British surname history...

Throughout history, people who make garden gnomes have been known by the surname Gnomer. This is similar to surnames such as Taylor, Carter and Baker, which reflected their trade.

Whenever a member of the Gnomer family had a daughter and until she married, the girl would be known as Miss Gnomer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agulesin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2022
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Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwiftFool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2022
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A business man got on an elevator, when he entered,

there was a girl already inside who greeted him with a bright,"t-g-i-f" He smiled at her and replied, "s-h-i-t" She looked puzzled, and repeated, "t-g-i-f". More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t" The girl was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "t-g-i-f" The man smiled back to her and once again "s-h-i-t". The exasperated girl decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday", get it duuhhh?

The man answered "s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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My little girl came up and started drawing polkadots on my arms...

My little girl came up and starting drawing polkadots on my arms.

She said "Do you mind?"

I said, "No, how could I mind? You are my dotter."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drinkbeernaked
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2022
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A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.

He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".

πŸ‘︎ 851
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2022
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An ode to my balls

Sometimes i just like to throw my balls around in the living room.

I do it in front of my girl.

I do it when we have guests.

Sometimes i hit the ceiling.

Sometimes i just hit the floor.

The third one is a bit out of place, but that is okay. It is grey after all.

Juggling is fun, but also quite a ballsy affair.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sebbdk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2022
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day:

"I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major drinking session. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar.", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttered_t0asties
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2022
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Confused, question about Mark Zuckerberg and Meta.

So has he ever meta girl before?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tattoo1990
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2022
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A nefarious scam is going on

Over the last couple of month I have become a victim to cleaver thieves while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car and offer you help unloading your bag. They both start bouncing around, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another store. If you agree, they both want to get in the back seat.

On the way to the next store, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. When you pull over to safely correct their actions, one of them climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th, March 1st and twice yesterday. Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 5:30 in the evening. If you happen to get caught in this scam, be aware that you can get replacement wallets at the Dollar Store, but both west side Walmarts are completely out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrilledSpamSteaks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
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Need dad jokes for a date tomorrow

The date is the only one that would talk to me after I blew it with the raisin and the cranberry

But all jokes not aside, I'm seeing a girl tomorrow and need your groaniest/growniest dad-jokes

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma for 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: "You had twins, a girl and a boy. They're both fine. And your brother named them for you."

Woman: "Oh my, not my brother! No! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Woman: "Oh, wow! That's a really pretty name. What about the boy?"

Doctor: deep sigh "Denephew.β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2021
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FNAF - Asking a girl to prom

This girl I like rlly loves Five Nights at Freddy’s, I’m planning on asking her to prom. I was thinking of asking her with a FNAF pun, i’ve thought of a few, but I wanna hear if y’all got some?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sacr1ficialsl0th
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
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Dad jokes in the wild: I was shopping at a grocery store and a young kid was restocking bricks of butter, and he dropped a couple right in front of me…

I said β€œwoah, Butter fingers!”

I was pushing my daughter in a stroller and The young girl he was working with snorted and said β€œat least you’re a dad, you’re allowed to make bad jokes”

Proud moment.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2021
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Svengoolie

Q: How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A: >!A tractor!<

Q: What’s the difference between Sven (the host) and a savings bond?

A.1: >!One’s appreciated.!<

A.2: >!A savings bond matures.!<

Q: What part of the hospital is off-limits to The Invisible Man?

A: >!The ICU.!<

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/949-Dadmirer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2022
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A guy and a girl are set up on a blind date…

… despite some apprehension they both hit it off and agree to a second date.

Date two comes and there’s even more fireworks, ending with a kiss goodnight.

Finally, a third date comes and at the end she invites him inside to spend the night.

As they’re fooling around, she says β€œIf we’re going to go to bed together, theres probably something you should know. When I was a little girl I was in an accident and I lost both my feet, so both my feet are prosthetic”.

Slightly taken aback, the guy says β€œI’m really sorry, I like you a lot. But if that’s the case we can’t be together”.

Obviously very upset, she asks β€œWhy?! Are you a bigot or something?!”

β€œNo” he replies β€œI’m lack-toes intolerant”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
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There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot on sale for $50...

β€œWhy so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, β€œWell, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, β€œNew house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought β€œMeh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, β€œNew house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, β€œNew house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 889
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2021
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Sad, sad news; I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine....

All because I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.

Good news though.... I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2022
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If Gwen Stefani was Muslim…

Would her hit song have been called β€œAllahback Girl”?

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pookells
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
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I was with my girlfriend and suddenly woke up

She was the girl of my dreams

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamnotchip12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2022
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From my 5 year old to her mother the other morning: My wife told my little girl that owls are nocturnal.

With a (well duh) face my daughter looked at my wife and said, " I know that mommy! Owls are not turtles! They're birds!"

My little girl got me to spit coffee with her snap back to my wife!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2022
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Daughter 1 (crying): "I was going to draw a chameleon but Daughter 2 said I couldn't." Wife: "You can draw a chameleon?" (D1 nods).

Me: "I can too. I already did. It's so good, you can't even see where I drew it."

All three girls: Conversation stops, eyes roll, crisis averted.

πŸ‘︎ 649
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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What did one female ogre say to the other?

You g-ogre-rl (go girl)!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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A friend of mine has a date, but no suitable clothes to wear. On his body I'm drawing a black suit and black tie just as well as I can.

Cause every girl crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdofras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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What did Gwen Stefani say to the little girl who stole her Jewish baked goods?

I want my Challah back, girl

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griftor05
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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Learn something new everyday; I just learned that you can tell the sex of an ant 🐜 by dropping it in water.

If it sinks it’s a girl ant but if it floats it’s boy ant.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jjstone78
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2022
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Anime dad joke

If a girl who is a Tsundere is cold on the outside and sweet on the inside...

and a girl who is a Yandere is sweet on the outside but murderous on the inside...

What do you call a girl who just wants to wash and fold your clothes?

...Laundere

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rammerator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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My sister gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl.

She rang me up and told me she had a boy and a girl. She asked me for ideas on names. My sister asked, what's a good name for the girl?

I replied, Denise!

Aww that's a good name my sister said. What about the boy?

I replied, Danephew

πŸ‘︎ 613
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skryingqt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Why do I go through all this trouble?

A teenager had a crush on a girl all throughout highschool, and he finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed. Two weeks before the prom, he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the tuxedo store, there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway, and he got his tuxedo. A week before the prom, he went to go rent a limo. When he arrived at the limo place there was a huge line, but he decided to wait anyway to get his limo. On the day of prom, he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the floral store, there was a huge line. He decided to wait anyway, and he bought his date a corsage. During the night of prom everything was going well. They were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispered into his ear to ask if he would go get her some punch. The young man looked over to the punch table and there was no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pimco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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Broken butts

So I have used this joke religiously for many many years. My oldest 20, second 5 and then my baby girl is just over 18 months. Every time any of them need a new diaper.

β€œAlright looks like you’ve broke it, there’s a crack in it so you need a new butt.”

The two older ones still crack up and princess dances around when I say it.

(Yes that is a mighty big gap in ages and yes all the same mom)

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmthomp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My 12 Year Old Son Hit Me With This One Today... What did the traffic light say to the car?

Stop looking I'm changing!

I've been telling my oldest boy who is 12 and my next youngest girl who is 10 dad jokes via text. Feel it's a nice little thing for dad to do. Today he got me! So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VBOSCH1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Need help with baby names

So, one of my best friend's and his wife are having their first child. My friend despises puns, so of course I send them to him all the time. So I want to start sending him baby name ideas that are all puns. They don't know the gender yet, so boy, girl, and neutral name ideas would all be great. Their last name is "Paris".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slackgir
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A pun I told to a co-worker

My brain is so aligned towards punning, I do it automatically when I'm talking to people. Usually I get eye rolls. One time I asked a girl I worked with, who I had always been friends with, if she could give me a hand with something

She said "give me a sec"

I said "take all the secs you want" (now try saying that out loud)

It was a crowded room, and she looked at me like I'd grown antlers or something, and I froze on the spot in embarrassment

Anyway, thought you might find that funny

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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How do you tell what gender an ant is?

Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant, if it floats it's buoyant.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu_di
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2022
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Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant just by putting it in water?

If it sinks…girl ant. If it floats? Buoyant

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhengz23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2022
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If you ever want to find the gender of an ant, just put it in water!

If it sinks, its a girl ant

And if it floats...

Its buoyant

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snabring
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
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How do you know the sex of an ant?

Put it in a glass of water.

If it sinks = girl ant

If it floats …………

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehhate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is Santa always so Jolly?

Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
🚨︎ report

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