A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_joshi_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyoneโ€™s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think itโ€™s a boy and girl but I donโ€™t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sveil96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the womanโ€™s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said โ€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?โ€ The doctors replied โ€œWell, the girlโ€™s name is Denise!โ€ โ€œOh, thatโ€™s not so bad! And the boy?โ€ โ€œDenephewโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TeepenTeepen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Fascinate

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

โ€œGood morning class, today weโ€™ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?โ€

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. โ€œThe stars last night were fascinating.โ€

Teacher looks at her and says,โ€Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.โ€

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,โ€Iโ€™m fascinated by the ocean and itโ€™s creatures.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s still not the answer Iโ€™m looking for.โ€ The teacher says. โ€œCan anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.โ€

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,โ€My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LiCill666
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
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So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom

He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

There's no punchline.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/infinityglitches
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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How do you tell the difference between a boy ant and a girl ant??

Place it in water, if it floats boy-ant and if it sinks girl-ant

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Carve_Karrett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Airbender, Waterbender...

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tomwithweather
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his dateโ€™s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. โ€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!โ€ He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his dateโ€™s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ohihatethesepants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Poison girls.

Hello Boys and Girls.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rivennnnnnnn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 186
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/extraflux
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heโ€™s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherโ€™s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. โ€œOh Junior,โ€ she said, โ€œyouโ€™ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itโ€™s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnโ€™t have to. Why donโ€™t you have a girlfriend yet?โ€ Junior hesitated. โ€œWell Grandma,โ€ he replied. โ€œItโ€™s because... Iโ€™m gayโ€. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaโ€™s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: โ€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnโ€™t giving me any grandsons!โ€ Jack replied: โ€œMa, weโ€™re happy, you canโ€™t just-โ€œ But she interrupted. โ€œNo excuses!โ€ She snapped. โ€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coyoteTale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Bacon Puns

Why didnโ€™t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? ย Kermit the Frogโ€™s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? ย Kevin Bacon


If you canโ€™t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youโ€™re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpโ€™s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesnโ€™t whisper โ€œHere comes the Baconatorโ€ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


Iโ€™ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatโ€™s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we donโ€™t build a wall on our northern border, theyโ€™ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverโ€ฆbecause Iโ€™m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youโ€™re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldnโ€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iโ€™m going to write โ€œLifeโ€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iโ€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


โ€œHalloweenโ€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iโ€™ll be your trick if youโ€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatโ€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โ€œhollow-weenie!โ€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iโ€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโ€ฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€ The other monster replied, โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโ€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโ€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโ€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianโ€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canโ€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโ€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโ€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was chatting with my girlfriend about having kids

She was saying she would HATE if she had two boys. She preferably wants two girls, but she'd survive with one boy and one girl. I, on the other hand, wouldn't mind two boys.

Her - "Dear god I hope we don't have two boys"

Me - "Hehe!"

Her - "No, it's not 'hehe'"

Me - "No, actually it is 'hehe'. It's definitely not 'sheshe'"

She wouldn't even respond

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jdman929
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got a few people with this Ant joke

Talking the other day about Ants for some reason and I remembered one to drop into the conversation.

Q: You know how they tell whether an ant is male or female?

a few saying 'no, how?' others saying they are both male and female at same time, need a microscope etc.

A: Actually it's easier than that, the scientists drop them into water, and if it sinks then it is a Girl Ant, but if it floats then it is a Boy Ant.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/syuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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My dad's favorite jokes from his opa (it runs in the family, evidently)
  1. All good things must come to an end, except for a hot dog, it has two.

  2. (While watching tv) I always wondered why they never invented smellovision... (although sadly that is now a "thing" because of that stupid Honey Boo Boo scratch'n'sniff...siiiigh)

  3. (When Opa had heart-attack symptoms and was getting a sonogram) So is it a boy or a girl? (apparently the humor was lost on the nurse)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LuneMoth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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A woman pregnant with twins falls into a coma..

After 3 months she wakes up to hear she gave birth to a girl and a boy, and her brother named them. She asks for the girls name and is told Denise. Oh that's beautiful she replies, what is the boys name? Da nephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PostsHighThoughts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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My dad has told this one a hundred times and it still brings him to tears from laughter

So there was a high school dance and at that dance there was a boy with a wooden eye and a girl with a hair lip. The boy walks over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. "Oh would I!", she says. He responds saying, "shut up hair lip!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 55
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/llamalord421
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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My aunt was talking about baby names

I was talking to my aunt who was pregnant and she was thinking of potential names: Aunt: I've narrowed it down to Winifred for a girl or Conwyn for a boy. Me: I guess it will be a win win situation either way

Neither name was picked

๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andrewvilla09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Woman's brother gets to name her twin kids

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her.

Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth.

A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives.

Husband: "How'd it go?"

Wife's brother: "It went great! Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy!"

Husband: "That's amazing! Thanks so much for coming down with her."

Wife's brother: "No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all."

Husband: gulps "Oh really?"

Wife's brother: "Yup. I named your daughter Denise."

Husband: "Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it? And my boy? What's my boy's name?"

Wife's brother: "Well, naturally he's Denephew."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SchrodingersCatPics
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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Dumb uncle

A lady is 9 months pregnant and is in a car accident. Turns out she was pregnant with twins and they had to an emergency C-section. She wakes up the next day and asks about her babies. Nurse tells her that her brother showed up and he named them. Fear stricken because her brother is an idiot she asks the nurse to bring in the first one, a girl, nurse tells her that she was named Denise. She thinks to herself well that's not bad. What is the boys name? Danephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ActionJaxon325
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
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Teacher dad joked Vladislav!

Our English teacher was doing the attendance:

"Bob, Rob, Vladislav...GOT TO DO WITH it?"

Queue hysterical laughter for the boys and serious head shaking from the girls.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Psychohorak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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knock knock jokes and Nabokov's "Lolita"

This is an homage to my buddy Allen who is a master at puns in general and of puns of the antanaclasis variety in particular.

Allen likes to write fan fiction for Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita". In Allen's version, the young girl tries to seduce an older man with hacky knock knock jokes. One example: "Hey big boy, I want to whisper something in your ear... Did you know Knock-Knock Jokes may result in swollen knuckles?"

The copyright holders have requested he take the jokes out. They said to knock off knock-off knuckle knock-knocks in Nabokov knock-offs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeSaintClair
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Making dadjokes when you can barely talk isn't easy, but I did it.

At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2.2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper.

To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2.2 fucking million.

Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper.

OF COURSE I DID!!!

He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement.

One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says:

>"Cane-Dewey, are you alright!?"

I could barely breathe let alone speak. But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out:

>"No, I'm half left.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cane-Dewey
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2014
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I named a blue and pink drink I created, "boy or girl"

Whenever girls at the party asked for "a boy or girl", I responded:

"Cool, give me about 9 months and 30 seconds"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/im_from_detroit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A 3 months pregnant woman fell in a coma

After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ahmadh26
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 188
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/6Bazrael66
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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A woman pregnant with twins was in the hospital with her brother as she went into labour.

She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."

The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"

The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/man_nowhere
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 78
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just witnessed a dad walking with his kids back to their car...

The kids were between four and eight years old and were claiming their spots in the car.

"I'm in the front!" said the boy.

"I'm in the back!" said the girl.

"I'm in the front!" said the dad.

The kids didn't get it but I overheard and had a quiet chuckle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Peach_Muffin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Uncle Jokes

A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.Six months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: Oh, thats not so bad, what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 255
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HekticLobster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Woman gives birth and goes into a coma

The woman wakes up from her coma and the nurse explains that she has been in a coma after she gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl. The nurse says that because the woman was not able to name her children, her brother named them for her.

Woman: Oh great, what did my brother name the girl?

Nurse: He named her Denise.

Woman: That's not so bad, what about my son?

Nurse: Denephew.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xtianbreezy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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A single woman who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awoke and asked the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: "You had twins! A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you"

Mother: "Oh shit, he's an idiot! What did he name my baby girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Mother: "Oh.. That's not too bad. What is my sons name?"

Doctor: "Denephew"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Luxbu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
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This just happened then

I was at the table eating breakfast when my mum asked me to post a letter. I asked her how much it was to do so. $1 she said, I asked how much it used to be and she said "it was 6 pence back when I was a girl" to which I replied "what? What are you now? A boy?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vinrace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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