E Fit Puns

It becomes cough-y.

-My 11 year son a few moments after I had coffee go down the wrong pipe and had a bit of a coughing fit.

proud dad noises

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Police say he was charged with counter fitting

Jehovah's Fitness.

"I worked at a factory that made women's undergarments, and i stood at the end of the line. Every time a pair came down, id put them on my head and say dees'l fit'r."

This may fit better in r/unclejokes but seeing how this line was from my dad, I wanted to put it here.

Me: I told a friend that I was having some trouble in the bedroom and he suggested talking to my doctor about Viagra. I don't know how that's supposed to help me put a wardrobe together.

My dad: Might actually make it harder.

I didn’t know she could fit on one!

You just don’t fit the mould.

I replied “your shirt probably wouldn’t fit me”

A slowpoke!

*a friend of mine told me this and I thought it would fit well here

Dad : “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

It’s a little fit bunny

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..

I told them I had no interest in joining Jehovah's Fitness.

— “Yesterday I ordered a twenty-five dollar steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my credit—and it fit.”

Because she couldn't fit into D shells

It doesn't fit him though so we've agreed to call him Englishew

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to “put the kettle on” I respond “I can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked “do you need a bag” I point at her and say “it’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

He asked “So how do you find clothes that fit?”.

It's a fitting room.

I'm in the 'Fitness Protection Programme '

CrossFit.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

Only 2. They'll fit.

I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

He fits the bill.

What did Prince Charming realize when the glass shoe fit Cinderella's feet?

That she was his sole-mate

It fits.

Cross-fit

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

He uses CROSS-FIT

It comes with an Elon Musk

(Saw something similar on r/memes and decided it was better fit here)

Apparently it was a big counter fitting operation

It wasn't that well made but it fits the bill

Well, if the choux fits...

It’s a little fit bunny.

“It’s a little fit bunny.”

Its a little fit bunny.

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs ..

It's a little fit bunny...

...they’ll never fit me.”

"No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"