I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized...
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
Saw this on insta @PunHubOnline
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
How do you get up votes on reddit?
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
MODS please remove this post if it doesn't belong on this sub
A man recently died when a periodic table display fell on him...
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
Sorry for being too lazy to look but does anyone remember seeing the joke on this sub about the chiropractor?
Someone posted it about a weak back.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
A man goes to a library and asks for books on paranoia
The librarian whispers "They're right behind you."
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
What kind of pet do you step on?
First I got a tattoo on my cervical that said "5".
Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"
Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"
After that, I got one on my Sacrum that said 2"
And now, I'm getting one on my Coccyx that says "1"
It's the spinal countdown.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
I was on a roll with this post.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
Did you know that Mortal Kombat is based on a Scandinavian church song?
More precisely, a Finnish Hymn.
If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Told this Chemistry joke on here before..
.. but it had a very bad reaction.
I’m making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane
We are currently filming the pilot
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
There are 3 men on a boat.
Each has a cigarette, but nothing to light it with.
So one man throws his cigarette into the water, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?
Emphasis on laundry rotation
What's the best time of day on a clock?
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
You could say my son has at least on square meal a day
My wife asked me to put ketchup and mustard on the grocery list.
Now I can't even read the thing!
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
My coworker said, “Sorry, hold on, my Firefox is frozen.”
So I said, “Not really a Firefox then, is it?”
My wife gave me a costume that looks like corn on the cob
I said, are you trying to butter me up?
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them.
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