I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Dr dr..

Me: Dr dr, i always take s poo at 8:00am sharp, every morning,!

Dr: sorry I don't see how that's a problem.

Me: I wake up at 9:00am...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jambo2016
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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How is music like ice skating?

If you don’t C-sharp, you’ll be B-flat

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I cut myself making a sandwich today.

They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Idk if it's been here before
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.

I said β€œYeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”

My wife looked at me and said β€œYou think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranthony
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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Wanted to make an extra cheesy Valentine for my SO who hates commercial holidays but loves puns.

"I camembert if I’ve told you today, but just in queso I haven’t, you're looking sharp! I havarti accepted you stilton love β€œcheesy” holidays, but ricotta think things can only get feta with a little roman(ce)o. It colby just me, but I swiss you very much when we’re apart. It’s cheddar when we’re together because then I don’t feel provolone. I think we go gouda together, and I want to grow mold with you. Wheel you brie my valentine?"

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acertaingestault
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2016
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Not a dad, but I hope you can torment your kids with this one.

So, Arthur's dad is writing a letter to his sister when he suddenly feels a sharp pain in his hand. So he yells,

 

ARTHUR! ARTHUR!

"Yeah, Dad, what's going on?"

ARTHUR!

"Dad, what's wrong?"

Quick, don't ask any questions. I'm going to say some words and you write them down.

"Why can't you write them down?"

Arthur, write this.

(If it doesn't make sense, read the last line out loud.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiltedlens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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Quasimodo's Replacement

Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bygles
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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saw this on r/jokes and had to share it

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/friscosoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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Sword puns are stupid..

.. Maybe I'm not sharp enough to understand them but I don't get their point.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swaggar92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2013
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A worker got me

Peer:My eyelid has been twitching for a week. I am just going to cut it off Me: Have you tried banana's? (the potassium should help) Peer: Nope, don't think it is sharp enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaQUp_Bish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
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The dad joke I got from security going through the airport in Milwaukee.

I had a bag of cheese in my backpack:

Security (training a new guy): Do you have anything sharp in your bag before he reaches in?

Me: nope, it's just some cheese in there.

Security: Don't believe her, she's a liar. This cheese is clearly labeled a SHARP cheddar.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadtownMaven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
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Finally made my dad sigh

Dad (doing a crossword puzzle): What is a music note with four sharps?

Me: I don't know, but I bet it ain't flat and dull!

My dad just stared at his paper and sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flamingfluffyguns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
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At the grocery store

I was at the deli counter stocking up on sammich supplies. The people at the counter usually offer samples, especially when I've got my daughter with me. So anyway, I was handing a slice of extra sharp cheddar to my daughter as my wife was walking away, and I called out extra loud(so she could hear me), "Make sure you don't cut yourself!" I looked back with the biggest, most stupidest smile I could muster, and much to my satisfaction, she was weeping in the produce section. With joy, I'm sure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aMightyWizard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Got my mother-in-law

Eating some cheddar on crackers over the weekend.

"This cheese is very good! I normally don't buy cheddar, especially the sharp kind." - Mother in law

"Me neither, it always cuts my hands." - Me

"Why would it cut your..." she starts then makes the connection. Got groans and eye rolls from both fiance and mother-in-law.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpinDocktor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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