Don Brown Puns

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pants.”

A carrot.

Wife: I bought some with white rice and some with brown.

Daughter: I want white but that doesn't mean I'm racist.

Me: Don't you mean rice-ist?

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."

"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."

"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"

"Rustlin'" says the bartender.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt. He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole.

Me: "Dad, it's too big"

Dad: "What? Let me see that."

puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop

Dad: "I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine"

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this.

Waitress: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner!

What are you guys having to eat this morning?

Mom: I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please.

Waitress: how do you like your eggs?

Mom: Over easy please!

I chime in: I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please!

look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something

Waitress: and how about for the Dad?

Dad: I'll take the Country Fried Steak please.

Waitress: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like

Dad: I'll take the hash browns and eggs please.

He's smiling.

I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to

Waitress: okay Sir how would you like your eggs

Me thinking: OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad

Don't you fking dare

Waitress: Sir, how do you like your eggs? Is Over easy okay?

Dad: Over Here if you can.

> > > >

Dad and Mom are going nuts.

My brother and i have our head in hands.

God damnit Dad.

I got home from work yesterday, and the first thing my daughter was was "Daddy, I made brownies!"

"Wow, I said, can eat one?"

She pulled out a plate filled with the letter 'E's made out of brown construction paper. (brown E's).

"You can if you want to, but I don't think you'll like the taste!"

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

"Hey sergibby, what color was my poop this morning?" - dad.

"I dunno, brown?" - me.

"You don't know shit!" - dad.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

Dad: what's brown and sticky?

Me: dunno...

Dad: A Stick!! Dad: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Me: Urgh... I don't know dad

Dad: A Stick!!

Dad: "If your dad has brown eyes and your mom has blue eyes, what's the chance of you having brown eyes?"
Me: "75 percent"
Dad: "And what's the chance your eyes go opposite directions?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Dad: "One in four, because one blue east and one blue west!"