Dog Mom Puns

He didn’t have his Licker license

I miss my pa

So my mother is discussing the dog, saying we should get a new tag for her collar and she says, "let's make sure we get a cell phone and not just the home phone on it"

And dad walks in and says, "won't that be pretty heavy?"

I was lathering him with soap...

Mom: "make sure and get his tail" Me: "I already did" Mom: "oh really? Its hard to tail"

Her staring at me with the dad smirk til I laughed.

Never have I been a more proud son. Thanks for being a great dad, Mom!

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”

About a year ago, my mom took me and my siblings to the zoo. I didn't really like it there though. In the whole zoo there was only 1 dog there.

Yeah, it was a shih tzu.

My morning walk with the dog was cut short today. There's a park we usually wander through so she can sniff and explore, but today we couldn't get in because the path was blocked by an army of angry geese.

I was telling my mom about this and she mentioned there are geese at the river where she and a friend take their dogs, too. She said they must all be in town for some kind of conference. Then she paused for half a second and continued:

I bet it's a religious thing. They're here to preach the goosepel.

(To satisfy the rule: that's a play on gospel.)

(To my cousin)

Me: Who are you dating now?

Cousin: Alexis

Uncle: I told him not to date a car, They're too high maintenance.

(Groans, etc.)

So I hear my niece running around in our house and also a dog running around with her and was immediately confused wondering why she and a dog were just running up and down the hallway. Then I went to see what was happening and she was playing fetch with the dog. So I asked my mom, "then why was she running? Is she simply so stupid that she throws a thing and tries to fetch it herself because for a second there she forgot whether she was the dog or the person?" To which my mom replied, "it wouldn't be farfetched. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) " ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

Mom: "Did you know that grapes can kill dogs?"

Dad: "You'd have to throw them pretty hard..."

My mom was not amused, but I was losing it haha

And he came back partially bald.

[actual joke my mom told me 20 years ago about our dog]

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says “You’re not going to believe what I just saw”

“What happened Johnny” says his mom

“This car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says “now little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

“Wrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

Mom (addressing us kids): Y'know I once caught your grandfather letting the dog suckle on his nipple when she was a puppy... Once he saw me he put her down and acted like nothing happened.

Dad : So... He was a PETA-phile?

The moment was golden... Couldn't ask for better timing.

My mom told me this pointless story that I was sure was going to be a pun. What should this have been leading up to?

> I read about these two men who practiced log rolling tricks and traveled all over the country. One would jump right over the other one. They even had a dog trained to do tricks with them.

No points for "the aristocrats!"

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

My mom was telling me about this magazine title she read at the grocery store for how to calm crazy dogs(my dog has ADD & was currently freaking out about the fireworks since we live close to the fair in town). My step-dad suddenly pointed out "well it's too bad the dog can't read"

He says to my mom "Honey, did rocky(our dog) crap in my chair?" " WHAT?! No. Why?" " because there's a turd in it"

Commence 15 minutes of laughter.

Background: Our family puppy has been wearing a diaper lately before she gets fixed.

As were taking the family picture, my brother is holding the dog like a baby for one of the pics, and my mom says “okay one picture with you holding the dog then were putting her down.” To which my dad responds “Awww, we don’t need to put her down, we just need to get her fixed.”

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

Mom: "Hey how about this one?" (points to a sleeping dog)

Sister: " Look at this one!" (points to a puppy)

Dad: "What about this one?" (points to a damn stuffed animal)

I was out at dinner with my family, and this popped into my head. So i ask "do dogs ever leave?". My family is looking at me pretty confused at this point."of course not. They embark. " sister and mom shake their heads, my dad merely chuckles.

Me- Did you know, <random author> dedicated her book to her dog?

Dad- No I didn't know that, ButtStuffYes, but, if you ever write a book, you better dedicate it to your dad and momicate it to your mom.

Mom-"thats it im done"

Dad- makes the usual triumphant face

Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on. "It's a real shit show in here!"

Dad: You should have name your dog whisky Me: Why??? Dad: Because he's a licker Mom: sighs and slowly shakes head

I came downstairs from taking a shower. Everything was going great ... Until I looked out in the kitchen and saw my dad sprawled out facedown on the floor. I only saw his bottom half, and I was too afraid to look through the doorway and see what the hell happened. I instantly freaked out and started yelling. I don't even remember what I said, but it was something like "What's going on?!?" or "What happened here?!?!" I don't even know what was going on in my head. I thought he passed out or had a heart attack or something. My dog was standing over him staring, looking really confused.

I pulled out my phone and tried to dial my mom, but I was too nervous. Then I realized that was stupid and I should call 911. (Keep in mind I was so panicked/freaked out that I hadn't even seen his face... If he died or something I didn't want to see it. I was terrified.) The whole time I was yelling "What happened??! What's going on?!?!" I dialed the 9, maybe the 1...

And he stands up, laughing. He wanted to see how I would handle the situation. His explanation was he "thought it would be funny to see how I'd act."

I can't unsee it. I honestly thought he collapsed from a heart attack or something. He thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Me: "Please let Dad know that both of the dogs have pooped. 💩"

S'mom: "Will doo-doo."

Me: "You've been married to him too long."

I've been packing to go back to school, and our dog's been getting pretty suspicious.

Mom: I think he knows something's up.

Dad: Course he does! He's a Baggins!

My dad was eating cashews today and he fed the dog a couple. My mom told him that he shouldn't be giving the dog any nuts because there are some nuts that dogs aren't supposed to have. He responds with "I know, they get them removed so they don't have puppies".

I had to turn away so he didn't see me laughing. Then he ran to tell my brother.

Me: Oh, I just got an e-mail from 3MillionDogs.

Mom: Boy, that must be clogging your inbox.

Mom: "Our dog is a pain in the a**" Me: "Why?" Mom: "Well i ran into 2 dogs today at the park..." Dad-"Where they hurt?"

(Not the best but i chuckled a little bit; also long time browser, 1st time poster)

I'm not a good storyteller so I'm sorry if the cadence is bad.

As a kid, I always used to yell "Have" (pronounced HAY-ve, like "glaive") at my dog if it was doing something bad. It was a shortened thing I picked up from my mom.

Anyways, I dad-joked a lady pretty good as she was walking by the house one day, after my dog ran out the gate and started jumping up trying to lick her face. She was laughing as I kept yelling, "Haveee! Haaaave!!" and said, "Is that your dog's name? Haive?"

To which I said, "No, but I want her to beHave."

...That was a good day.

I'm visiting my parents from out of town and we all had gone outside to see the super moon and the meteor shower.

My dad waited until I said something along the lines of "oh wow look at the super moon."

That's when it started. He began singing "Super moon, super moon, it's super moonay" to the tune of "super freak." My mom, not to be outdone, joined in.

I'm clearly not having it so after seeing the super moon I go back inside. They follow me inside and I trip over their dog Tink. Annoyed I said, "Stupid Tink" setting off a new chorus of Super Tink.

We have a 15 year old dog who's getting old and gets sick a lot. Tonight was a pretty bad night for her, moving slowly, lathargic, not acting like herself. All of a sudden she starts heaving, then after throws up the most we've ever seen.

Mom: "Ahh poor thing, I feel so ba...OMG WHERE DID THAT ALL COME FROM?"

Step Dad: "Looks like it came from her mouth."

I lost it for a good 5-10 minutes.

Dog is feeling much better now! :)

My mom made meatloaf for dinner (it was fairly good).

While doing dishes, my dad decided to put the scraps and some grease on a plate of dog food. He put the plate and the ground and kept turning it to tease the dog. This was right by the backdoor, and since it snowed today, there was a towel on which the dog dried his feet.

Me: the dog peed from you teasing him!

Mom: that's on you, dad!

Dad: it's not on me, it's on the towel!

Chuckling ensued.

Talking about it via a group text:

Mom: "Save the Baby! Save the Cat! Lock yourself in the bathroom!"

Sister: "What about the dog??"

Me: "I locked her in the batroom. I mean bathroom."

All: groans

Mom: I gave the dog some leftovers from last night. Did he eat that plate?

Dad: No. He ate all of the food but left the plate. screams HEY, EAT THAT PLATE.

So there was a stand in the store showing off young homeless puppies, which needed to be bought. I walked over and pet one of the dogs. My dad, watching from over my shoulder, grabbed my wrist and said, "Come on Charlie, you just ate!" And all the stay at home moms and 6 year old girls just stood in amazement at me and my dad. I jolted out of the store, (dad following) and we drove home. (We already had all we needed) I just laughed, looked at him and said "I love you dad"

Meeting my buddy's dad for the first time. We're shaking hands; his wife (friend's mom) and dog are there. I begin petting the dog.

"Watch out, she'll like your hands." [few seconds go by] "...the dog, not my wife."

My sister's best friend, a mother of two, had us over for Easter yesterday and made burgers and hot dogs. The mom-friend was putting relish all over her hot dog and I said "you like relish?" She said, "I love relish... I relish in it!" Such a mom.

Last night my mom was telling me about how my parents' dog started eating a whole pack of gum it found on the floor, but (miraculously) gave up. There were teeth marks on the package, but no punctures.

Dad: And you know what she was thinking when she couldn't get through the package?

Me: No, what?

Dad: "Blasted! Foiled again!"

Mom: Did you hear about Catherine's dad? Me: no. Mom: You know he has Alzheimer's? Wife: That's terrible Mom: Yeah, they couldn't find his hearing aid. They found it in his dogs shit! Me: Man you don't hear about shit like that every day. Mom & wife: just stared at me with disapproval.

Mom, addressing the dog: "Did you poop?" Dad: "He didn't but I dropped one."