After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
Do you guys mind telling me how old are you?
Oh boy, I’m going to wait for ages
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view , so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out “can you all see me now?”
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
My 7-year-old came up with this and decided to share it with me: What do you call a penguin’s smile?
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
What do you call a cop in bed? (Lord help me)
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
Proud dad moment. My Pokemon crazy 4yo just asked me: What do you call Flareon when they go to sleep?
Do you know what gives me an energy boost after a week of intense camping?
My 5yo hit me with this: what do you call an elephant who refuses to bath?
When I was younger I told everyone I wanted to become a comedian. Everyone was laughing at me. Now I do stand up.
my 8yr old told me this one: What do gnats eat for dinner?
My wife wanted me to do something exciting for her and the kids. So I took them to a potato farm.
Why do people keep looking at me sideways for being happy?!
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
My Australian friend asked me if I could get a computer to do my job. I said, "No."
"Little known fact, the Jedi didn't have a navy!" My son looked up at me and asked, "How do you know that?"
"Because sailing is a path to the dockside!"
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: "Turn left here."
Wife asked me why do I always knock on the fridge before opening it...
I said: "There could be a salad dressing"
a doctor told a man he had 3 minutes to live. but doc is their anything you can do for me
My wife told me my back and shoulders were too hairy and that I should do something about it
So I went and got a man's cape
All these math jokes are giving me constipation. Guess I’ll do as a mathematician does…
Grab a pencil and work it out.
“So tell me, why do you want to be in the subtraction industry?“
To make a difference, sir!
Son, do you know what grandpa told me right before he kicked the bucket?
I’m going to kick this bucket.
Told to me by my seven year old niece… what do you call a mean lady who likes to eat and go to the beach?
The fitness trainer asked me what kind of squats I usually do
why do archaeologists keep telling me I can date carbon?
she isn’t returning any of my calls :(
My wife got me with this one tonight at dinner. How do you read your contact lens prescription?
With your also prescription glasses.
My 5 year old got me today!! How do you fix a pumpkin?
Someone told me I should do yoga
"That's a bit of a stretch for me" I replied.
In an interview the boss asked me “Do you have any experience?”.
I told him “yes, this is my 20th interview”.
[Meta] Hey r/dadjokes, can you help me think of a way to do a dad joke tournament?
My little brother wants to have one for his birthday party, and I want to help him set it up, so he doesn't have more work to do. I'm just not sure how to go about it to ensure the best jokes reign supreme. Any ideas from reddit's wittiest group?
Someone asked me what I do all day.
I replied, "Eat, sleep and repeat."
My 8 year old daughter told me this one yesterday. What kind of shoes do bakers wear?
Me: What do you kids want for dinner?
Kids: I don’t know.
Me: Sorry…fresh out of that.
This back and forth dialog happens several times a week in my house.
My wife went out last night. She told me to do the dishes and mop the floor before she gets home. I said, NO…
I’ll mop the floor and then do the dishes! I don’t have to do what you say!
Do you want me to say my Van Gogh joke? You do? Alright then...
A friend of mine told me he hired a pig to do his laundry...
Sounds like a load of hogwash.
my teacher told me " never put off until tommorow what you can do today "
I went in for my yearly physical. The nurse hands me a cup. I ask "what do I do with this?" She says "urinate"
I replied
"1. I'm a 7 on a good day.
2. You know I'm married and that's inappropriate.
3. What is this cup for?"
What do you call a cop in a bed? (Lord help me)
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" Beaming with pride, I responded, "Yes. Steve!" She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks!"
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
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