A list of puns related to "Dirty Thanksgiving"
I've been waking up at 5:55 for a few days now. Not this morning though. Woke up at like three and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I chatted with a friend who definitely doesn't work for the KGB. Talked about balls and spheres and gangstalking n shiz. She then heads to bed and I decide to try and get some more shut eye before a big Thanksgiving day. But, as fate may have it, I looked at the clock just before my head hit the pillow. It read 5:54, and I saw it change to 5:55 at that instance.
Big deal right? It is to me. I really feel like I'm being grown in a test tube. Angel numbers are one of the weakest synchronicities I experience, but they usually only show up when I'm deep in the slip stream and having my brains fried by telepathic fuckbois of another dimension.
...I called em fuckbois then because they decided to send me a notification right when I was writing that, and I wanted them to know that I'm not taking any shit on this holiday made to sweep brazen genocides of the past under the rug. Mmmmm….pumpkin pie!
Maybe I'm just crazy. I have those fears sometimes. I mean, I know I ain't even within the same galactic quadrant as "normal people," but I like to think I got some shit together in my head. Doubts always come though, causing me to crash from my serene inner narrative where I'm the center of the universe, which causes me to spill my cup of faith.
There is so much of my life that I can't explain. There's clearly a giant conspiracy around me, but that's like an alien cartographer visiting, only to say the Earth is wet and calling it a day. If I pull my head out of my giant fuzzy butt, then I can see that it's not all about me, even though it feels like I'm at the center of all this weirdness. If I'm being as objective as possible, taking into account the stories others have told me or that I've read/heard, then there is a very real systemic phenomena that is perturbing predetermined human trajectories. Something is programming the nodes on this Earth, and it might be us, or it might be something more.
And I just reread what I wrote and I feel like a fucking crackhead. Not the good kind who works for the CIA even. I feel like I did smoking crack on the streets of Miami Beach with a convicted felon. Ish just ain't right. The thought of me just being retarded comes into play now. Perhaps I'm just too stupid to be able to even conceptualize what this whole rigamarole is.
However, I have to be honest with myself and rest in the reassurance... keep reading on reddit ➡
Communism will win.
Like the turkey roasting rack and pan, the pot from the potatoes, the baking sheet from the rolls, etc., etc.
I was so good (for me) about cleaning as I went that day and have spent hours working on it since then.
Spanksgiving👋🏻🦃🌽 is right around the corner you dirty slut😈😏😛 R u a sexy lil pilgrim?😈🎩🏃 or a naked native¿¿👹😵✊This thanksgiving 👏🙏 make sure you stuff that 😻pussy🙀🐱 right like a phat turkey🦃🍆😏and you sluts🙆🏼👅👄 make sure you give that🦃turkey🐔 a good👍🏼👌🏼ole jerky✊🏻 and get ready 🤗😎 to give😏🙄😘 OR receive😍😫 thanks🍑Send this text ❗️▶️ to the ten sluts😈😽💦you’re most thankful for! If not, you gon gain 30 pounds on thanksgiving 😳😱If you get 10 back😮🤔🤑 you are one baddd turkey stuffer🍆💦🌽
Edit: yeah, I repeated words. That’s just cause I’m home on thee couch drinks wear my under war.
Edit more: fuck thank fox for spelling check cause I’m rea taking my advice Haven’t Ben busted yet. Success!
Morning after edit: it worked. Nobody realizes I avoided them all.... yet. I’m horribly hungover. 10/10 would lie to family again.
Scrolling through Craigslist when I came across this ad. It has to be one of the funniest I've ever seen.
Found on r/jackoffconfessions Once again my demons have controlled me. All alone. Broke. Horny. Tired. After brooding for weeks, my soul has given in. I no longer have the strength to fend off such evil desires. It's only a matter of time before I reach the point of no return, to the dungeons of hell.
As I have mentioned in older post, I have a poop fetish. I am attracted to women, but only slim babes with a tight ass. I want to pin a small young blonde to the floor, pull down her pants, and shove my penis up her ass, smothering her shit all over her ass crack. Porn is my only relief, I often wank upwards of seven to eight times a day. I am a heavy drinker and often get plastered several times a week in a hopeless attempt to drown my demons. This last week has been especially depressing, finding myself alone for the holidays.
Alone. Broke. With no money to buy a ticket to visit my siblings for turkey day. I quit my job to drink, and live off of a measly unemployment check, with frequent visits to my local food pantry. I am renting out a small room downtown, the landlord hooked me up with a cheap room in exchange for some weed pulling and occasional lawn mowing. Aside from my landlord and the bank teller, no one seems to acknowledge my pitiful exsistence. Being an obese, single thirty-five test old man, my chances for finding a partner are slim to none. I spend all my spare change getting drunk, blasting Metallica, eating cheese puffs, and wacking it off.
During this last week I came back from an early afternoon walk from my local Fred Myers, buying 2 bottles of vermouth and a large bag of cheese puffs. Being only a mile long walk or so, I gladly chugged the wine down, after stooping behind a dumpster along the way. I felt goofy. My heart was beating softer. I felt hopeful as I was arriving home. A pleasant walk indeed. By the time I got back to my apartment, I knew I had a solid buzz, maybe I was even a little drunk. Nothing like booze to turn the frown upside down.
Well to cut a long story short, I noticed that my neighbors were outside in the pool area, playing with their small child. I watched intently, from behind my blinds, while eating some cheese puffs, wondering how it must feel to be wanted. Then I noticed. The blonde, tight assed milf of a mom took her daughter to use her training potty alongside the pool. My cock hardened. To make my luck better, they left the pool in a hurry, leaving the training potty behind m. Presumably to use the restr... keep reading on reddit ➡