Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.
Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.
Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.
Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.
She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.
[removed]
Brace yourselves
Dentist: "So any new health problems I should know about?"
Me: "My gums have been pretty sensitive recently."
Dentist: "Okay, I'll try not to talk about them."
The dental assistant and I rolled our eyes and groaned at the same time, while my dentist kept laughing.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was shaking his head and looking at his watch. He said I'm overdue for an appointment and that he has an opening today. I asked what time can I come in? He smugly replied "tooth hurty".
My mom had surgery on her arm today. When she got out, my dad was joking with the nurse asking when she'd be able to vacuum, do the dishes, etc. Nurse just rolled her eyes at everything.
My mom in an attempt to curb his joking, said 'By the way, honey, the doctor said no sex for a month'
He responds instantly with 'Okay, what'd the dentist say?'
Took my mom a minute to get it.
- What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
- How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
- I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
- The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
- All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
- A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
- Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
- I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!
As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"
Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....
She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.
-
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
-
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
-
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
-
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
-
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
-
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
-
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
-
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
-
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
-
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
-
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
-
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
-
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
-
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
-
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
-
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
-
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
-
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
-
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
-
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
-
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
-
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
-
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
-
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
-
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
-
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
-
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
-
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
-
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
-
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
-
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
-
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
-
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡My wife, our newborn, and I came to the dentist for my wife's appointment. The Doctor leans over the front desk and starts making those noises women make when babies are seen.
Doc: awwww he's soooo cute! How's he doing?
Me: well actually doctor, that's why we're here. You see, he was born without teeth.. and we're kinda worried about that.
It took them (the doctor, assistant, and my wife) a few seconds to realize I was trying (failing) to make a joke. You should've seen my big dopey smile :-)
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡