Looks like the Democrats are now the party of “A. Blinken.”
Why did Democratic senators boycott the nomination of the new Supreme Court justice?
They just couldn’t Barrett.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.
He kept things pretty low key.
Why is “beefstew” an unsafe password to use?
Because it’s not Stroganoff.
There's a term for people like Trump
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
Why was the mushroom the hit of the party?
Did you know the film “Speed” had no director?
If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...
Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
What did the handbag salesman say when he ran out of Camembert at his dinner party?
Sorry, we're all out of Guccis.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
How does Jesus make his Coffee?
What do snowmen call their offspring?
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
I'm at this party when all of a sudden this guy comes in and says "Hello I'm a builder."
I thought 'He knows how to make an entrance'.
But it turns out it was just a facade.
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
What kind of pet likes hiking and democratic socialism?
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
What is the angriest nut?
British people be like I'm bri ish
It's because they drank the t
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead
I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why was mushroom the life of the party?
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”
What do you call paper you can’t trust?
Last summer, I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of Terry Crews
I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.
I went to an archaeology party where they were looking for remains of a lower leg
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....
After my son’s team won the tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us to a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
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