Voting is democracy in action. Not voting is democracy inaction.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleazyDutcham
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rumblebully
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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What pan is the best to make sushi in?

Japan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Most-Stomach4240
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I threw up in the toilet
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, β€œI’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”

He said, β€œChange the batteries in your hearing aid”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
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I would date him in a heartbeat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_hagrid
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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In Texas it's illegal to serve pie without ice cream.

As a matter of Texan pride; remember the Γ  la mode.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hydrosimian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
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Fluffy camels are evil in Pakistan’s capital. I know what your asking...

Is llama bad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos

She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevor557
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

……..

Or just a low ha? Don’t downvote me πŸ₯ΊπŸ‘‰πŸ‘ˆ

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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I asked my wife to describe me in a few words

She said:

I'm mature

I'm moral

I'm polite

And, by and large, I'm perfect

Don't know why she then accused me of having "a fundamental incapability to understand the proper use of apostrophes and spacing" though....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpthomacePrime
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
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Anyone out there interested in buying my Delorean ? Great condition, low mileage..

really only driven from time to time..

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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My friend keeps saying β€œCheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EightRules
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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I Started Reading A Horror Story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?

With a cowculator!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSnohthathurt
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimvandashian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is???

Every time I ask someone, they tell me "it's private."

πŸ‘︎ 886
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyOnABison
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
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What is the fastest growing city in the world?

Capital of Ireland

It's Dublin everyday

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeaPanties
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Von_Bostaph
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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People in Dubai don’t like The Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do.

πŸ‘︎ 879
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea saw!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsNikolaiWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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People in Athens hate getting up early.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,

β€œthank you for your cervix.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?

Bob

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaNullman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.

Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverrat423
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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I've started a boat building business in my attic...

...sails are going through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xholdsteadyx
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikolai_G
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Just saw this in r/casualuk
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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My wife has started doing lunges to get in shape

It's a big step forward for her

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImprudentGoose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7keletor
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.)

2.)

3.)

πŸ‘︎ 379
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DokCyber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JenivereDomino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

IM LIVID

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonehengeisamyth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tieyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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3 in 1
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehawkplays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?

Because it'll blow his cover

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_tally
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt

The man says to the bartender β€œ1 for me, and 1 for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii

Or just a low ha?

πŸ‘︎ 508
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasko_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw.

πŸ‘︎ 915
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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