David Safier Puns

Der Tag, an dem ich starb, hat nicht wirklich Spaß gemacht. Und das lag nicht nur an meinem Tod. Um genau zu sein: Der schaffte es gerade so mit Ach und Krach auf Platz sechs der miesesten Momente des Tages. Auf Platz fünf landete der Augenblick, in dem Lilly mich aus verschlafenen Augen ansah und fragte: "Warum bleibst du heute nicht zu Hause, Mama? Es ist doch mein Geburtstag!"

Auf diese Frage schoss mir folgende Antwort durch den Kopf: "Hätte ich vor fünf Jahren gewusst, dass dein Geburtstag und die Verleihung des Deutschen Fernsehpreises mal auf einen Tag fallen würden, hätte ich dafür gesorgt, dass du früher zur Welt gekommen wärst. Mit Kaiserschnitt!"

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

When I got home, they were still there.

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

It really does, I swear!

Bob

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

“BOOM”?!

"That's what they're fighting about."

Because his Visa didn’t work.

free

Because the audience only responds in a low ha

A happy Uncle.....

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

I’d never seen him be 4.

Ice-olation.

She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭