A list of puns related to "Dad Jokes That Aren't"
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
This would be a dad sub
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.
Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.
It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car
How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit
What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka
What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉
Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid
Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS
Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in
Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee
Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee
Pig black belt in karate Pork chop
How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.
You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.
I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out
What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant
did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio
What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe
Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.
My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief
Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th
... keep reading on reddit ➡Necessary Terminology: Toonie= Canadian $2 Coin
Friend's Facebook Status: "Laundromats aren't so bad when you find a toonie in the drier."
I commented: "If the drier cost $2, you could call it a wash!"
I was sort of proud of my dad-joke, so later that day, I told my dad the story.
Dad: "Do you think she'll be arrested?" Me: "No, why?" Dad: "For Money Laundering"
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
Here's what I am not looking for:
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡There's no whey they could have that much protein
You curdnt make a worse joke
Gordon rennet
I'm gonna loose my rind soon
Ewe, these puns are udderly ridiculous
You're milking it for all its worth
There's been a real montery lack of jokes recently
There's a real lactose of jokes recently
These jokes are starting to grate on me now
These jokes aren't gouda
Are you gonna put these on rennet?
I can't breelieve you're still making jokes
Dad, it's your turn, though you should have made a joke whey back
edayumDayumDAAAYUM
How much cheddar is the bill gonna be?
Hope these jokes made you truckle!
My husband and I aren't planning on kids just yet, but he'll be great with the dad jokes if we ever have some.
A few weeks back, he called to ask if I needed anything from the store on his way home from work. I said no, and he followed that up with the random observation, "Hey, there's horses over there!"
I was initially confused, because the way he said it made it seem like they were in the road, and asked, "...what are they doing?"
There was a brief pause and he said, "Oh... just horsing around in a field."
I immediately hung up.
Edit: A word.
It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a "dadness" to them but I always brushed it off until this day.
As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say:
"Don't worry, she's friendly...(smirk level at maximum)...oh and the dog is too."
My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, "It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids?"
Girlfriend enthusiastically says, "See! Not funny dad jokes!"
From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny. And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit.
Nurse: Aren't you hot in there?
Grandpa: I haven't gone to hell just yet.
Nurse: laughs Where are your feet?
Grandpa: At the end of me legs.
This was in 1998. He was bundled up in some blankets, and the nurse was about to change his socks. And yes, he said 'me legs'. Not sure if that qualifies as a dad joke exactly, but it's a fond memory.
I liked this sub a lot more when there was less traffic and mostly just text submissions. Now half of what I see is just shitty facebook screens shots that are almost guaranteed to be fake and aren't even considered a 'dad joke'.
Anyone else notice how this sub has exploded over the past 2 or 3 months?
Me: Did you see that new documentary on Constipation?
The Dad: What?
Me: It hasn't come out yet...
The Dad: Hahaha. That's a hard one.
Me: lol, indeed
The Dad: That's straining.
Me: You're pushing it, [The Dad].
The Dad: I'm not even close to being finished yet!!
Me: You are really stuck on them, aren't you?
The Dad: I am just so impacted by all this.
Me: I just can't get a good joke out...
The Dad: Oh, It's out now... I just can't drop it.
Me: lol. You may be the king of puns...
The Dad: It's an over thirty Dad thing...
His Wife: Yeah, you are full of it.
I was reading the top of all time dad jokes on this subreddit to my suite mates in Cortland. They do not appreciate the genius associated with these jokes. Wittiness is not their forte. So I decided to dad joke them myself. And dad joke them I did. They told me (after reading about 3), "These aren't funny at all Mike." I retaliated with "That's because you're not dad material." Again, no laughs, nor regrets.
Because he didn't see that well!
I told my dad a joke that went something like this: "You know what they say about broken pencils. They're pointless!" and unfortunately he didn't laugh at my lame joke. So I said "C'mon dad, that was funny. I'm funny" and he says "Yeah, but looks aren't everything." Thanks, dad.
My dad always told this joke when I was a kid and just curious to see if anyone's heard it:
So this piece of rope walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a whiskey"
Bartender says "we don't serve pieces of rope here, get out!"
so the piece of rope leaves and comes back and this scenario plays out 10 more times.
Finally the piece of rope slinks up to the bar and says "Bartender give me a whiskey!"
the Bartender denies him again and throws him out.
the piece of rope ties himself up, flares out his edges and strides back in one more time and shouts "Bartender give me a whiskey!"
the Bartender says "aren't you that same piece of rope I keep throwing out of here!"
Piece of Rope says "Nope, I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)
On a long car ride to the shore, I had to tell my younger brother to use his indoor voice to which he responded that we aren't indoors. My sister proceeded to count "1...2...3...4!" and said, "What are you talking about, we're inside the car and it has four doors." I made sure to let her know how proud I was of her and that I was happy someone other than myself made a dad joke.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.