A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Little know fact - Jesus was fully prepared to be crucified.

He was cross-training.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist...?

Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist who planted a bomb on the train? He had loco motives.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a train made out of bubble gum

A chew chew train

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πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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I’m going to open a KPOP themed discotheque....

.... and I’m going to call it, β€œSeoul Train”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I want to train a dog to make bank deposits

Training them to make withdrawals just seems a bit too far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/General-Nonsens3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How does someone become a conductor?

They train.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaBabyDuck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of Pikachus doing a conga line?

A chu-chu train!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiRRoundNotSquare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puking_is_gucci
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the conductor visit Florida?

For Spring Training!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andytheg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
If you’re teaching a new plumber the ropes of the trade you’re technically…

Potty training

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RICKDOGG424
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
You know why locomotive always win with the car?

Because all they do is training

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soviet_Aircraft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine just said to me β€œI’m training to be garbage man”

I said β€œYou don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was Thomas the tank engine out of breath?

He was training all day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whippymcdumbass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead.

Either way, he is cross training.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas is ruined!

I've just seen Chris Rea get off a train

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cunningstunt80
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a train conductor and a teacher?

One minds the train while the other trains the mind.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldenpike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When God was handing out brains

I thought he said trains and I missed mine

When he was handing out noses

I thought he said roses so I asked for a big red one

and he gave it me too

When he was handing out willies

I thought he said chillies

So I asked for a small hot one

Please add more below.......................

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Three groups of people were travelling

A group of English folks, a group of French and a group of Spaniards.

They all needed to get to Germany, but couldn't agree on a mode of transport.

So the English drove, the French took the train and the Spanish flew.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlassDeviant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Plain little pun

Why did the guy with gluten allergy skip leg day?

'Cause he couldn't train his glutes!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VectorV96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...

He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:

"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPossible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Playing the long game

Life Goals:

Have a daughter

Name her 'Dearly'

Train her to be an accountant

Employ her at my business

Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.

EDIT: Spelling

πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about that train trip that John Lennon took?

A: Did you hear about that train trip that John Lennon took?

B: No, what was the trip for?

A: To see his wife. It was a Yoko motive.

(original)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmkay_then
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when encountering a bear

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepenaman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.

I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyinDanskMen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of vehicle always sneezes?

Achoo choo train!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RespectfulRat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad trained his dog to sniff rocks and bark when it found a fossil.

It's a trained barkeologist.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the Italian railway so efficient?

Because all the trains run on thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the locomotive so fit?

He is always training

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"

So I say, "It's been training"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a train made out of chewing gum?

A chew chew train

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Tomas like bubble gum?

Because he is a chew chew train

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brizzhizz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a railway joke....

But I lost my Train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianTrainFan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a train that carries bubble gum?

Chew chew train.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/not_flexy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why someone with ADHD could never be a train conductor?

They always lose their train of thought

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 416
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report

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