It's time we had a talk about the birds and the D's.
I nearly failed the class but bare with me..
My wife is very upset with me. She found some letters I’d been hiding. She says she feels betrayed and has lost all trust in me..
I can’t say I blame her; I feel so ashamed…
I wouldn’t be surprised if she never plays Scrabble with me again.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
This morning my daughter was having trouble putting on her shoes and starting to throw a tantrum.. I asked her if she’d like me to put them on
They didn’t fit me very well
A guy with a frog on his head walks into a bar. The bartender stares and says “Where’d you get that?”
“It started as a wart on my butt” says the frog.
A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#. He goes to the doctor and tells him this.
The doctor says The damage looks to B minor.
Need stitches? Either see a doctor, or save money and D.I.Y. ....
I was arguing with a flat-earther the other day, and he stormed off, saying how he’d show me the edge of the Earth.
I’m sure he’ll come around.
My mom said she could recreate the Princess and the Pea trick but she’d make it harder and sleep between layers. The next morning she was dead.
I was charged with matricide.
A woman goes to the Butcher and says, “I’d like an oxtail please.”
“Certainly” replies the Butcher, “Once upon a time there was an ox”
A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing. The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?” “Between the first and second hole”, she answers.
The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.
I was visiting my hillbilly relatives and they told me, in my honor, they’d be serving Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner….I said “sounds fancy and exotic, where did you get the rabbit?
Ma said it weren’t no big deal, “they found Himalayan on the road out front!”
Big shoutout to all the L&D nurses and expectant mothers in the US
I got my girlfriend into TikTok, and promised I’d make her viral
A few weeks later, her doctor confirmed it
I work as a janitor and my boss said he’d fire me if I didn’t stop turning everything into an R.E.M parody.
I said “Well that’s pee in the corner…”
I got a PhD in rap and washing clothes.
H. Clinton and D. Trump are in a boat, the boat springs a leak, who is saved?
The United States of America
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
What's the difference between a vitamin D deficiency and a vitamin Deficiency?
Some people say that urinals are useless and sexist, but I’d disagree.
They really streamline the process.
My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “I’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”
The librarian scolds him, “Sir, this is a library!”
The man looks around apologetically to the other patrons, leans close to the librarian, and whispers,
^(“Sorry! I’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”)
Klaus keeps sleeping with my wife and I’d like him to stop… so how do you say please in German?
Bitte.
Yes I guess I am, but I thought I’d be polite about it.
I went to McD’s and ordered 2 Large Fries
I ended up with about 100 tiny ones instead
I use a D-lock to secure my bike and a C-lock...
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
I have a friend who just finished her PhD in Botany. Instead of math and statistics, her dissertation is full of pictures of exotic plants.
She sure has a lot of photos in thesis.
My son got detention for misbehaving in P.E. The P.E. teacher told him he had to write an essay in the form of a report about a cricket match and he couldn’t leave until he’d finished it.
Less than 5 minutes later my son handed the essay in to the bemused teacher, and left detention.
The essay simply said:
“rain stopped play”
they said he’d be taller than me and i didn’t believe them
but when i saw him, i understood
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
Hundreds of thousands of pigeons and doves have gathered in Washington D.C.
Authorities are concerned they are staging a coo.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Back in the 70s and 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...
Wow, I’m really dating myself.
My buddy and I were discussing foods; which ones we liked and which ones we didn’t. He said he’d had a hard time getting into bananas.
I told him that you had to peel the outer layer.
I miss my deceased father and his dadjokes, so I figured I’d text him.
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
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