What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
We once were questioning a perp who wouldn't say anything without his coarse file with cutting points instead of lines. After getting it, he immediately confessed...
The guy cutting my pizza asked me if I wanted it in 6 or 8 slices...
I told him 6, I didn't think I could eat 8 slices.
My dad hurt himself cutting wood when he was younger and does't like to talk about it.
When asked, he just says "Sorry, it's Hitachi subject."
I went to go get a haircut and they ended up cutting it way too short
I didn't like it, but it started to grow on me
Was complaining to a friend about my to do list. He suggested a way of instantly cutting it in half...
With Scissors!
My Dad sense of humor appreciated this.
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
The sexual tension is so intense it could cut through steal.
Tree before it gets cut down: wait! I'm a talking tree!
Lumberjack: and you will dialogue
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
How does the moon cut its hair?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
When a simple "Bye!” just doesn't cut it
I went and got my hair cut today, but I can't remember it
I think she spiked my hair
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!
Some asshole cut off both my arms and a leg a while ago. But it's ok...
...I don't hold crutches.
I just had to cut my own hair and I'm not really happy with it...
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
A man walks into the pizza shop and orders a pizza. The worker asked if he wanted it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
The man said 4 because he probably wasn’t going to eat 6.
I cut my tongue so badly it needs surgery to fix!
I can't tell you how much it hurts!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Well I mean I would be mad...
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.
He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation
like when you have to change someone's mind.
I thought of a carpentry joke.
I just wasn’t sure if it woodwork.
If you chop down a tree in the forest, but it doesn't understand why you cut it down
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
I once cut myself in an Apple store
It was because of the cutting edge technology.
A lumberjack was about to cut off a tree when it suddenly said "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."
How does the moon cut its hair?
I can cut a piece of wood by staring at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
I didn't believe it when my son said I could cut a log in half by just looking at it.
But then I saw it with my own two eyes.
I can cut down a tree by just looking at it
It’s true I saw it with my own two eyes
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
How does the moon cut its hair?
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped?
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