Comprehensive Peace Agreement Puns

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

Tell it upstairs.

Kids meals only $150.

you will be mist

If you are wondering how I know this, it's because olive random trivia

Now if only I could figure out who the parents are...

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car was when he drove over the cliff

This was an act of wonton destruction.

I just couldn't accept all those perms and conditions!

I can't stand sitting.

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

“One beer please,” says the crab. “But if I am not satisfied I will require a full refund. You may dispute my claim that the beer wasn’t satisfactory at which point we can move to an arbitration process. This agreement is also only between us and I expect full confidentiality.”

“Sure,” says the bartender. “But why the big clause?”

There is a Santa clause.

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

I mean, it's borderline insane.

I Am Grout

May he restaurant in peace

I hope this type of post is allowed!

I am going to visit my grandma this Tuesday to say goodbye to her. She is 87 and very ill, she is mentally still with it but in a lot of pain. She sounds at peace, I think she is just doing her best to hang on til we can get to her.

My grandma loves stupid jokes, dad jokes, puns, all that stuff. I’d love to share some laughs with her when I say goodbye. Hit me with your favorite and dumbest dad jokes and I will share the best ones with her.

Thank you Reddit fam!

Shorts

She told me I could have all the cultured dairy and preserved fruit products I could ever want, if I would only marry her and sign an agreement promising to give it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legend of the Prenup Butter and Jelly Sand Witch

Rest on peace.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

But it was a false Salaam.

Any time a restaurant server asks me "how did you find your meal?", I reply, "I looked on the table and there it was."

My Wife hates me.

...unlike the rest of the people in the car who probably died screaming, “Irene! Irene! Wake up! Wake Up!!

... he was zen-ophobic!

They like to beat the crowds.

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

Rust in peace.

"Who's watching Peace TV?"

You will be mist

Not like the people screaming in his car

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

...you ignore it all and click, "I agree"!

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

You will be mist.