A list of puns related to "Come On Down"
It becomes tearable
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
Because it soots him.
Lone Ranger: “Tonto, it looks like we’re surrounded!”
Tonto: “Who ’we’ white man?”
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was like "come on, don't Kikkoman when he's down"
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy klooked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"
Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another
... keep reading on reddit ➡Atop a mountain was a water slide with a sign next to it that reads "This is a magic slide. Whatever you say on the way down the slide, will appear at the bottom"
Three people, after several days of climbing the mountain, come across this slide.
The first person jumps at the opportunity, darts straight for the slide and shouts "moneeeeeeyyyyyy" all the way down. Reaching the bottom, they land in a huge pool of money.
The second person, who loves a drink, starts to slide down and says "vodkaaaaaaaaaaa"
Sure enough, they land in a pool of vodka.
The third person, unable to read, just gets on the slide to follow his friends and starts to descend, put their hands in the air and shout "weeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(To cap it off, for teenagers) there's a fourth person who was solo climbing, they got to the top of the mountain and didn't notice the sign and tripped on it, falling down the slide screaming "shiiiiiiiiiiit"
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they got together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from my Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I grabbed my holy water bottle, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb! The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, '"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle holy water! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to the bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in bed in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
One day a father and son got recruited into this race where they had to overcome a challenge: build a small toy boxcar that is only powered by an animal. It would be them and another team. The other team was lucky, they had hamsters as pets so naturally chose those. All this son and father had were fish and some small snails.
They got to designing and the irony of using snails for a fast car was not lost on them but they persevered. They discovered that the race track would be down the town hill. They got thinking and discovered that the slime trail the snails left was quite slick so they decided they would grease the cars axles with the slime and it was phenomenal how fast their car would go but they still doubted it would beat the other team. After all they had hamsters AND gravity.
The day of the race came and they saw that the other team had hooked up their hamster wheel to the axels and dangled some lettuce in front. Oh how fast those hamsters ran! Disappointment hung heavy on the father and son but they continued to apply those snails to the axles. The officials came by and marked the racers: an H for hamster and an S for snail. People placed bets and sniggered at how easy of a bet it was. Everybody held chips marked H for the clear winner except the father and son who held seemingly the only S tokens in the crowd. Still the father and son applied those snails to those axles on that S-marked racer.
The time of the race had come! The pistol shot and the cars went. H was in the lead easily right after the pistol. After all, hamsters are excellent accelerators. But something miraculous happened. At the very last moment S caught up, the snail slime finally working it's magic. In the last 50 feet it seemed the snails would win! As they gained and gained the father and son began jumping and whooping and as the snails and the hamsters approached within throwing distance of the finish line the son couldn't contain his excitement and yelled out
"S Car, Go!"
"I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major drinking session. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar.", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡So there was a man who really loved his tractors. All of his life were about tractors. He had posters, DVD's and owned a lot of tractors. This man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors. It was his lovely wife. One day, she was out on the fields and got crushed by a tractor. The man tried to save her but with no luck. She was killed by a tractor.
This man, despite his love of tractors, he got rid of everything. The posters he burns. The DVD's he throws them in the bin. The tractors he sells.
It takes him a while but he finally gets over his wife and he goes on a date with a new woman.
So they are in this fancy restaurant and they enjoy their food. But all of the sudden a lot of smoke comes out of the kitchen. It spreads through the entire restaurant. Everyone panics and no one can get fresh air, so they run out.
The man says: "calm down, I got this". He sucks all of the smoke in, runs outside and blows it all out. He has cleared all of the smoke in the restaurant. He comes back in and continues his meal. His date is surprised and impressed and says: "How did you do that?". Then he answers:
I am an extractor fan
Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, “Good morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”
“Okay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”
“No, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”
“Oh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. “
Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying “I think this will suffice.”
Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says “this is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, “Bob can you come in here for a second?”
“What’s up Patty?” The manager asks.
“Kermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Of course” Bob responds. “It’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit ➡One evening, three strings are hanging out looking for something to do. They eventually decide to go to the local pub for a beer. Before walking in, one string says, “Wait a moment…I heard that they don’t serve strings here…we better find something else to do”.
“Nonsense!”, says the first string. “Just follow me.”
They walk in and approach the bar. The first string confidently says, “Good evening sir. May I please order three beers for me and my mates?”.
The bartender looks at them dubiously and asks, “Wait a second….aren’t you strings?”.
The strings nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here…Get out!”.
The strings dejectedly walk back onto the street, and the second string says, “Hey I’ve got an idea. Follow me”.
They walk back up to the bar and the second string says, “Good evening sir. I’d like to order three beers, plus drinks on the house for everyone!”.
A small cheer goes up among the other bar patrons, and the bartender smiles and turns to fill the order, but then stops. “Wait a minute…aren’t you strings?”, he asks.
Again, they nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here….Get out, and don’t come back!”.
The strings slink back out once again. At this point, the third string says, “I’ve got it!”.
He flips upside down and rubs his head on the sidewalk until it’s sticking up all willy nilly, and ties himself into a knot. He then strides up to the bar and says, “Bartender! Get me a beer!”.
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Aren’t you a string?”.
The string then stares him straight in the eyes and says, “I’m a frayed knot”.
I don’t mean to be a Grinch and impede on the holiday spirit. However, those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has red and blue flashing lights?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. Happy Holidays🎄.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
I politely told him he had the wrong number and that I hoped he found the right number.
A few hours later the doorbell rang so, I went and answered, and it was an elderly fellow. I asked how I might help him, and he replied that he was sure his son lived at this address. I assured him that it was only my wife and I, asled if he was the respectable chap whom had called me earlier. He said yes,, and insisted this was his son's home. Well, what are you gonna do? So, I told him to come on in and see for himself.
We walked around the house, main floor, basement, second floor, and he wanted wanted go into the attic. I didn't think he would make it up the steep stairs of the pull down hatch. So, I went up amd told him there was nothing.
Disappointed, the elderly fellow walked to the door, and said, "well, looks like yer gonna have to throw me out, because I don't want to leave".
Well that's not gonna fly, my wife would not be happy to return home from work and see a strange old man refusing refusing leave.
I said yes, I am throwing you out sir. So, I opened the door, amd ushered him out. He shuffled down the walk, to the curb and around the corner.
30 minutes later, the doorbell rang again, so, I answered it. And believe it or not, it was the elderly man again. He said he wanted to apologize, did so, then left.
As he was walking away I put the pieces together of what had happened. This elderly fellow, having rung my doorbell, having me throwhim out, and his final return, I realized, a boomer rang me, I threw him out, and he came back.
Thought of this one a while ago and had forgotten it.Yer welcome. :)
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is
... keep reading on reddit ➡So there’s this guy, and his car breaks down on the side of the road. He keeps waiting for help, but it never comes, and he ends up dying in his car. After he dies, he gets to heaven, and he demands an audience with God. He say, “God, I’ve been a good man. I’ve always gone to church, I took care of my fellow man, I helped the poor. Why weren’t you there for me when I needed you?!” God looked down and slowly shook his head and said, “My son… I’ve been trying to reach you regarding your vehicle’s extended warranty.”
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Dads (and teachers) know already that puns are a great way to increase kids' vocabulary. But it's increasingly obvious to me that forums like this can also be a tool for teaching sensitivity, and getting out of your "bubble" to gain a more informed perspective on differing opinions and cultures.
With that in mind, let's all of us, dads or not, keep in mind the global audience this forum has. I've come to terms with NSFW posts and comments - IMO it's up to parents to regulate what their kid reads. It's more about tone, and cultural or gender slurs. That's the dark side of humor that brings people down, whereas a solid pun or a smilie can add much-needed levity to someone's life :-).
That's all. /dad
^^Edit: ^^fix ^^incomplete ^^sentence
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him...... "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
A cat goes down to his local bar and sits at the counter. The bar tender walks over and asks the cat what will it be? The cat replies " Me thirsty. Me take a beer". Puzzled at the cats response the bartender says OK and fetches him a drink. The bartender comes back with the order and places the drink on the table.
The cat grabs the drinks and says, " Me thank you ". At this point the bartender realizes the cat speaks in 3rd person and thought nothing of it.
He tells the cat that the drink will be 5 dollars. The cat acknowledges the bartender and stands up to reach for his wallet out of his pocket. As he reaches down into his pocket a stranger walking by accidentally steps on the cats foot which caused the cat to shriek in pain.
"ME OW! ME OW! ME OW!"
A little bit of Background information: When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner. Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion! He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really. However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business. The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this! My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.
Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago. I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency. Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.
After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his. At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed. He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement, his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these. I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.
So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there. Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job! Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month! At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life. You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you" I never realized how freeing it
... keep reading on reddit ➡A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.
My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked “Hey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said “I don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for “being a smart ass”.
I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask “Hey dad, where do you think those come from.”
On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said “Well would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.
TLDR: My dad: “Where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: “I don’t know. Home Depot?”
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡A man has three dogs. The 1st is named Max. The 2nd, named Brutus, and the third named Clarice. One day, the owner comes home to find his childhood stuffed animal in pieces on the floor, cotton strewn about everywhere. In an effort to find out who the culprit is he lines up his three dogs. Looking at them he asks the 1st, “Max, did you do this?” Max wagged his tail and didn’t move from his spot. The owner looks over to the third, Clarice, who has taken it upon herself to lay down for some naps. As he looks into the middle of the two, he can see a tuft of cotton escaping from his snout and exclaims: “Pet two, Brutus?”
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
At a funeral, a man approaches the wife of the deceased husband.
The man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot".
Soon after, another man also comes to her and says, "May I say a word?"
"Yes", the mourning woman answers.
"Bargain", the man then sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a great deal to me".
Another man comes to her as well, and asks,
"Do you mind if I say a few words?"
"Go on", she answers.
Then the man says, "a few words"
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
And just run with it.
The husband looks at his food and says "what the heck is this?"
the wife says "it is rice and broccoli, your favorite..."
the husband replies "yeah, but the rice looks gross"
the wife says "Its not gross, it's just brown rice, it's much healthier than white rice"
the husband says "brown rice is disgusting. It tastes terrible and I would never put it anywhere close to my mouth"
the wife pleads "come on Honey, just try it and you'll like it"
the husband yells "I HATE BROWN RICE!"
the wife breaks down and cries "I can't believe it... all these years and I never realized I was married to a ricist!"
They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.
The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.
"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.
They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel
... keep reading on reddit ➡They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.