Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
If you fellow dadjokers haven't seen this, it's basically a movie full of dadjokes. :)
"We're all here to help you...now it's time to let us." (while he points to a leaf of lettuce)
I suggest watching it immediately. :)
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
Why did the student throw a 64 pack of Crayola crayons at his art teacher after he was done with his test?
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
I swapped all of my roomates herbs with his spices
He hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter
Then again, I get where he’s coming from.
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?
What do you call a fruit with lots of emotion?
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
I saw my math teacher with a sheet of graph paper eatlier
I think he’s plotting something
My husband says he is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
Ever heard of the god with low self-esteem?
I like jokes with a lot of soul in them.
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
The Heinz company came out with a pair of eyeglasses.
They claim it will make your vision 57/57
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
A press conference was held with the lead of the school's administration about bullying
He said it has to be stopped, it's a matter of principal
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
[not a pun] need help with a punny name for my wife’s meatballs
Hey /r/puns! My wife is entering a meatball cook off this weekend and needs a name for her entry. Neither of us have the same meat naming talents as Bob Belcher, but thought you guys might be able to help.
She is making a lamb meatball with a creamy orange Moroccan sauce served over a small bed of couscous.
Why are people with dairy allergies afraid of horses?
During a soccer game, one of the players hit a bird with the ball
The Referee said it was a Fowl.
During the French Revolution thousands of people met their end with the blade of the guillotine, including King Louis XVI
He should have quit while he was a head
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
I've been building a lot of LEGO sets with my kids lately.
I'm happy to say I've been having an AFOL time!
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.
Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!” I shot back...
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