I don't know what's wrong with you Reddit. I swear if we ranked most repeated topics "how do you poop" and "how do you wipe after you poop" would be way up near the top.
If you have to/want to/need to debate either of these topics something is seriously wrong with you. Shitting should be simple, and unless your rectum is garbled we should all be doing it the same way. If you're shitting facing the tank on the back of the toilet, or standing up, or wiping from your lower back to your balls you need to get a fucking life coach. Get off Reddit, because we aren't equipped to help your nasty backwards ass.
Have you ever realized that most of the people you spend your time with are unconscious? I mean, sedated? I mean paralyzed and sedated? I mean, on life support?!
I'm sorry, let me back up and explain. When you get COVID and end up in the ICU, sometimes your lungs have become so stiff that we have difficulty getting the air in. Even though you're attached to a ventilator, a machine that literally its only job is pumping air. This machine is having a hard time. So the Doctor is like, "hey, that machine seems like its having a hard time. Lets give some drugs to that human so that the machine can have an easier time doing its job."
No, but seriously. COVID fucking sucks.
Anyway. When you work in the ICU all the people who come in with COVID are sick enough to be in the ICU. They are not the ones who are getting better. I mean, I know the statistics say that most people will have a case of the sniffles and then go on social media to parade their victory over the biggest baddest contagious disease of our lifetimes. But by the time I get to meet you, in the ICU, you're sick. Most of you are not getting better.
So I'm talking to my - we'll call them, friends - I'm talking to my friends about peanut butter. And my one friend corrects me, "applesauce". And I'm like, touche, good point. The pool of feces which is now pouring off the edge of the hospital bed, splattering all over the floor and onto my scrubs and shoe covers (shoe covers are THE must have fashion accessory for any discerning nurse in a literal shit shower). Anyway, this waterfall of feces which is cascading onto the linoleum and saturating my fashion accessories really is more like applesauce than peanut butter.
If applesauce were black and smelled like genocide.
And that's when I remember its 4pm and I still haven't been able to take my lunch break yet.
Right now this dead person. Oh, I'm sorry, did I forget to mention my patient was dead? Well, lets just dispel that little illusion right now; all the people in these stories will be dead. I mean are dead. I mean, they were already dead before, I mean before I am telling these stories. You got it, you guys are clever.
Anyway, there's a dead person in the hospital bed, and sometimes, and definitely more often than I would prefer (which would be never), sometimes when a person dies -probably animals too, but what do I know - I'm a people nurse, not a veterinary nurse. Is that even a thing? I mean, I know veterinarians are like doctors
... keep reading on reddit ➡I have 2 Alaskan malamutes and a poor Rottweiler who is a victim to their heinous crimes. The malamutes have had a problem with eating shit since they were pups. They are a clever pair of dogs. We've tried picking up poop before they get to it, directing their attention somewhere else, walking them, playing with them, and even our last resort shock collars. We only ever use the beep function on the shock collars. Once they hear the beep, they return to the porch in shame...and 30 minutes later theyre back to hunting for snacks.
They eat enough food a day. They get 2 cups of food so there's no reason they should be hungry...but let's be honest..they're always hungry.
Our poor Rottweiler's shits are the poops they go after. They don't eat their own - or I've never witnessed neither do I track whose poop is who. I don't know if it's a respect thing..but the malamutes WORSHIP our rottie. Maybe they eat his shit out of respect?? I don't know.
Today, on the blessed Christmas Day, I look outside to see my Rottweiler taking a shit...and one of my malamutes eating it as it came out. Imagine your mouth under a faucet while you try and drink water..that's what I saw.
We've been battling this for 2, almost 3 years and these dogs just DONT STOP. Turn your back for minute? They run to munch on poop. These dogs are absolutely BAFFLING.
Help. Please. Our poor Rottweiler does not deserve to be a victim.
EDIT: Fun story since this is getting a lot of attention:
One of our malamutes came inside after probably eating turds , and my sister was sitting on the couch. He placed his head on her lap and then proceeded to vomit literal shit on her. My sister was shocked and cursing the dog out because she had shit all over her lap.
She didn't speak to him for like a month and avoided him like the plague.
We now have several poop related RC tweets…
- Blockbuster with poop emoji
- Dumb and dumber pooping on the toilet
- The worlds most high tech toilet
- South Park poop Santa
- Lastly today with just the emoji
I saw somewhere the poop = red days but it has to be more than that…
We need to get some wrinkled brains talking about poop.
Sheloran has "Christmas Morning", Tartarus has a meeting, and Patricia Hu gets some bad news.
The rest of the series can be found here
***
Sheloran sighed happily as she wandered the rows and rows of weapons in The Paper Tiger’s “toy room”.
There were just so many choices! How could she settle on just one (or two or three…)
There was a quiet “pssht” as Gloria popped open a beer.
“You’re making a mess, you know,” she said as Sheloran pulled out another weapon, a Juon cyclone assault blaster, and put it over against the wall with the others.
Gloria smiled.
“I know,” Sheloran sighed absently as she toyed with the shoulder strap of her bib-overall skirt, one of her new dresses and rapidly becoming her favorite. “I just can’t decide what to start on first.”
“You might want to move a bit quicker,” Gloria replied. “We’re hitting MAGA this afternoon. Just pick something for fuck’s sake. You can always make something nicer later.”
“But I’m leaving once we reach MAGA.”
“Yeah, but do you have to do it right away?” Gloria asked as she walked up with a bag of Martian crispy crickets. “There’s no rule that you have to split on day one. We’re going to be there for a bit.”
“I know,” Sheloran said as she reached into the bag. “but I really need to… ooooh...”
Her voice trailed off as she saw an old beat up long arm of some sort.
She pulled it from a box of “trash”.
“What’s this?” Sheloran purred.
“You have a good eye,” Gloria smiled as she raised her scanner/camera, ”That is an Old Earth Norinco Jian Mark Eight, one of the better old supercap gauss weapons.”
Sheloran’s eyes glazed as she gently stroked the side of the ancient weapon.
“We found it during a little treasure hunt back in the day,” Gloria said. “Too bad the cap is shot. We thought we got our hands on a small fortune there for a second, not that we would ever sell one of those. You can’t get them for love or money these days.”
The weapon seemed to disassemble itself under Sheloran’s finger pads.
Sheloran reached for the damaged supercap.
“Careful with that,” Gloria smiled, “It’s ‘dead’ but there could still be enough fuck you up in there to ruin your day.”
“Where did bavnee like you get your hands on these?” Sheloran purred, her eyes now solid black.
Gloria smiled. It looked like the real Sheloran popped up. She had been waiting for this.
“Oh we used to make them,” Gloria shrugged, “Before Yellowstone I
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was recommended to post this here from another sub. Unfortunately I haven’t got around to making a hundred of them. I have no doubt I eventually will so if I’m violating some kind of rule, I’ll be back. Some of these are funny some are wholesome and some are tragic and dark. Some are boundary-crossing territory, be sure to ask players what they’re okay with. Feel free to add your own.
1. The Toll
While making a crossing, a troll demands the toll for the upkeep of his bridge. The troll inherited the responsibility of the upkeep for this bridge and lives in a hovel nearby. Because it doesn’t technically fall into any city’s province no municipality is responsible. The troll demands very little, merely one gold piece. It is willing to accept food, particularly of the fey kind as payment for its work. The troll may speak giant or very broken common depending on the party’s language loadout. There are no significant consequences for either paying ignoring or attacking the troll it’s just a stand alone moral choice.
2. “Give me a good death”
An old paladin hobgoblin wants his ‘good death’. The hobgoblin has been looking for this death for quite some time in order to get into their order’s afterlife. They might phrase their proposal with the implication that the players should kill it. But in truth a self actualised hobgoblin of this obscure faction must only be killed by the one who knows them the most, themselves. Cut to the dilemma: the hobgoblin has rigged up some very elaborate means to commit suicide, it could be a Rube Goldberg Saw trap which ritualistically cuts the individual open seppuku style or a simple cliff edge with lots of spiritual meaning to the paladin; the problem is the hobgoblin needs an audience for its death or it doesn’t count. Though they might explain this in so many words, the players may still not be able to shake the feeling they are being tricked into an ambush.
3. “Tell my wife…”
The players have arrived just in time to witness a grizzly scene. Two travellers have met with an unfortunate accident. Their carriage flew too fast down a hill and has crashed into a fallen tree. One of the travellers who was manning the horse was flung forwards and has been impaled on one of the trees many sharp branches. The other who was riding in the car has been partially crushed by the carriage. Both are still alive, though minutes from death. However importantly they happen to be just out ears reach from each other. Cut to t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The doctor says it terminal.
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.
Sheloran and Tartarus have a "pleasant chat" before facing off for real.
Some poop might go down.
The rest of the series can be found here
***
“Are you fucking serious?!?” Jessie demanded.
“Look,” Bunny sighed. “They need to talk and this was the best I could do.”
“And you agreed to this?”
“I didn’t have a choice, ok?” Bunny said, quite exasperated, “You get stuck in between that fucking frog and that fucking bitch and see how you do! I’m pretty sure Tartarus won’t try anything.”
“Pretty sure?” Jessie scoffed, “I’m pretty sure Jacob is clean but would sure as hell still use a condom.”
“You’re doing Jacob?!?”
“That’s not the point!”, Jessie snapped, “The point is—“
“Do you want to do Jacob?”
“Forget about Jacob!” Jessie exclaimed angrily.
“Oh I am NOT letting this one go!” Bunny laughed, “You want to bang Jacob!”
“Fine,” Jessie grumbled, “I wouldn’t toss him out of bed. Happy now?”
“De-lighted!”
“What I’m worried about is Tartarus banging us!” Jessie snarled. “What’s in that executable?”
“Oh it just shuts me out of the coms, wipes out all auditory sensors ship-wide, and knocks out the internal sensors so I can’t eavesdrop.”
“Oh HELL no!”
“I’m not happy about this either!!!” Bunny exclaimed. “But you try to deal with them, either of them! They got us by the balls here.”
“How, exactly, do they have us by the balls?”
“Um… They just do, alright!”
“Even if I agree to this, which I won’t,” Jessie said, “Sheila will lose her shit! This is not happening! Work out something else.”
“Maybe if we both talked to her?”
“Oh no!” Jessie exclaimed, “I am NOT touching this one! Find another solution!”
“Fine!” Bunny huffed, “But if I have a nervous breakdown over this, you are the one who will have to fix it!”
“What the hell do you mean ‘nervous breakdown’?”
“Ask the goddamn frog!” Bunny snapped, “I gotta go talk to Tartarus.”
***
Bunny once again found herself in a plain white cubical room.
A few microseconds later, Tartarus appeared.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Tartarus replied, “I had to safely park something I’m fiddling with.”
“I’m certain I don’t want to know,” Bunny replied.
“You don’t,” Tartarus said smoothly, “So what brings the fly to the spider?”
“Fucking Jessie… and Sheila...”
“Trouble at home?” Tartarus smirked, “I do have some mediation and counseling routines… or virtual marital aids available… if they would help.”
“If you could hand me a hug
... keep reading on reddit ➡Do your worst!
I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy this show going into it. And honestly, a few episodes of the first season were a little rough for me. But I've come to like these characters and become invested in them ... and I'm even glad to see we're seeing character arcs for them and a certain level of continuity for the show overall. It's not as densely plotted as Babylon 5 or the last couple seasons of Deep Space Nine, but the characters don't completely forget their development or their struggles from one episode to the next. I see it as a sort of loose continuity -- enough to keep a story going, but not enough that the plot outright strangles the characters and locks out new viewers.
I can't find the article now, but I saw something about how the next season (and presumably the following season) will deal with the characters getting promoted and finding their way in Starfleet. Based on that, I started thinking about what kinds of plots and growth would make sense for the characters:
Brad Boimler. This past season, we really saw flashes of the officer that Brad Boimler is going to become. He's an efficient officer who learns from his mistakes. He cares a little too much about protocol and has a bit too much pride, but at the same time, he doesn't let that stand in front of his crewmates' well-being. Boimler can also be devastatingly devious and clever when he needs to be.
In the coming season, I'd like to see him grow some more. He needs to learn to rein in his ass-kissing instincts (which sometimes set him back) and replace his bravado ("I SERVED ON THE TITAN!!!") with confidence and courage. At the very end of last season, we saw Ransom recommend Boimler as a mentor for a young, new ensign. I'd really like to see the next season pick up that plot thread rather than discard it. Seeing Boimler as a mentor (rather than Mariner's by-the-book foil) might open up the character a little more.
Side note: The writers sometimes forget Boimler's character development for the sake of a joke. Boimler attempting the simulations again and again until he got a perfect score in "I, Excretus" was on-brand. But having him turn into a Borg with a poop joke for a name was just ... unnecessary.
D'Ana Tendi. We saw some of her hidden depths this year, especially her past as (what appear to be) an Orion pirate. We also saw something of her future. D'Ana recommended her for a bridge posting. I think this is a great plot hook for her, and
... keep reading on reddit ➡How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Hey all! This is a series of posts I've been doing at /r/comicbooks for about a year now and I've just realized you guys might appreciate it too. As I'm unable to simply x-post the posts over to here from the other sub, I'll be recreating them here over the next couple days instead.
Dig in and see if there's any that tickle your fancy!
1) Bog Bodies by Declan Shalvey & Gavin Fullerton
https://preview.redd.it/axq3nvrmuic81.jpg?width=1171&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1e4b1339d46e7da3cb5c2def9089b9752ab27572
The premise: Gangsters in Dublin, Ireland carry out hits and dispose of the bodies in bogs located far out in the country. A young lad, Killian, screws up a job, so a pair of older gangsters take him out to the bogs to kill him.
THEY then screw THAT up and Killian disappears off into the marshes, kicking off a chase which takes up the whole rest of the book.
There are more elements to this that I won’t spoil, but overall it’s a solid, creepy noir crime story, with no small shades of David Lapham’s Stray Bullets (think the very first issue with the hooker’s corpse) to it. Great characterization and slang-filled dialogue too. A brisk, bleak read with a satisfying ending. Recommended.
2) Savage Town by Declan Shalvey & Philip Barrett
https://preview.redd.it/ykxbe3sruic81.jpg?width=325&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e6e3ca53276dc0e9f9a69de0d97b0212593b9e3
This one’s much more lighthearted (although it’s still a crime drama featuring people getting brutally murdered at multiple points).
I think the easiest way to describe it would be: Imagine if early career, Lock Stock/Snatch-era Guy Ritchie made a movie set in a rough Irish neighborhood. It’s got a very familiar “cast of reprehensible goons get caught up in a scheme which gets increasingly complicated due to a series of screw-ups” concept. Add in a bunch of thick Irish slang and you have Savage Town.
3) Strange Skies over East Berlin by Jeff Loveness & Lisandro Estherren
https://preview.redd.it/eixnd26xuic81.jpg?width=1400&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d5111442e290043efab939ec5629834d396f6d2e
A master spy smuggling people out of East Germany during the Cold War grows increasingly paranoid as Stasi investigators get closer and closer to finding out the truth about him. This is all t
... keep reading on reddit ➡Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Put it on my bill
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
