Clever Lemonade Puns

This happened to me about ten years ago when I’d just turned 20 and was living in London.

I’m from Belfast in Ireland, and I will be the first to admit, I have a strong accent, and I’m proud of where I’m from, I absolutely can’t stand people trying to belittle me, or patronise me because of it, and when I lived in England it happened at least once a week, and almost always with middle aged white lads, either imitating me ‘how now brown cow’ or saying shite like ‘you’ll have to speak a bit slow-er Pat’, or asking me repeated inane questions like ‘Wot bit you from in Arland, our bit or their bit?’ and I’d say ‘no sweat to you, but none of it is ‘your’ bit.’

It was always with these particular sort of wee men and unfortunately I used to run into them all the time whether at work or in a bars smoking area, it melted my fuckin pan in so it did.

Anyway you get the drift, it drove me absolutely buck daft everytime it happened.

I needed a job, I was due to start a position in an International school but it didn’t begin until the term began in September so to get my rent in, I turned my hand to whatever I could get.

I answered an ad looking for a lemonade delivery man, and rang up, the fella said they were very short staffed and could I come in the next day.

Grand I thought, that’ll do.

They put me out with this old cunt called Henry who droned on all day long about how he was an ex-soldier and kept asking me questions on where I was from, as he put it ‘I served in Nohven Arland I’ve been all over the province’ but he was trying to find out what community I belonged to (Catholic/Nationalist or Protestant/Unionist) and I just gave him the vaguest responses because am I fuck telling one of those cunts my business.

However this bastard would not relent and kept on at me and on at me ‘What’s your surname?’ ‘Where’d you go to school?’ ‘Where do you live in Belfast, I hope it’s not the Falls, I hated those vicious paddies on the Falls’

(I am from the Falls).

Eventually I just said if he wanted to know about me so much he would have to go and ask the Boss as I registered my details with him in the morning and then I started asking him the questions he was asking me, back to him, and he said ‘oh think you’re a clever bastard do you? I dealt with enough like you in my time, you weren’t so clever after a trip to the barracks let me tell you.’

I’m sitting here thinking, what the fuck is this cunt on. The Troubles are over, mostly, and I’m fucking 20, I’m not in the

Hi All,

As it's show and tell weekend, I thought I'd post my perfume 'collection' on here. As some of you may know I review perfumes on here when I get chance, and have a particular fondness for Penhaligon's. Because of that, I've picked up a ton of their bottles. Whilst they have cost me a fair old penny, I've actually paid for the majority of them through clever ebaying, so this is a sideline hobby, as opposed to something that's cost me a fortune.

Anyway, let's run through them.

https://ibb.co/VVmCf75

Starting on the top row and working from backwards to front, and then left to right...

1. The Uncompromising Sohan - A rose/oud with a distinctive cumin note. Possibly the most in your face perfume I own - one for when you want to make an impression. Makes me feel 10ft tall...!

2. The Tragedy of Lord George - A neo-fougere based around a lavender shaving cream accord/tonka with a boozy top. Classy, modern and refined. Amazing bottle cap. Sometimes difficult to find the correct place to wear it (it feels too formal for a t-shirt, but perhaps too informal for a suit!).

3. The Impudent Cousin Matthew - A petitgrain based summer perfume. Smells incredible (and you could actually pick this up free on the Penhaligon's website when you spent over £75 recently). Longevity is the only issue I have with this one. It's superb.

4. Much Ado About The Duke - A slightly unusual gin/black pepper accord sitting alongside rose and cumin. Perhaps the most experimental of the Penhaligon's portraits. And another favourite of mine.

5. The Inimitable William Penhaligon - Definitely not experimental! Vetiver, ambroxan, jasmine. What it lacks in uniqueness it makes up for by just smelling so sodding good. Actually my most complimented perfume to the extent my boss once stopped a Skype meeting she was in to comment on it. Ha.

6. The Revenge of Lady Blanche. A green floral that I actually really enjoy wearing, despite the fact that Penhaligon's market this one as feminine. Clean, deep, somewhat shampoo-y in the base. Excellent.

7. Heartless Helen - A tuberose and ambroxan dominant perfume. Not necessarily original, and not the best in the Portraits range but still exceptionally wearable. There's also a slight tropical accord in there which I enjoy.

8. Terrible Teddy - Leather/Incense/Ambroxan. Loud and potent. Indeed, sometimes a little too loud and potent! I enjoy this one, but only when the occasion suits. A bit like wearing a leather jacket. Quite challenging as the

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What up Gamers.

There have been numerous DDs out so I figured I'd offer an alternative view as a GG (good game) discussion and perhaps provide some entertaining content. This should not to be taken as financial advice because I am quite retarded.

tldr; squeeze brokers with DRS to fill Infinity Pool with 100% float for MOASS go moonshot 🚀🚀

For months, I have seen the the battles waged by gamers and icecrown Shitadel:

• Wrinkly gamers dissecting boss mechanics & mapping out in-game systems (synthetics, darkpools, rrps, ftds, etrs, etc.)
• Game Designers (DTCC/CFTC/FINRA) keep changing/re-writing the rules to buff or strengthen icecrown Shitadel to prolong the game by can-kicking propped up markets
• Game Masters (SEC) watching porn and talk a big game but take no action <insert birdbox meme>
• Blatant fuckery that makes you want to rage quit but instead you BUCKLE UP & DOUBLE DOWN because you read the tweets of a chair man playing 4D chess

icecrown Shitadel, an intern's nightmare & base of Kenny Mayothil-Hands

For context: icecrown Shitadel is a dungeon or instance inside a Massively Multiplayer Online Game that makes Doge say WoW. It was one of my favorite places to raid averaging 420 hours a month on 369 days a year. What Kenny Mayothil-Hands & company don't realize is that I never got bored of raiding that instance.

In fact, I've got more than 15 years /played to prove it with more level-capped in-game characters than my wife and her boyfriend's account combined. Even though the daily grind was rough like my portfolio, gettin hit with red dildosticks.. well, I'm still here and I am not leaving.

Kenny Mayothil-Hands, boss at icecrown Shitadel. An unsophisticated financial parasite.

You see, I was never hardcore. So when the raids began on icecrown Shitadel shortly after January, I just focused on my daily quests: go to job, earn wages and trade for shares. I contributed to the factions (moviestonk & gamestonk) effort by purchasing more shares that ultimately debuffed or weakened the bosses. Time was always on my side, but not for Shitadel.

TIK TOK.

What I discovered early on was a little known, but powerful game mechanic called BUY & HODL from a Roarin

Your chance to view the main events from 52 Plus Joker's annual convention

THE 52 PLUS JOKER COLLECTORS CLUB

I've never been to a playing card convention. Probably you haven't either. But along with me, today you will. Each October an international playing card convention is organized in by 52 Plus Joker, the American Playing Card Collectors Club. But travel restrictions as a result of COVID forced the regular convention to be cancelled in 2020 and again in 2021.

So what do you do when it rains lemons? You make lemonade. In light of the unfortunate cancellations, the club made a massive step forward into the 21st century by deciding that they would hold their October 2020 convention virtually using Zoom. Not only did they decide to hold all the lectures and other events online, but they also extended an invitation for playing card collectors around the world to participate, including non-members. It was a brave step, but a bold and successful one, which history will undoubtedly look upon kindly in years to come.

But first, let's share some background about the 52 Plus Joker playing card club. It was formed in 1985, and was originally geared towards the needs of American collectors specializing in antique playing cards. But over time the scope of the club widened to include all kinds of playing cards, and also to encompass collectors world-wide. Today it is the largest playing card club in the world, and represents a vibrant and active community of keen playing card enthusiasts.

The club facilitates collecting and trading, and advances the cause of playing cards generally by means of regular newsletters and magazines like Card Culture and Clear the Decks, organizing auctions, and issuing awards. Under the strong leadership of playing card expert Lee Asher, who has been the Club President since 2016, 52 Plus Joker is easily the premier playing card collecting club, and most of the recognized figures in the playing card community are members.

But the single biggest event in the calendar for 52 Plus Joker is easily their annual convention, which is typically held every October. This represents an opportunity for collectors to come together; buy and trade; meet collectors, designers and manufacturers; chat about playing cards; and perhaps most importantly, have the opportunity to listen to speeches from experts in the field. Sadly, the 2020 convention planned for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, wasn't possible, due to t

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

[Removed]

You take away their little brooms

It was about a weak back.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

There hasn't been a post all year!