"In the bloodiest of times and darkest of hour, brother slew brother. Herod of the Old Smoke killed his battle brother Sam Broken by Guilt. Not out of hate or revenge for the pain and abuse during their Saga in the Suds. It was a mercy to a man so driven by good intentions he tried to carry the weight of their Creator's sin. So with a Spike of Smoke so quick it appeared he felled his friend and brought him peace as no one else could." -Forgotten Seer of Taco's Refuge Hesstalian Colony, as recorded by u/Tacolord007 Hesstlan Historian of the Tide of Ages
"Little more can be said of the Madness of Sam-UL the Screaming Lord of Heaven. Great tomes telling of his descent and defeat. The libraries have been filled."
"No, I wish to hear tales of Herod the Man." - Scholar u/MilesKalashnikov, in his introduction chapter of "From Ones and Zeroes He Became Flesh: A Tome of Musing", Tukna'rn Press
"And the Mortal Son of the Mad Matriarch has finally set asides the fears of childhood and done what must be done. No longer a puppet but a truly real boy, the final meeting of Pinocchio and Howdy Doody is a sad ordeal indeed. May he be embraced in the Digital Father's love as Herod has accepted his mother's will, may Screaming Sam-UL Master of the Pubvian Lazarus know rest." - Prayer in the days following the War For Heaven
Herod stared down at Sam-UL, watching as one by one the telltales on the back of the therapy frame's neck went yellow, amber, red. He lifted his right arm, opened his hand, and the blade dropped back into his sleeve, locking into the spring loaded sheathe.
It took effort to roll Sam-UL over onto his back. Effort to cross his hands over his chest. Herod closed Sam-UL's eyes and touched his forehead briefly, closing his own eyes and muttering a quick prayer.
Herod had to admit he'd never been a religious being, viewing the worship of the Digital Omnimessiah to be desperation of humanity pushed to the brink by the Terran/Mantid War.
Now he knew better.
"And Lo, did your Sisyphean task end, my friend," Herod said softly.
He moved over to the chair and sat back down, digging in the other waist pocket of his denim jacket and pulling out another can.
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Despite the many dramatizations, special meals and figurine tie-ins, the Hamburglar Heresy was simply not a big deal at the time. It did not directly lead to the establishment of the Liminal Transitioners, The Syndicate of the Five, the Crimson Bird, Sanic or quite a few more that could be named. These were in fact long established forces in The Hamburger Kingdom’s political scene centuries prior to the Heresy. It is really only notable for all the luminaries involved, as most picked a side in what was at the time a nearly inconsequential matter. If not for the 1st Clown Prince’s famous burger hall speech, it may not have even been remembered at all." - Professor /u/Cyberskull, Introduction to the late Pre-Diaspora Terran Wars, Antares University, 86th Century PG.
"Earth. What a shithole." - The Detainee, The War on Electronic Heaven, Idris Klakikak, Treana'ad author
The siren and spinning red lights cut out and the low pitch whine slowly oscillated down into below hearing range. The door to the mat-trans opened smoothly, steam billowing out, and Vuxten stayed kneeling down behind the armored console.
The huge Hesstlan woman stepped out, the brush blade in one hand, the heavy standard Terran Army magac pistol in the other. Her mask was dinged and scratched, the eyes black with a faint hint of red in the depth, and her body was covered in heavy work coveralls cinched at the waist by an equipment laden belt.
"Pete went with Menhit," the bunny-girl said, her heavy work boots clomping as she moved across the room to where Trucker had just set down a can of Liquid Hate Peppermint & Cranberry. She sheathed the brush blade and holstered the pistol, the motions smooth with long practice.
Vuxten attatched the subgun to his waist and stood up.
"You'll be sorry," the can squeaked as the bunny girl twisted the top off. She pushed up the mask, revealing a scarred face with patchy fur, took a drink, and pulled the mask back down before putting the top back on.
"Everything still going good?" Vuxten asked.
Peel looked up from the hologram she was examining. "Yes."
Trucker had his eyes closed, elbows on the workstation desk, all four LED's on his datalink bright red.
... keep reading on reddit ➡There are lots of things about being old that are absolute garbage. Every day, a new part of me seems to hurt and I have one speed: slow.
But there is also a sense of liberation. I finally feel free to tell the truth.
After so many years of being tormented by lies, I can’t begin to tell you how good this feels.
The first lie – the one that began it all – came in a small, windowless room in an anonymous looking office block.
I was fresh out of film school. I was ambitious, bursting with ideas. I was ready for success.
I was also thousands of dollars in debt.
I needed a job – and when I saw an advert for a filmmaker role my depressing visions of stacking shelves or serving burgers and fries faded away.
It was described as working with a new company based in a city near my home, the starting salary was sweet, more than enough for me to begin digging myself out of my financial hole, and candidates had to have experience working on documentaries.
As I sat in that small room, I thought of the film scripts I had written, of the dramatic short I had directed. Of the way my imagination had always been praised by my tutors.
I was all about the fictional.
The door opened and two men walked in. They both wore beige suits and neither had a necktie. I could not decide if I was overdressed or underdressed in my denim shirt and skinny black tie.
They thanked me for coming today, and Beige suit #1 began the interview by asking:
“How would you sum up your filmmaking?”
“I am all about the documentary,” I replied.
He smiled.
I was acing this.
Beige suit # 2 then asked, “Can you describe your most recent filmmaking project to us?”
I thought back to my short: ‘Girl meets boy. Boy meets alien. Love is strange’.
Then I answered: “I recorded the life of a young man over the course of twenty-four hours. I wanted to show the truths that society forces men to mask. Their insecurity, their pain, their weakness,”
I was pretty pleased with that off the cuff fiction. I gave myself nine out of ten.
It looked like both Beige suits were impressed.
Beige suit # 1 asking, “How long was the finished film?”
Beige suit # 2 following straight after with, “Is there anything you did not include, any truths that were too raw?”
Thinking on all ten of my toes at once I went right back to them with:
“Ninety minutes,” and “No.”
Their faces fell as one. Two mouths drooped, two heads leant forwards and both made notes.
Damn, I thought, what had I said wrong? Ninety minutes was lo
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.
The doctor says it terminal.
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
Lyrium is where the broken goes.
It was a tiny sign, still, the neon-pink, glowing letters burned my tired eyes. In my mind I went over who could've nailed it there, right in the centre of my dorm's door. There was confusion, then a muted fear, like a hand tightening around my heart. They had never gone this far before. Sure, sometimes they'd come up to my door late at night, intoxicated, roaring like a troop of buffoons, but my room itself was a sanctuary. It could be locked, and if they broke in, I could get the dorm supervisor involved. Not like he would do much, though. If there was one thing I had learned from getting placed in the same dorm as half the local fraternity, it was that hatred had a thousand faces. Mainly, that of a red-cheeked frat boy, who hadn't been restrained a day in his life and saw an easy target in the mousy, gullible kid from the middle of nowhere. If you think bullies cease to be in high school, you couldn't be more wrong. The system just grows to conceal them better. Because hatred also looks like the guidance counsellor with a rainbow lanyard who tells you that getting called a disgusting queer is a ‘private issue', and it looks like the sociology-majoring girls with split-dyes and pronoun pins who ‘know those guys and they're not like that'. Slowly but inevitably, my big escape to the city had turned into a battle to stay afloat.
I sighed, taking notice of the rattling of glasses and burly voices that cut right through the paper-thin walls. They were in the kitchen, so sign or not, it was time to lock myself in. What did it mean, anyways? It was too cryptic to be intimidating, and I'd never heard of a thing named Lyrium before. I turned the key, but my breath stocked when the door creaked open. Where once had been my room, there was a now a narrow staircase, black steps leading down into blacker nothingness. I blinked, took off my glasses and gave them a rub, leaned back to check the room number, did a double take, and it was still there, ominous yet strangely alluring. Maybe it was the many, tiring hours I'd loitered at the library, or the pressing noise from the kitchen, or the frustration of just wanting to drop down on my bed, but I found myself putting a foot forward. Where else would I be safe?
Lyrium is where the broken go, I repeated to myself while trudging downstairs, too beaten down to be frenzied, already resigning myself to the bizarre reality. Apparently, the broken included me. At the bottom of the st
... keep reading on reddit ➡
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.
Gender is fluid.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
But let me give it a shot.
It really does, I swear!
He’s the new temp.
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Amy
Put it on my bill
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Calcium, nickel, neon
Mentos
(I will see myself out)
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
And now I’m cannelloni
