Because it's the most punderful time of the year!
Link to calendar for those who want it: https://pdfhost.io/v/TQuSCzy.W_AdventCalendar2020pdf.pdf
Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?
Because they are rain-deer.
Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?
He had low elf esteem.
Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?
They always drop their needles.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?
Frostbite
What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?
It's Christmas Eve!
Cousin: I really want a dog this year.
Wife: What kind do you want?
Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle.
My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around.
Everyone else : 🙄
Q: Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? A: He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
Q: What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take? A: Coffin medicine.
Q: What animals need oiling? A: Mice, because they squeak.
Q: How does Jack Frost get to work? A: By icicles.
Q: What do hedgehogs have for lunch? A: Prickled onions.
Q: What lies in a pram and wobbles? A: A jelly-baby.
When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.
My sister is called Eve, so every Christmas eve he yells with this shit eating grin, right in her face "IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE!"
We were preparing steaks to grill with her family for dinner. As we are tenderizing the meat, she asks me to grab the spices. As I open the cabinet, I grab the spices and exclaim "Ah, tis' the seasoning!"
She did not find it as amusing as I did.
My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner...
During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, "Looks like it is snowing outside." The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, "No, it's definitely raining." The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
My dad used this one yesterday.
Dad: Today is my favorite holiday.
Me: Today isn't a holiday, that's tomorrow.
Dad: today is Christmas Adam! Adam came before Eve, right??
My brother's name is Micah. He is 13 years younger than me, so I am kinda a dad figure for him. Every year I find a new person to tell this one:
Me: "All my brother gets for Christmas is surfacing" Unsuspecting newbie: "Huh" Me: This present is for Micah. That present is for Micah...
We just finished setting up the tree; we were all looking at the angel on the top, and I noticed she looked a little irritated. So I voiced it. "She looks like she's pissed at one of us." I said. Dad looks up, squints his eyes, and says... "She looks like she has a stick up her ass."
So last Christmas my dad got a set of fancy vinaigrettes, and my military engineer of a grandfather said "what's wrong with some basic acids?" To which my dad quickly responded:
"Well, then they'd just be water."
Looking for some holiday spirit
Long story short, my dad bought a used truck and worked over every crevice to make sure he wasn't getting a lemon. Well he checked everywhere except the emergency car jack holder: the jack was gone.
So he asks for a jack for Christmas. Being a perfect son, I blew him off and promptly forgot about the whole deal until today, Christmas Day. I apologized and told him, "hey dad, don't worry, I'll get you a car jack later". He looked me dead in the eye and said, "John, why the hell would I want my car jacked?"
As the family was gathered around the table for Christmas dinner, I asked my dad to make a toast. His response was: "there isn't any bread".
I didn't feel like wrapping my friend's present, but she said I had to at least put a bow on it. http://i.imgur.com/fX89DHG.jpg
My dad loves trivia and brain teasers. He asks me "How many d's in Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer."
I figure people don't count the d at the end of red-nosed. So I say "4" with confidence....
He says, "nope....237." I looked at him, everyone in this sub-reddit know the look.
Then he starts singing " dee dee dee dee dee ..." to the tune of Rudolph.
I laughed and added it to my repertoire.
Friend: "Yeah, my son cried at the mall. He's afraid of Santa Claus".
Me: "So he's Claustraphobic?"
My little cousin was playing piano, and after he was done my grandfather said, "that was great. I remember I used to play piano; I could play by ear... But then my ear got tired"
> Here is the list of who buys for whom in the gift exchange. > > The rules are: Spend $50, no gift cards. (If you think $50 is too much then make it two $25 gifts.) > > PS: If you want to spend more on me I would understand.
My brother was talking about his new torque wrench, and my dad says "You should be careful with that", and, as we all glare at him, waiting for the punchline, he says, "Didn't Miley Cyrus get in trouble for torque-ing?"
Mom watering the tree: This tree is really drinking a lot!
Dad reading the newspaper: Really? It should try AA.
He would not stop laughing. For a full minute, at least.
sigh
Me: Why do people send out Christmas cards?
Dad: Because it'd be awkward if they sent out Valentine's day cards
Me: ...God dammit...
One of my relatives exited the restroom at our house. She called out, "The bathroom's free now!" Without missing a beat, my dad replied, "Did we used to charge?"
My sister had a good one today at dinner.
We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".
"Is that a reindeer?" "No, it's quite dry outside"
My family needed to rearrange the furniture to make room for our Christmas tree.
Dad: "It's Christmas it will only be for a few weeks. then the furniture will go back"
Mom: "But what if we like it this way then we can keep it like this all year"
Dad: "Really? a Christmas tree all year?"
My dad and I almost cry laughing and my mom just sulks there angry.
I'm a pianist in a jazz band. Today, our drummer was running late. A bit into the rehearsal, he runs in and the band stops playing.
Drummer: sorry I'm late... what are we playing? Leader: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Drummer: well, that's an awfully nice thing for you to say to someone who just showed up late to your rehearsal, thanks!
How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
I asked my Son "What day is it tomorrow?"
He replied "It's Christmas Eve"
I said "No it's not, and don't call me Eve"
Got an awesome cup from my SO for Christmas. Has tons of equations on it. Dad sees a Maxwell equation (V•D)=P and says if you get VD it hurts to pee!
There once was a Great Czar in Russia called Rudolph the Red. One day, while looking out the window, he turned to his wife and said,
"Look, my dear, it has begun to rain!
His wife quickly replied, "It's much too cold for rain, it must be snow!"
He shook his head and said, "My dear, I'm the great Czar Rudolph the Red, and Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"
First of all, ChristmasCatsTV is a thing.
Secondly: "How do cats keep order?" "They have claw enforcement!"
