My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband β€œI’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says β€œChange the battery in your hearing aid.”

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstroCatonaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends on what you want it to change into.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nixus42
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife became a Vegan recently

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amersyam
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Her : I am leaving , I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
How many Freudian Slips does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the bulb, and one to hold me, mother hold the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I threw my blind wife with a surprise birthday party

She never saw it coming!

Edit: I changed the title and still has a typo -.-`

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elChardo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The village under the sea

Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying β€œWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.

One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says β€œNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.

After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. β€œNo,” Ted said again β€œthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.

Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. β€œAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said β€œDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilopsaros
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I swallowed a coin by accident

No change is expected

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpiesaus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I choked on a quarter last night

And now I fear change

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard the 99p store recently turned into poundland

No change there

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys, to be frank

I’d have to change my name...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/macuser06
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A brand new type of tea!

There's a new type of tea that changes colour, plays 8-bit tunes and even makes the whole room you're in fill the air with its contents.

It's called hue-midi-tea.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshifi3d
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I just won huge in the lottery....

It's wife changing.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
After a regrettable brain transplant, he turned around to his wife and said:

I’ve changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageRags
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress

As long as it doesn't involve change

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Brain transplants will never work

You can’t change my mind

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AudenWolfe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Italian homeless man?

Giovanni SpareChange?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanMannix
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A man in my gym just proposed and she said no.

They didn’t workout.

Edited: It changed to they.

Thanks lornstar7

πŸ‘︎ 275
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't like my job, so I resigned.

But then I changed my mind, so I re-signed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxiomClient
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Breaking news!

An industrial accident has happened at the name changing offices. police reports say twelve injured, two deb.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
First time I bought a universal remote....

....I said to myself, "This changes everything."

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the green light say to the red light?

Don't look I'm changing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people don't believe in evolution.

They're primate change deniers.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boredboi69WR
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Thousands of people are waiting outside of Nadame Tussauds in London

They are waiting to get waxinated...

Edit: misspelled Madame, but can't change the title

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viktooos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
THIS JUST IN: A man is still in critical condition after swallowing $100,000 in large bills.

No change is expected

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/junerlegion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
An hysterical woman went to see her doctor because she was peeing coins.

She explained that it started out as pennies, then nickels and now dimes! Her Dr. said it was nothing to worry about, she was just going through the change.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
How many ninjas does it take to change a lightbulb

Woah, it's already been changed

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: β€œHow is the boy who swallowed the quarter?”

Nurse: β€œNo change yet”

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...

He needs a change of peso.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the dime run for President?

Because he kept hearing that people wanted to vote for change.

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I just learned today

That my local prosthetics shop is changing hands.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyColdAirBalloon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
You otter hear this

A stoat and a weasel meet in a bar in the late fall and have a few drinks. One thing leads to another, and they decide to leave and spend the night together.

As they leave the weasel leans over and whispers, "i see you've changed into your winter coat. So, your place, ermine?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damarius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"

I said "no wait, I can change."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Old newspapers are printed on broadsheet, new ones are compact

Oh how the Times have changed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterburk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandson was taken to the hospital because he swallowed a $5 bill

So far no change

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Husband: Excuse me, I have to call my client quickly

My response: why did he change his name to quickly?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amylouise0185
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

πŸ‘︎ 206
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angelsgirl2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How many Mafiosos does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to shoot the witnesses.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
To be Frank

I’d have to change my name

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't originally going to have a brain transplant....

.....but then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report

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