Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated

It can get re-heated the next day as well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Today I found out that roofing in the summer heat can be really dangerous.

WARNING: HOT SHINGLES ARE IN YOUR AREA.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..

..My door is always open.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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What happened to the guy that lit a fire in his canoe?

He learned that you can't have your kayak and heat it too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GarageAromatic
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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A pirate walk into a bar

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brony_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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LPT: If you can't afford to heat your bedroom there are some places in the room that are warmer then others.

The corners for example are always 90 degrees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diviner_of_data
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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I found this small stick with one end coated with a material that can be ignited by frictional heat. It made me feel loved, wholesome and beautiful.

Like a match made in heaven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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What did one potato say to the other in the oven?

I know it’s getting heated but we can hash it out.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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With this recent heat wave, I can't help but feel bad for the pigs.

They've got to be bacon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluesox4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who lit a fire in his canoe and caused it to sink?

It just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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What do you call something you sit on that can heat you up or cool you down?

Seating and chair conditioning!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/domsquad
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
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Can you turn the heat up, Dad?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Distorted_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.

He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.

The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.

He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Islander399
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I was cold while in my kayak so I lit a fire and it sunk

Shows you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpingRedFox
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What's faster, heat or cold?

Heat. Because you can catch a cold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I walk a lot and I've developed plantar fasciitis in my right heel

This condition is caused by inflammation of the plantar fascia along the bottom of your foot, and it can cause pretty intense heel pain.

After I got home from work last night I tried to soak my foot in some hot water. My wife saw me and said, "That isn't going to work..."

I said, "Hey! I am allowed to have my ache and heat it, too!"

She just stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and walked out of the room...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurkMcGill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Two twins have a race in the morning

One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you'

So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time.

Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right - a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time.

The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing!

It was a tie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mister_pleco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My Jewish friend got his son the best 13th birthday gift.

So his son plays baseball and his mitt was in rough condition. They make these little boxes for baseball mitts that put out heat, humidity, and massage the mitt slightly to keep it in good condition. They're pretty small and can fit on a kitchen counter top. It's best to keep them near the sink to refill the water reservoir when it gets low. It's helpful if it's like right above the sink. My friend had put his on the bar behind the sink.

It was seriously the nicest bar mitt spa I had ever seen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJordanCarroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A man, adrift at sea in his kayak, was running low on supplies

As the sky darkened, he started to get worried about the cold. Rummaging through his supplies, he realized he had just enough to build a small fire. The man did accomplish his goal, but just as the fire started to grow, it sank his vessel, and the man drowned.

I guess the old saying holds true; you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad's version of the local news

Dad: So I heard that two guys drowned in [random town] this morning...

Me: That's horrible! What happened?

Dad: Apparently, they were in a kayak and they lit a fire which caused it to sink.

Me: ...that doesn't sound like a good idea...

Dad: Yea well, it just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too....

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samanna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Two Inuits in a kayak.

Younger one says, β€œI t’s getting cold, can we light a fire?” The older one saysβ€œno” The evening approaches and the young one again asks, β€œcan we light a fire?” But the older one declines. They stop for the night and the young Inuit asks if they can light a fire, because is getting very cold. But the older one says β€œno” again and goes to sleep. The young one sneakily lights a fire and the kayak burns down.

Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigatavr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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Go stand in the corner.

Me: Dad it's freezing in here, can we just turn up the heat! Dad: Why do that when you can just stand in the corner? Me: How does that help me at all? Dad: Because corners are always 90 degrees :D! Brother (in the kitchen): UGHHHHHH

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ltj10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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My dad making fun of me for the time I broke rice

When you cook rice at too high a heat, it "breaks." This has followed me [female, btw] all my life as proof of my lack of cooking skills. One day, he was bringing this up, and the weekend before, I had made perfect scrambled eggs. So I retorted, "I can make eggs." To which he replied. "Yeah? But why are we talking about your reproductive system?"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak.

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They've been out all day, and the sun's setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks. This just goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZWQncyBkaWNr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2014
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My dad pulled this one when he was a kid

My dad and his friend were at my dad's house once. My dad pulled some hot dogs out of the fridge and started heating them up. After a few minutes, he realizes something and said "Dude, we can't have these. They aren't ours." His friend replied, "Well, who's are they?"

"They're Frank's."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoobygotabooty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Dad joked at work today.

At work we we have a large fireplace we use to heat the shop in the winter. Occasionally a sign shop down the street gives us some long cardboard tubes (think toilet paper but longer and thicker) that we can burn. It's a win-win situation that gets rid of their garbage and provides us heat for the winter.

Anyways I pick up the tubes and come pulling in the shop with a truck bed full. I start unloading when my boss comes up to help out. Upon seeing the tubes he makes the shaka sign (surfer hand symbol with thumb and pinky out) and says "Tubular".

I physically groaned at this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitKatMasterRace
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Drummer In The Band Had A Clever Joke

The band I'm in was setting up for an outdoor gig in the heat of the late summer afternoon. The drummer (an old guy) said, "Time to pick up my biggest fan!" He strolled over to his car and grabbed a box fan and set it up near his drum set.

I can't believe I took him seriously for a minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2015
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Not even hot weather can stop a dad joke.

Okay so where I stay it is unbelievably hot at the moment. We're already on the third heatwave of this summer so far. I came home one afternoon from work to find my roommate sitting at the island counter of the kitchen working on his laptop. He had all the windows and doors wide open and said it was way too hot to work in his room. So later, while I was visiting my parents for dinner, the discussion of the weather came up and I recounted the story with my roomate. My dad got that twinkle in his eyes and said: β€œWell, I guess if you can’t stand the heat, get into the kitchen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkwr4ith
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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Got my dad before dinner

He lets me know that tonight will be chili (leftovers), and that we can heat it up whenever we want. I tell him he could just wear a sweater because it's probably easier and cheaper. Got a groan in response.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordridan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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Two eskimos are in a kayak...

My uncle told us this one today...

Two eskimos are in a kayak, paddling along a river. Freezing cold, one eskimo says to the other, "hey, why don't we start a fire here in the middle of the kayak?" so they manage to get a small fire going and start to finally warm up, when the fire creates a hole in the middle of the kayak. The kayak fills with water and they sink to the bottom of the river. Moral of the story? You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

My dad had a hearty laugh at this one.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skwedgie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Not in the typical dad joke style, but here's my dad's sense of humor.

We both work at a university caught in the midst of this cold front. I'm in admissions and he's the supervisor in the on campus power/heat plant.

"Dad, can you turn up the heat a little bit? The rest of campus is freezing."

"The dilithium crytals are overheating. She can't take anymore, captain."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAlwaysGifs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Dad-joked my sister and her boyfriend

So I was heating up a meat pie in the microwave. My sister and her boyfriend were on the couch. She asked what I was cooking. so i told her.

Then she asked "Can you cook us two?"

I replied "I dunno.... I think you guys are a bit big!"

They stared at me blankly and I chuckled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekinkyson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft...

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank

Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiShoSha
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report

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