Candie Payne Puns

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Grace Bones is sipping tea with who else, but Grace Jones.

“DARLING.” Grace Jones smirks.

Yes?

“It’s been a few months… Where are the racers?” Grace raises an eyebrow. “I was expecting them to arrive…”

Oh, they’re coming… I’ve been doing some work.

The screen cuts to Grace Bones remodelling the werkroom, painting the walls, chainsawing tables, and putting together mannequins.

“My Question is..” Grace looks at Grace Bones. “Will they slay?”

Sister, you know… just like we do, they shall.

Grace Jones grins.

But, this is a new era. More than ever before, I want these racers to GROW. You don’t start a superstar. You become it.

“So, the first Drag Superstar of this era…”

Will fight their way to this journey. Will learn, will battle, and will give THEIR ALL!

“So it’ll be a battle.” Grace Jones grins.

Oh, it’ll be a race.

Grace winks.

~

Grace’s Drag Race

Start your ENGINES!

Grace Bones rides through a racing set, ZOOMING past a crowd.

Grace’s Drag Race

May the best Artist WIN!

Dandi Lionne throws her hat at Grace’s car, in furious shock as she speeds past.

Grace’s Drag Race

STAAAART YOUR ENGINES!

Atlantis, B.A.B.E, Billie J. Bob, Christmas Yves and Corsica Traggio cackle in sexy racer couture, waving over the cars.

Grace’s Drag Race

MAY THE BEST ARTIST

Emilia Goldd, Iona Frenzy, Jean Harlot, Kandy Krush and Kendoll Kourdiel jump into different race cars, dressed as professional drivers.

BEST ARTIST

Libra Van Lier, Lisa Liquor, Sakura 4.0, Sharr Payne and The Fajira cheer from the crowd, watching as racers.

WIN!

Grace winks into the camera.

https://preview.redd.it/n0ugf11rx2781.png?width=900&format=png&auto=webp&s=ca5c70b5ca5f0079188a0e00c38c3e08cf07cbe6

~

In a flash, a smoke bomb covers the werkroom. Out rocks Billie J. Bob, dressed head to toe in a sleek spy suit. He looks suave, sophisticated- and then, he starjumps and the suave suit becomes a fringe fashion statement. “Daddy’s Home!” Billie yells.

Billie J. Bob: “I’m Billie J. Bob, and Baby King I am no more! It’s been a few years, but I am back, baby!”

“Oh my, this werkroom...” Billie gasps as he looks at the new painted black and white sleek werkroom.

*Billie J. Bob: “I was your first out of Season 18, when I had just started drag. My family didn’t even know yet! I was just a little streaming King, and since my season… the world has opened up. I’ve toured, I’ve shown my drag, I’ve gotten divorced, I’

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

And now I’m cannelloni

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

Upon popular request, after tweaking the AssistScraper list by /u/karabou_1

Here's a list of players that Embiid has blocked, any surprises in here?

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I won't be doing that today!

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

[Removed]

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

There hasn't been a post all year!

And then shook his arm really fast.

(True story, please groan with me.)

Or would that be too forward thinking?

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.